Don't really know where to start with my story. H asked for divorce around new year's. I've been doing all the wrong things for 6 months, and our therapist has aided me sometimes in doing the wrong things (they were at her suggestion). H was having a possible PA, definite EA with old high school crush for at least 6 months prior, as well as taking S4 to her home.
Separated 5 months, seeing therapist to learn to co-parent. Just started seriously DBing a week ago, when I threw out all of the therapists suggestions that were anti DB.
I am so lost.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
Buckle in Cautious....it will be a long ride. You are in good company. Post more of your situation, please: how long you were married, how long you courted before getting married, how did he end up talking to the HS girlfriend again, how many kids, were either of you previously married, what problems were there in the marriage before he left....
The more details, the better it helps us help you.
And hang in there, and read lots and lots of other people's posts. There are other gems of information in them.
I'm terrified of posting too much of my story. One because I'm a lot younger than most of the other posters here (25), and two, because I know I screwed up royally in our marriage. Maybe I'd have left me too.
I'll try starting with just answering questions. We have been married for 3.5 years. We have been friends for about 13 years, dated a little here and there, but got serious 3 years before we were married. The HS girlfriend contacted him in June of last year and he hid the fact that he was speaking with her/going to her house up until I discovered it in December. (Currently, I believe, he is not speaking to her) We only have one son (4).
We had several problems in our marriage... we had huge financial issues (bills did not get paid in favor of his instant gratification - resulting in the loss of one car and one house), there were anger issues - mostly on my part and sometimes on his part, we had quite a few problems communicating... still do.
I've been working in IC on my anger issues. We are seeing a family counselor to learn to co-parent, though H has expressed he would like to stop seeing her. H believes it is marriage counseling, due to some of the therapists' tactics. I asked if he would like to start seeing another therapist and he refuses.
I'm extremely discouraged, as I know I've done a lot of wrong in our marriage - nagging/controling, anger, etc. But I thought things were starting to really go well towards the end. Maybe because he had somewhere to escape from me to.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
Are you getting any growth out of IC with the anger issues? Do you know what they stem from? Are they issues you feel you can conquer, whether he comes home or not?
Have you read the DB book yet or are you just reading the posts?
Keep reading all you can about affairs, too to arm yourself with knowledge.
You probably don't know my situation, but I'm divorced after a 17 year marriage and I had cheated during the marriage, so I am just here trying to help people avoid mistakes I have made. I can maybe help you understand the mindset that happens with affairs, but the more general reading you do will help, too...as there is surprisingly very similar things about nearly all affairs...
I'm terrified of posting too much of my story. One because I'm a lot younger than most of the other posters here (25), and two, because I know I screwed up royally in our marriage. Maybe I'd have left me too.
With all due respect....nonsense.
Age? Irrelevant -- hurt is hurt, love is love, marriage is marriage, divorce is divorce. I know a man who got divorced at 70, after 50 years of marriage. Didn't hurt him a bit less for age and wisdom than it did my Best Bud who was divorced at 25.
Royal screwing up? Are you kidding? Friend, this is the Round Table of royal screw-ups! This is the Congress of Berlin of royal screw-ups. We are the Crowned Heads of royal screw-up-itude. You're one of us. And HE royally screwed up, too. Because as DQ so often points out, it takes two. Need proof? You gave it yourself:
Quote:
we had huge financial issues (bills did not get paid in favor of his instant gratification - resulting in the loss of one car and one house)
Thank you for your support SmileysPerson. I feel a lot more welcome than I thought I would be.
The state of things, as far as he has told me thus far is that if we made it to a stage where we were friends, he would consider getting back together, but he doesn't see that happening at the moment.
We've been getting along fairly well lately, but I have no idea what is going on in his life, nor does he know what's going on in mine unless it affects our son.
Even when it comes to S4, he doesn't tell me a whole lot about what's going on when S4 is visiting. Let me back up a bit... my son is starting to act out - crying, hitting, temper tantrums, deep sadness, etc. and when I tried to discuss this behavior change with H, he mentioned that the same is happening at his house. While we were discussing it, however, it seems that it's more of a H said no, so S is crying over not getting his way. Over here, however, it's definitely not just an issue of I said no to something. He will have a tantrum or crying spell out of the blue. But not knowing that there were tantrum problems going on over at H's house, I felt like I couldn't make a fair assessment to S's therapist (had to hire one because of the radical behavior changes).
Additionally, when I tried to speak to H last weekend about the changes (dramatic change started Friday night), the phone call went from uninterested to angry on H's end. H was at a party/gathering of some sort, so I assumed that he was paying more attention to those there than the phone call.
I can't just not talk to him about issues with S, but I feel it's unfair for him to want to take S every other weekend and a couple days a week when he's uninterested in what S is doing when H isn't around... How will he properly care for him if he's uninformed?
I really can't figure him out. He wants to have S, but refuses to talk to me about S.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
Could use some help with validating. Could you all give me some examples of how you use validation with your spouses? Maybe then I could formulate how to put that into action.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
What a great question. Validating is crucial in a R.
Validating doesn't mean you agree but you are having compassion for their POV. You are not formulating a response to dispute or discount their feelings (yes, men have feelings.) No "Yes, but...." or "You are just saying that because..... don't use phrases like: You ___ always, never, all the time, constantly, etc.
Ex - "I can understand why you want to be friends first. What would that mean to you?"
"I can see why that would matter to you."
"I get why you feel that way."
Does that help?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
