We just past the 4 week "anniversay" of where she moved out and 4.5 months since she filed for divorce.
She has been calling/text/emailing almost everyday - mostly tactical stuff and after I say goodnite to the boys when they are with her, she chat's about her day. I usually try to end the call pretty quickly.
Last Fri, she called to say goodnite to the boys (first time since she moved out). After she was done, she called me back about an hour later. She said that it was first time since she moved out where she actually had some time to sit down and think. She said she almost called me and the boys as she was torn between being with us tonite vs alone (I think it was her way of saying she missed us, or at least the boys). I told her that she could have if she wanted to (probably should have left her wondering).
She then said something about just wanting to be able to move on. I asked her what she meant by that. She said that she was still trying to find time to go to a therapist to work through her own issues (she said that she can't get past the hurt that she still feels when she sees me) so that we can go to counseling again. So I figured what she meant was about moving on past the hurt.
She also brought up how she was hurt that I had neglected her. She didn't come out and say it out right, but it came up about how my 7 year old mentioned one of his friends had a girlfriend and they kissed. I said I had a girlfriend in 1st grade, which is the first time I kissed a girl as well. I told her it lasted about a week. She joked, did I neglect her as well. I told her no, we just got bored as in 1st grade, we didn't "know" what to do beyond kissing.
Anyway, she was crying at that point. She said that she still hasn't changed her mind as right now she trust me with the boys and everything like that, but can't get past the hurt to trust me with her heart again. So until she can get past that, she can't see working on that type of relationship. I told her that if there was anything that I could do to help, let me know.
I told her that it will take time to rebuild trust and during that time I am going to continue to work on me as I need to for the boys as well as myself. I reminded her that I have already appologized for the things I've said/done or didn't say/do that hurt her and hope she knows that was the past. I hadn't realized what I did made her feel that way as she didn't communicate it.
So now when I'm trying to give her time/space and it confuses her (makes her think that I've changed my mind), I'm glad that she is communicating how she feels about it. As she can see, I do listen and respond. In the past she hadn't communicated clearly as she was afraid, but she should see now that communicating it clearly isn't something to be afraid of.
So, if the changes I am making winds up keeping us together as husband and wife, so be it. Either way, the changes I am making will be permanant.
I did wind up talking about how we really haven't gotten to spend much time together without being distracted by the boys. So I asked if she would like to go out to lunch together, to let me know. I told her that I could do it Tues, Weds or Thurs. She said that she would let me know.
We wound up saying goodnite at that point as we talked for almost 45 minutes.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Sat was uneventful - she had sent me a few text about tactical stuff - I didn't answer as I thought she would call me later that nite so we would talk about it then. She didn't call.
On Sunday, we went to a brunch together (late Mother's day brunch). I had the boys each pick out a flower to give her when we met up at the resturant. She seemed surprised and liked it.
The brunch went pretty well until towards the end, my youngest asked my wife why she took so much stuff from our home. ACK! My wife said that we still had way more stuff at home than what she took. I tried to explain to her that my 3 year old was looking for the wooden dump truck that he and I built and I had told him it was at mommy's place. I then asked if he could bring the firetruck back so we could build it next weekend. She said that she had bought it and wanted to build it with him. I just shrugged and said ok.
On the way out, she said that she had to stop to go to the bathroom. I just said "You do?" - her apt was only 2 minutes from the resturant. She said never mind then. I said that she should go if she had to. She said she would wait. She seemed upset.
That was pretty much at the very end of brunch. Not the way I wanted to end it.
I was a little sad saying goodbye to the boys. They were both extremely huggy and clingy as I put them in her SUV. My wife didn't say much, just waved goodbye as she drove off.
I almost called a few times to ask if she was OK, but figured that was not the right thing to do. I went to church after brunch and did the yard work and cleaned the house some.
I called my buddy to get some beer and wings to knock myself out of the funk on Sunday nite......
This really sucks!
I allowed myself to get a glimmer of hope from last Friday's conversation where it sounded like she wanted to find a therapist so she could work through her issues so we can work on us. I need to remind myself that the brutal facts right now is that she has filed for divorce, moved out and still has not changed her mind. This is the reality.
I sent my lawyer an email to find out what I can do about the child support hearing. I'm hopeful that we can get what my wife and I agreed to as the support - otherwise the number could easily double to almost $2500/month! Hopefully I'll get some good news from my lawyer. I did tell my wife that I was going to talk to a lawyer about this. Maybe that's why she was acting a little off this morning. Who knows, I'm not going to waste any more time trying to read her mind.
I know I need to work on me and get a life so that either way this goes, I will be ok as I will continue to be the best CIPA I can be.
I wish I was actually as confident/strong as this post is starting to sound, but it is helping me get focused on what I have to do....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
While I was out on Sunday nite, she called for me to say goodnite to the boys. She commented it was loud. I said I went out to grab dinner and didn't give any details beyond that.
I found a quiet spot and talked to my boys and said goodnite. My wife got back on the phone and chatted for a bit. She said that she may way work on her Ipod again and may need to call me later. I said she could. I reminded her that I was going to call my lawyer to see if we can enter a support agreement without going to court if she was ok with that. She said she was but wanted to know what the formula would give her from support (oh oh, that could be trouble for me as it doubles what we agreed to - to almost 2500)
I just said goodnite and grabbed another drink. I got home pretty late. She didn't call back that nite. The last couple of times I went out, it bugged her, so I'm sure she's urked by it as well. I actually missed work on Monday as when I woke up, I was in no shape to go to work.
