I am left devastated because he has left

[forward]

"even though I told him what kind of a person she was"

Say as little about OW as you can.

[sunshinelewis]

I know I have been told this but why do we not need to talk about ow? I know it makes our spouses upset, because they defend them but is there any other reason.
I really do have a BAD memory, so please excuse me for asking again. I have had to think and absorb wayyyyy to much lately.

[mishka422]

Talking about ow while your WAS is deep in their A with them only serves to validate their R. Inevitably any talk about ow will be heated and become very contentious. When you become upset the WAS will not only defend the ow but will also feel like they were absolutely right about you. "She's crazy. Look at her, she's desperate, clingy and needy. ow is such a wonderful person and would never yell and become upset with me like this. My W doesn't deserve me at all." Just some of the crazy rambling of their brains. My xh actually said all of those things out loud to me while I was railing at him about ow. It serves to solidify their position regarding their A.

Also, talking about ow gives her headspace that she doesn't deserve. This sitch is not about ow, it is about your H and his choices. You have choices too.....make the best ones for yourself regardless of what your H might think of them.

[Cinderellaman]

I just want to chime in and tell you that this truly is NOT about the ow.
It took me such a long time to realize that.
Now that I am where I am, it seems so obvious....
But we all know it takes time to get there...lots and lots of time.

The sun WILL shine again one day !

[sunshinelewis]

Cinder, in my case we got along until the new gf moved in, she is also going thru a divorce. She has made several snide remarks regarding how deseprate I was and I WAS. I am not nearly as desperate now but she still makes remarks and even told me once awhile back that I could NOT talk to my xh and hung up on me, so she doesnt allow him to speak with me. So I would say Yes its not about ow but they sure can add to the mess.

[crush897]

Hi all and thanks for your support it is really appreciated. You all talk a lot of sense having been through similar situations.
Yesterday was not good my one son did not want to go with his D and of course this was my fault and "would I speak to him". I told him no he has a mind of his own and this is what he has to expect. My son said that he should not have left us and if he did not want to go with him then he wouldn't. My H was very angry with me because of this. He also seemed very much under pressure, no idea why. I took it was because of my Son but was not sure.
I know he is going away with ow next week. We had holiday booked this year but of course he wont be coming with us. The will be strange for all of us as we have always done everything as a family but I am still going with the children, why should they miss out yet again.

[fisherman]

I don't know how old your son is. Sounds like he is old enough to see for himself what is really happening. I think you did well in not letting your H place that on you. That is HIS, he owns it.

Please be careful about speaking negatively toward your H in front of him however.

[Grace_O]

The estrangement between the spouse that left and the kids just seems to add more pressure in their world. I agree no to speak badly to kids about H, but it is on him to fix his R with them. It's hard to watch.

My D's don't really talk to my H and I know it bothers him alot. Yet, when I update hm and ask for his input with regards to them he says I'm pressuring him for an answer right now and that I want him to fix it. I have just backed off and now ask if he'd like to hear what's going on.


Too bad he'll be missing out, but he's made his bed (so to speak).

[crush897]

Hi have not been on here for a while, have been having a rough time of it. My h is still with the ow and is being very cocky and sure of himself. He even took our children to play with her kids and her the other day behind my back. As you can imagine I was not happy. I know this will happen in time but he did not even give the kids a choice in the matter which I also find so selfish. They are going through enough at the moment but all he can think about is himself and his new life.
He is asking for a divorce now and he can have it, I am tired and worn out feel I have aged 10 years. I thought it would get easier but instead it is getting harder. He even took them away on holiday in May which again our kids were so hurt and jealous as our summer holiday of course he will not be coming on. They imagine him playing on the beach with her kids and they got very upset. He should be doing that with us said my eldest son. It just breaks my heart.
I had to endure seeing them together a few weeks ago with my son and they were like a pair of 16 year olds. Hugging and kissing like they couldn't get enough of each other. They are in their 40's for gods sake. Yes what you do in private is fine but in front of the son you have just walked out on and your long suffering wife well where is the respect. When I asked him he just said it was no show this is the way they always are. Other people have commented to me also about this and I have to say I was embarrassed for him and also myself that he is still my husband.

[Creed]

I, and plenty others here, can relate to being embarrased about our spouses/x-spouses behavior...especially in public.

It's like any brain cells that were left in that certain part of the brain were 'fried' or short-circuited when it came to proper behavior..or even self-control in certain circumstances. Not to care how your behavior might impact your kids, family is selfishness..plain and simple.

And the more you see/feel this, the easier it will be to distance yourself from the WAS...physically and emotionally. That doesn't mean that you don't still love them and worry about them, but it helps to know that THEY are the ones that are messing with their lives, and they really can place no blame on you or the marriage. They are living in their own little world that is so completely different than the world you had made together with your family/friends.

Yes, other people will comment about your WAS behavior...and that also will help you realize that it's all about them...not you, and not even really about the OP. It's what makes THEM feel good about themselves at the moment. They can't/won't remember the good feelings they had prior to all of this. The past has been re-written in their minds to allow for their present behavior, feelings and thoughts.

I'm sorry this affects your children so. Been there, done that...as many here can attest to also. Let the kids see you as the one that will not 'change' on them..give them something to believe in..something/someone to feel safe with. Security is so important to them through all of this.