I have been familiar with DB for 10 years now, yet I just found out that my H has been unfaithful. Here is my story.
H and I have been married 28 years. We got married very young - I was 18 and my H was 21 (actually it was his 21st birthday). We got married after only knowing each other 1 year.
I was not a confident person and was afraid that no other man would desire me, and H worshipped the ground I walked on, and I did love him very much. I have since found out that he suffered the same self-confidence issues. We had a baby one year after marrying, and then another. We had our final (we thought) son when I was 23. 4 months later our son died of SIDS on xmas day.
In spite of all of this, we seemed to be very happy and devoted to one another, even while dealing with the incredible loss of our son. We went on to have another baby, a girl.
When I turned 30 I began working for a crazy boss - I don't say that lightly - she made my life hell. During this period of time I also went back to school. I fell into a great depression and gained alot of weight. H was supportive but definitely felt the pain of feeling alone in the marriage. H and I were (and still are) so different in our method of communication - I have a very hard, direct style, which apparently intimidates the hell out of him, he withdraws.
Fast forward to 1999 - H started to withdraw and tell me he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore. We saw counsellors, but nothing really helped. I tried to change my aggressive, angry style but I was so MAD at him for not talking to me about any of it that our conversations usually descended into fighting.
I also found out at this time that H had developed a friendship with a woman at work I'll call "J". Apparently they had lunch together often, but I didn't really suspect anything. I did and do have a very strong jealousy in me because of the lack of confidence in who I was, so I tended to not be very supportive of H spending time away from me.
From 1999 forward, H would spend hours out bikeriding, or go away on weekends camping by himself (he swears this is true, but who knows). Finally in 2004 he moved out for 4 months. This just about killed me, and I was a weepy, angry, needy mess the whole time. I was also still working in a very demanding job and going to school. Finally, H decided he wanted to work on the marriage and returned home in 2005. Things didn't really improve though, we still fought and I have to admit I brought up the pain of his moving out all the time. He became more distant and wanted to do very little together. We began sleeping apart, although he says this is because of my snoring, which is very bad I have to admit.
The long bike rides ended, and so did the weekends away, for the most part. But there were still times when he seemed to disappear in the day when I couldn't get ahold of him. But only during the day - he was always home at night. We still had a sex life, although not nearly as active. When we did connect on that level though, it was good.
Then last week my friend asked my why she saw Fred drive up a road in our area a few times - an area that I knew J lived. On the way home from work last Friday, I drove by her house. There was H's truck. I was sick. I parked and knocked on the door. A young woman answered and I asked who's truck that was - she said her mom's friend, named (my H). Apparently they were out together right then, but would be back soon. He had just mowed her lawn.
For 45 minutes I spoke to the daughter (she's 20), as she had suspicions about her mom and my H, but was always told nothing was going on, but that H lived a separated life in the house with his wife (me). She told me that H had been coming around for about 5 years, a couple of times a week, to help do yard projects and to have coffee. They went out to dinner occasionally and met other work people for a beer. She said he never slept over and were never affectionate in front of her.
Finally they drove up and the look on H's face when he saw me was absolute and pure fear. He asked why I was there, and I told him I wanted to talk to J. When I saw J, I was somewhat dumbfounded, she's 4 years older than H (53) and looks it. She agreed to speak to me and said that there was nothing going on between them. She did tell me that my marriage failed because of me and that H needed someone to talk to. She also told me that her marriage failed because of her H having an affair and that he was married twice before. I challegned her on that because her daughter told me that my H caused their marriage to be over. I had enough and left.
When I got home H was packed and ready to leave (he was in the process of remodeling his parent's house for us to live in - they both died in recent years). I told him that if we were to even think about moving forward he would have to never see her again. He said he didn't know if he could do that because he didn't have many friends. I said "we're done" and went in the house.
Over the next couple of days, H stated that he didn't want to see her again, and continued to swear up and down that I was the only woman he had ever been with sexually. He admitted the friendship was inappropriate but she was easy to talk to and he couldn't talk to me because of the anger I displayed (which was true). I'm trying to be honest here and display both sides fairly, although it's killing me, the lies and dishonesty. I thought he was the most honourable man in the world, this all blows me away.