I got an email from her in the early afternoon. Just stuff related to the B'day party this Sat. It's not something I need to answer so I didn't to reply to it
She did call to follow up on the email she sent me. (Un?)Fortunately I left my phone at home when I ran out so I missed her call. She left a voice message that said she would talk with me tonite
She called for me to say goodnite to the boys. After I talked with them she got on the phone. We chatted for a few minutes (tactical type stuff) and then I said goodnite.
She sent me an email about an hour later with pictures of the boys from the baseball game we went to the Friday before Mother's day. In her email, she asked me to let her know I got them. I sent her a text to thank her for the pictures.
I'm curious if she will actually call for lunch this week
I'm not going to get my hopes up but I do want her to
I know it may not make sense to go out to lunch with her to spend some one on one time. I'm not sure why she would want to if she hasn't changed her mind about keeping the divorce train moving
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
She is finally starting to THINK about things w/o all the pressure of a Marriage.
Keep on doing what you're doing.
Does it matter how long it takes if your seeing POSITIVE signs.
Make a list of all the positives NOT the negatives.
PMA
PMA_Baby!
Thanks for checking in on my thread again.
Problem is I don't know what I'm doing right now. It just doesn't feel like I'm doing anything other than just moving on with my life and adjusting to the new routine. I guess maybe that's the big thing that I need to do. Adjust to the new routine and move on with with my life so I can work on me. That way I will be the best CIPA I can be. If that includes being her husband, than great, if not, I need to make sure I will still be OK.
I guess the positives right now are:
1 - She still continues to call/contact me almost everyday and we still see each other at least once/week and eat dinner together as a family. This will likely increase to at least twice a week as my 7 year old starts soccer.
2 - Last Friday's conversation, even though she said that she hadn't changed her mind, it was the first time she said anything about working on the relationship after she works through the issue of feeling hurt everytime she sees me. It almost sounded like she was taking some ownership to her problem of letting go/moving on from the hurt. Or it could have just been a down moment for her.
3 - When I suggested that we try to meet up for lunch so we can have some time for just the two of us this week, she didn't flat out say no. She said that she would see if she had time this week. I guess that could be her polite way of saying no, but I will still treat that as a positive
She did wind up calling me this morning as my 3 year old wanted to talk to me. He asked if he could come home with me on Weds after baseball. It was her Weds this week so I said that I could only if mommy was ok with it. So I asked him if he asked mommy. He said she said no. I told him then I couldn't. He broke down crying/freaking out on the phone. My oldest got on the phone to chat with me while my 3 year old was crying. I told him that I loved him and missed him.
My wife got on the phone and I asked her what that was all about with my 3 year old. She said that she didn't know. She said that my 3 year old never asked about Weds after baseball and she was ok with it since she would have extra time on Monday as it was a holiday. I said that would be great as I would definitely welcome the extra time with him.
I then told her that I would talk to her later and said goodbye.
So I guess another positive is that I will be getting an extra nite with the boys this week!
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
I sent her a text this morning as my 7 year old needed to wear a red shirt on Friday but there weren't any at home so I asked if she had any.
She called me back and we chatted for a couple of minutes when her dad called so she had to get off the phone.
She sent me an email a few minutes later and appologized for getting off so abruptly as her dad rarely calls her at work so she thought there was an emergency.
She said that I should call if I still wanted to talk.
There were a few more tactical things that I had wanted to talk about, but not sure if I should call back.
Any thoughts?
I was suppose to go out with a couple of my buddies tonite, but one of my friend's father in law just passed away, so I'm not sure if we're still going out. Not that big of a deal as I'm still struggling a little from Sunday nite.
I had missed a couple of things last week as I had the boys - Phillies game and just going out - but I rather spend the time with my boys than go out with my buddies.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
I wound up just replying to her email saying - "No problem. Hope everything's ok with your dad. Have a great day!"
I did want to call her to talk and had actually called her work phone but it went to voice mail. I thought about calling her cell phone, but figured, that was too much pursuing....
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Confused - let me suggest that in your earlier post, where you said you don't know what you're doing other than moving on and adjusting to the routine, you were mistaken. You DO know what you're doing and, from my POV, you're doing exactly what you should be doing: moving forward. As General Patton told his officers, don't pay for the same real estate twice - so forward!
Confused - let me suggest that in your earlier post, where you said you don't know what you're doing other than moving on and adjusting to the routine, you were mistaken. You DO know what you're doing and, from my POV, you're doing exactly what you should be doing: moving forward. As General Patton told his officers, don't pay for the same real estate twice - so forward!
SmileysPerson - Thanks for the encouragement. I know moving on and adjusting to the routine is what I need to do right now. It's just that I'm not sure where I'm moving forward to. I don't see what I'm doing will wind up attracting my wife back. I really wish she would actually find a therapist to talk to about moving on from the hurt. I don't want to pressure her though as that's the wrong thing to do.
She did reply to my email to talk about her dad's problem. I almost called her back, but thought I would just wait. This cat and mouse game is really getting old
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Not knowing what you're moving forward to isn't necessarily a bad thing. There's a difference between goal-directed behavior ("this year I will take up fly-fishing" or whatever) and goal-limiting behavior ("this year I will take up fly-fishing and only fly-fishing, even though I live nowhere near a trout stream").
Set goals; achieve goals; set higher goals. Let the river take you where it will. All you can control right now is how hard you paddle and when you float with the tide.
She's going to do it her way. No reason for you not to as well.
