Hi I am new here but have been reading your threads for the last few days. My story: My H left me and my 3 children 6 weeks ago. He met a woman and developed a friendship and of course it went further. Things started to happen in mid Feb and he came home from worm 6 weeks ago and just told me he was leaving us. He showed no remorse and it was just heartbreaking. The children witnessed the whole thing. It was as if he could not get away quick enough. I had my suspicions over the last couple of weeks before he left but he denied it all of course. Told me how much he loved me and the family and would never do anything to hurt us. She also has kids and he left and moved straight in with her. How he could do this for someone he really did not know is beyond me. We had been together for 20 years. He is still seeing the kids but it is so hard when he comes around. He will not talk about what he has done, not to me or anyone come to think of it. Last week he was unsure of things he had caught her lying to him and even though I told him what kind of a person she was he agreed with me. Instead of taking himself off on his own to sort himself out he went back to her despite all of this. I really think he is having a mlc but the way in which he has destroyed our lives is just devastating. I feel like I am in limbo waiting for something but I don't know what. Even now despite everything I do love him. I don't want to I want to hate him - maybe that will come in time I don't know. I think it is the disbelief that he could ever do such a thing to us all. 7 weeks ago we were a happy loving family and now feel we have nothing left. I get up every day for my children and am trying to keep strong for their sakes but feel my life, as I knew it is gone. I am trying to look positive and to the future but it is so hard to do. If anyone has any answers or tips please let me know as I feel I need all the help I can get right now.
Crush, Just a quick note--I am so very sorry that you are in this situation, but glad you have found this place. You will find lots of help here.
Thoughts for you: read and reread DR. Also make sure you check out the MLC resources on this forum. There is a whole lot of information on there that will help you. It's hard to say from the brief amount of information in your post whether your H is MLC or just WAH, but it doesn't really change your response. The main thing is that if it is MLC, it is going to be YEARS before he comes out of it, so strap in for a looooooong trip. I'm sorry to have to tell you that, but I don't want to sugar-coat it.
I know your head is spinning and this feels like a nightmare right now. Protect yourself and your children, give yourself time to begin to heal. Do NOT talk to your H about OW, do not bad-mouth him (or her) to your children (or, preferably, to friends or family), do not confront him about anything unless it is very important (pick your battles, and let go of any that are not absolutely crucial), do not cry, beg, demand, pursue, act nasty or rude, or anything like that. This is very important. It is also best if you don't talk to people in your real life (in other words, not here) about what is going on, except for a trusted friend or (preferably) counselor/minister. Don't lie about it, but avoid spilling everything out to anyone and everyone, because it will make things harder for you later. (You may have to practice this mentally in order to avoid just dumping on anyone from your sister to the paper boy.) If you can come up with the fee, sessions with the DB coaches are well worth the expense--I had six sessions with Jody myself, and many others here can testify to how much help a DB coach has been to them.
Oh, and don't wish to hate him. Nothing good will come of that.
When you have occasion to interact with your H, be polite and friendly and non-confrontational. This is going to be really tough when you just want to smack him and yell, "Wake UP! What's WRONG with you???" but you need to keep a lid on that when he's around. When he brings up R stuff or other things that are not neutral issues for you, be as calm as you can, listen and validate where you can. If he asks you to make a decision or discuss something, if possible, politely ask to postpone the discussion to a more convenient time, or to consider your options, or whatever, and then come post here and ask for help if you need it.
GAL (get a life)--this is very important too. Find who you are again, the person who got lost along the way. Make changes that YOU need to make--for YOURSELF. Make sure they are changes that you want to keep for the rest of your life--don't do it just to win him back. Use the motivation triggered by this horror to make those changes that you have known for a while that you needed to make, and make them stick.
I am sure others will come along and give you more helpful advice. I know right now you don't know which end is up and are simply overwhelmed by it all, but I have tried to hit the high points you will need right away. Just do your best, and keep coming here for help.
Take care of yourself...there are lots of good people here to help and support you.
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
About the only thing I would add to what Dawn said, is to do something physical. Exercise, walk, whatever. It will help with all that anxious energy and allow you to be able to think. If you meditate that might help. I found in the beginning I couldn't clear my head enough and I was way to edgy. This is were the exercise became very helpful for me.
I know (we all do) that you are all over the place emotionally and I totally agree about the DB coaches. Either way, you have found a great place to come and vent and ask for help. Sorry you need to be here, but glad you were able to find it.
