Registered: 05/15/09 Posts: 2 Loc: Ca Hello...my name is Nicole. I am new to DB, unfortunately for me. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself which is easy to do. My H left me about a month ago. He has been staying with a friend and just told me yesterday that he has rented a place of his own. It is about 15 minutes from our current home where I live with our two daughters who are 8 and 6. This all started when I found some concerning e-mails on his account. He posted a profile and was looking for "discreet" fun. Luckily I found the post the day he posted it but confronted him about it which is when he told me he has been unhappy in our marriage for awhile. I told him we should go to counseling and he reluctantly agreed. Went to one session which went relatively well and then he went to Hawaii for a 10 day work trip. (he is in the military) I voiced concerns that I was worried about the trip and while he was there he told me he wasn't coming home...and he hasn't lived here since. It has been dramatic to say the least...me doing the crying, begging, etc. He called once saying he was having a hard time and felt like he was having a heart attack, not knowing if this was a mistake. I found DB about a week ago and have been putting the 180 into immediate action. I only wish I had done it before he left. For the past week I was taking note of the little changes..he was calling more for no reason, and when i saw him he was hanging around more and I was very upbeat and seemingly happy and I was hopeful that it wasn't too late until he told me about the place he rented yesterday. I had a bit of a setback. Our lease is coming up on our house here in about another month and he wants me to find a place close by so that he can see the kids. I want to move back to our hometown (2 hours away) to be closer to family. Like I said he is in the military and for the entirety of our marriage I have followed him and his career. He leaves on a moments notice and I have a job and a few friends here but not at all the support I would have back home. What I am looking for is advice on weather I can DB from that distance, if it will help for him to finally see the reality of leaving us...or if it will be harder to DB and hopefully have him change his heart and mind. Am I wasting my time? I feel so defeated already that he actually rented a new place. I am a strong person. I know I can implement all of the techniques...I just don't know what to do...he says he always wants to take care of us...just not be married anymore. I think he is having an early MLC, from what i read in the book...but it just seems so hopeless. I am crushed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. By the way, we have been married for 8 years, together for 10.
Edited by nicoles (Yesterday at 03:04 PM)
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#1768272 - Yesterday at 03:12 PM Re: New and Sad [Re: nicoles] BobbiJo BobbiJo Member
Registered: 01/07/08 Posts: 3478 Loc: Iowa Hello, sorry to find you here... I would say that once the lease is up, you consider renting something back home. Two hours is far, but not that far. What you will need to think about is where you are getting your support. Does your H take lots of trips for his job? I know almost nothing about the military but my BIL is Air Force and he does "TDY" a lot...
Anyway my point is if your H is not going to be around a lot then it might be good for you to be back home where you have support. Even with my husband in the same town (we are separated), he travels a lot for work and I have the kids the bulk of the time. It is nice to have grandparents here to help me with the kids when I need support. So I imagine you would like that kind of support, too. If you rented back home vs. buying, you would also be able to move back if you decided that is what you wanted down the road.
With him being in the military, do you guys move very often? The reason I ask is because that is something to think about. Have you talked about it? For example, if you are separated, and he gets transferred, does he think that you and the kids will move, too? Would you? Or would you rather have a 'home base' back in your home town?
Lots to think about, I hope I haven't given you too many questions. I would say continue with the counseling if he is willing to go with you. Any history of 'issues' in your M? Any previous complaints/problems between you that may be feeding in to this? It is always great if you can post more background info. to help us out. Take care _________________________ Me-33 H-35 Together-16.5 yrs Married-11.5 yrs S-6 D- 2 1/2 Bomb: Several... H Moved: March 2008 I moved: June 2008 Living TOGETHER: July 2008 H moved out again: Jan. 2009 With help from God I am turning my fear into faith...
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#1768294 - Yesterday at 03:35 PM Re: New and Sad [Re: BobbiJo] stuck808 stuck808 Member
Registered: 06/18/08 Posts: 800 Hi Nicoles,
Sorry to that you find yourself here and your sitch. You're going to find a number of great people on here who will help you especially when the chips are down. Don't despair.
In terms of your question. If you need the support, then I would suggest you go back to your hometown. It was your H's decision to leave, NOT yours. You have the right to live wherever you feel the most comfortable. If he doesn't like it, well he shouldn't have left in the first place.
I also have to ask...is there OW? If he was soliciting for one, then he might have one already on the side that you don't know about.
What were his reasons for leaving? Can you give us a little more background?