Our children (all grown now) are going through hell and this has just about killed him. He wants to move forward with reconciliation with me, but he wants to live alone for awhile because he is afraid that my anger and viscious words will make him crazy. I am having such a difficult time knowing what to do - all my instincts (and family/friends) are telling me to be rid of him. But I still love him and we have 30 years together.
Any advice is appreciated.
Maggie
Me:47 H:49 3 grown kids Together: 29 years Sep: 5/8/09
I think you are in a perfect position to go to a good marriage counselor and do it now! Or, do one of the workshops that people recommend here.
I'm reading Passionate Marriage and it is really great. But I'm on my own and my H doesn't really want to work on M.
You've admitted that your marriage sucked. You have an opportunity to make a new one.
And, yes, lying sucks and emotional affairs suck but human beings do go off the deep end sometimes. He doesn't seem to like his own behavior, that is a start. Some of the spouses on here defend and defend and feel entitled to do whatever they want.
You have to make a choice. Do you want to try to start over?
the one big thing that sticks out to me is that he "wants to live alone for a while".
based on my experience, he is trying to keep u around and still see the ow (on whatever level he "sees" her) until he can make a decision.
and guess what - once u agree, he will be doing what is called "cake-eating"...
it happened to me - my husband told me he needed time to himself, needed to live on his own for us to work out our marriage. guess what - affair.
2 1/2 years later, my husband is back.
all i can say is this - stay strong. if u agree that u want to work things out, i would try to keep him from leaving the house.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
I do want to start over. Right now H is here, out pulling weeds and wanting to help in any way he can. We just had a pleasant, fun convo, I'm trying not to talk about anything right now. There is a time and place for that.
Too late on the moving out - he has been out for a week. My gut feeling, which is something I ignored over the last few years, tells me he has ended it. If not for me, then for his kids.
He is trying - there has not been a time when I could not get ahold of him or he has been here. Am I deluding myself? Possibly, but I know that if we are to move forward, I have to try and trust again.
My biggest challenge right now is to not get angry and righteous, because that will turn him away.
Maggie
Me:47 H:49 3 grown kids Together: 29 years Sep: 5/8/09
What about marriage counseling? What about Divorce Remedy? Have you read it again?
I don't really like speculating about OP without proof but usually people here have the experience to call it out.
I personally don't think it is really the point. The point is that he's still around and if he is willing to work on it, well, you've articulated that it is worth it to you. So, onward.
I haven't read Divorce Remedy. MC is something I plan on doing, and I will talk to H about it.
Yesterday when H was over, I played it cool, took him a beer and let him talk first. I didn't try and play the dumb little wife which is what I have done in the past to make him feel more of a man (oh lord, that was hard to type). I got up and left first, didnt't talk about the future, didn't talk about her, didn't question him.
When H went to leave yesterday, he gave me a very long, passionate kiss and asked if he could come over again tomorrow (today). He said it would give us a chance to be alone (our oldest son had also been at our house helping with the gardening).
I am stunned at how hard he is trying. I think he will want to ML this afternoon. It all kind of scares me because a week ago he didn't think he even wanted to give up the "friendship"??!! Now he never wants to see her again.
I do think he was abducted by aliens.
I'm trying to keep a level head and not let my emotions get in the way and just let things happen, but I'm scared. Scared this is all an act on his part just so that the last week (which was horrendous for both of us) can get behind him and life will return to normal. Scared that he will return to her. Scared that I won't keep changing the way I want to change so that I can be a better wife and person too.
I'm reading, reading, reading.
Maggie
Me:47 H:49 3 grown kids Together: 29 years Sep: 5/8/09
I've got the thought demons upon me right now. What if he's lying about wanting to get back together? What if he's secretly calling, emailing her?
Our son is getting married in September and H is his best man. When all of this blew up last week, S gave some serious thought to not having H as his best man - and told H this. This was a huge blow to H. What if H just makes nice until after the wedding? He will be here in one hour and my usual MO is to berate him with all of this, looking for reassurances. I know this is not the answer...I know. But to be duped again...
Maggie
Me:47 H:49 3 grown kids Together: 29 years Sep: 5/8/09
Take this time to do something about your R. If you are going to try then stop focusing on if you get "duped" and get into counseling. You can't know what his motivation is but you can get some help before things devolve further. Just my two cents.
Do not grill him or berate him. If you want to do that, better to just kick him out and give up.