Hi sorry for your pain I do know how hard this is I wnat you to be aware od the fact that many of these MLCers will spend and spend they lie and will conceal their spending secret credit cards ect so protect your bank accounts, property ect your H is not the same right now and the attracxtion and influence to OW is strong at this point it has to ride out try to focus on your kids and eat sleep rest pray read post ect we have all been there you will lose weight and not want to eat counseling is a must really we are all here for you peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Crush...I cannot reiterate enough what Peace said. My H and I needed to file for bankruptcy because of this situation, so protect yourself. Keep in mind that your H right now is not the same person you married, and you must be prepared. Many people go through this for years, so counseling to help you and your children is a must. Remember, there is no guarantee, many do come out of it, and you have a good chance of making your M work, but you have to be prepared for a long ride.
(((Hugs))) Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Thanks everyone for your replies and support I really do need it right now. I have not had a good day today. It is all I can think about right now. WHY WHY WHY. Still I have no answers. It all seems so unfair. I know he has been spending lots, buying designer gear etc using his credit card. Got to impress the ow. I don't know him anymore he has changed so much in 6 weeks. It is very hard to comprehend what he has done but he shows no regret, just that we all have to adjust to life without him and carry on regardless. How selfish can someone be.
It sucks, but some questions just don't have answers. Try not to torment yourself trying to find them. You are right, it isn't fair, but that's the way it is.
Now is the time to focus on taking care of yourself, and your children. Most of all, don't blame yourself for this, it wasn't your fault.
Please, to reiterate what peace said. Make sure you take steps to protect your assets now before he drags you into a huge financial disaster. Do you know if the credit card he is using is a joint account? If so, contact the company immediately and have yourself removed from the account if you can.
I, like the others, am not sure your H is in MLC based on the limited info, but no matter what it is there are steps that you need to take for yourself.
1)Definitely read and read and read DR 2)Don't dwell on the MLC section - read all of it. 3)Make sure you have protected yourself and your kids financially. 4)Do NOT discuss anything about OW with your H. Don't permit him to talk to you about her either. If he brings her up, kindly tell him that she has no place in your life and you would appreciate it if he would not discuss that with you. 5)Limit your discussions with him to kids and finances. In other words - NO R TALK WHATSOEVER 6)Get a DB coach 7)GAL 8)Exercise and eat nutritiously. 9)Understand that what you are feeling is completely normal. If the anxiety is causing you to have panic attacks, please see the Dr. immediately. Xanax is a wonderful thing and better living through chemistry is not always a bad idea....trust me. You can get off the meds with you have processed your situation better. 10)Be kind to yourself. Understand that although your H is the perpetrator of this horrible turn of events, a M involves two people. When the shock wears off a little you will find yourself dwelling on the "What did I do wrong" thoughts. Process them, and let them go. No matter what anyone did 'wrong' in the M, the choices that your H made are his choices and do not reflect on you. 11) JOURNAL. It is very cathartic.
We are all here for you. I'm sorry you have to be here, but this is one of the best places to be if you truly hope to not only save your M, but, in the long run, save yourself.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Crush you may never get the answers you seek. Everyone has given you great advice. You know your h is spending so protect yourself and your children. It is so very difficult to feel whole again but you will just take it one day at a time or even one minute at a time. Do something nice for yourself.
Oh my dear, I know this is easier said than done, but don't batter yourself with the why's. Chances are you will never know. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the answers. Trust me on this, I have spent almost two years now asking myself the same question, and I am no closer to the answer.
As for the question of how selfish, be prepared for more selfishness than you ever knew existed. It is going to be ugly, hard, heart breaking. I don't want to scare you, but you do need to be prepared. You are going to need more inner strength than you ever knew existed.
You will want to call him every name in the book, but don't. If you need to vent, come here, because nothing can shock or embarrass any of us. We have heard it all. Sometimes, he will say things to you that sound so horrible you will wonder who this monster is. Post it, get it out, crush it....trust me, you would be surprised how many of us have heard exactly the same things.
Read as much as you can, DR, DB, anything you can get your hands on.
One more thing to remember. You need to evaluate your life. This, however, needs to be done for yourself, and not for him. Trust me, if you attempt to utilize the suggestions in anything you read merely for the fact to get your H back, he will know. And if he doesn't, he will eventually. Mostly it is about learning and rediscovering yourself, working on issues you would like to change. All of us need to change, to become better. In the long run, if you do it for yourself rather than your H, the changes will stick.
(((Crush)))
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