Again, keep the faith and post often.
stuck _________________________ M - 40y.o. W - 37 y.o. 2D - 6 and 2
Peace is a lie. There is only passion. Through passion I gain strength. Through strength I gain power. Through power I gain victory. Through victory my chains are broken.
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#1768321 - Yesterday at 04:14 PM Re: New and Sad [Re: stuck808] nicoles nicoles New Member
Registered: 05/15/09 Posts: 2 Loc: Ca Thank you for your responses...as for a little more background... We were together for a short time before I got pregnant withour 1st daughter. He was 22 and I was 21. He was stationed in Oregon and I was in our mutual hometown in California. I moved to Oregon and had the baby and we got married 3 months later. Over the years we moved from Oregon back to Cali, then to Guam where we lived for 3 years, and then most recently (not quite a year ago) back to California. He says now that he has been unhappy since moving back here...unhappy with me, his job, and life in general. Before the bomb, we had all of the usual stresses...issues with money, and what I look back on and call the "viscious circle"...him doing things that hurt my feelings and my pulling away. The things he did usually involved being unhelpful with everyday things around the house or the kids...but nothing specific or too serious or so I thought. Normal ups and downs so to speak. I have thought over the years that we should go to counseling...just to improve the everyday things, but we always make up, and end up working out our issues. I have never had trust issues...I have always given him space and freedom which you have to in a military marriage. Yes, he has always traveled alot and it was always a good thing for us. He would come home renewed, refreshed and we would miss each other terribly. We would write e-mails that were like love letters every time. It wasn't until we moved back to Cali this time and he started a fairly local job where he didn't travel as much as before. He was home all the time, and became depressed. He told me he feels trapped, and stagnant. He tells me it isn't me or anything that I did, just that there is something inside of him and this is what he needs to do. He is being very cooperative and nice to me. He feels bad and says he doesn't want to change anything except being married to me. Our therapist says he is extremely depressed and confused...and that he doesn't suspect an affair. I have doubts...and have of course asked him again and again if there is someone else...all of which he denies. Not that I feel he would be honest at this point. It is so hard not to take this personally...why on earth does he not want me anymore??? We have never had a sexual problem...we both persue each other and have great sex. He says I am a good wife, and an amazing mother. and he tells me I deserve more than what he is able to give to our relationship. He has barely spoken to family and friends and wont tell anyone more than what he is telling me. We are all collectively shocked and devastated...especially his family and parents who I am extremely close with and have a great relationship. This is the hardest thing I have ever experienced...I have so many friends and family who are there for me and I still feel so alone without him. We were a team and I thought we were in it for the long haul together no matter what. I am going to counseling still but he wont go. He says he will but then something comes up so i have stopped asking. One of the worst parts is that everywhere I go or look there is a reminder of him. Constantly.
So, i haven't gotten all of the abbreviations down...but I am 31, H32 D8, D6 M8yrs R10yrs bomb 03-2009 moved out 4-2009 _________________________ nicole
Hi Sandi. Thank you so much for your advice, it really helps to get another perspective. I am definately moving to our hometown..your advice as well as that of many others has made that decision my only choice, along with what you were saying about really needing to move on for myself. He is not happy about it, he says I can do what I want but that he wants to be closer to the kids and doesn't want me "taking them away". It is hard because I have to deal with him about all of the financial aspects and I feel like if he was ever going to change his mind that he wouldn't let me go thru with it and if he does it is like a nail in the coffin of ever hoping for a reconciliation. I can't help but think that in my heart I know we are not over. I am sure everyone thinks that way...but everyone in our lives is so shocked and upset...everyone says how much pride he has in me and the girls and that he talks about it all the time. We had so many plans for the future...we were about to look at buying a house right before all of this started!! Anyway...I have read DR and am going to look more into the "going dark". Do you have any recommendations on how to do that when I still need to talk to him re: finances and renting a new place. The military pays for our housing....and he says he will cooperate and give me what I want... which makes me freak out and scared that he will never want me back. Ahhh...this is so confusing. I just want my husband back!! That being said, I also want him to go on this journey...to figure himself out and I can do the same, ideally we will both do that and be stronger for it together in the future. I am so comforted on this site...it helps so much to know that I am not alone and i wish everyone the best...I wish i could help more people and maybe someday I will...when my life isn't in such turmoil. You were so right about the emotional rollercoaster..it makes me want to puke all day everyday! Thanks again for your imformative and comforting posts!!!
