So lonely

[Scared08]

So I'll start by saying that we have been seperated since Nov.08 I moved out on Jan 1 09. She filed for D and I countered. I have asked a couple of time if she would want to work on us, but she still has no feelings for me, and asks as if she would only be bothered if i died because she would loose the money i give her. I can not believe after 17 years that someone could hate someone so much.

I have tried dating since I have been told it was over, and there was absolutly no way we would ever make it. the dating has not worked at all. I am still in love with her. I just end up thinking about her and that just makes me mad. I have been very nice to her and also been working on getting my own life.

so my question is how do I get over her and heal the pain and the loneliness. When I have my kids it's fine cause they are with me, but when I have to come home to a quiet apartment it just makes me so sad. the silence is so loud.

I realize that the women that I have been talking to are just to fill the hole in my heart, and that is not fair to them or me. so I have taken a step back for now.

[Ready2Change]

This has been working for me:

Healing takes time. Feel the feelings.

Be in the present. Do not dwell on the past. Do not fear the future. Enjoy every minute of every day. Wake up and take several really deep breaths and feel how good that feels. Lay in bed a few minutes and just focus on how nice the sheets and pillow feels. Look around your room. Put things that you like in your room. A painting you enjoy looking at. Photos of the kids.....Same thing in the shower. Enjoy how the water feels on your body. Find nice wash clothes that you enjoy looking at. Find shampoo that smells nice to you. Massage your head and enjoy how that feels. I enjoy the moment all day long...It makes ME happy.

As far as the loneliness, I enjoy everyone one I come in contact with. I visit the local star bucks on my way to work. I know every one of the employees by name and personal details about them. They reciprocate. I talk to people in line. I nurture other relationships. I am happy by myself. I go out and exercise as well as enjoy my hobbies. I initiate conversations with complete strangers.

Smiling and flirting: Fake it till you make it.

[Scared08]

Thanks for the kind words Ready2change. I find myself blocking out the memories, and sometimes wondering if it all really happened. When I see her it all floods back in and rips my heart out.

It sounds silly but I don't know how to pray anylonger. I start to pray and then I just can't. Not sure what to ask for, or anyhthing. I do thank God for all of the blessings he has given me, but can't understand what His plan is for me.

I also miss the physical touch of another human ALOT! I'm not talking about the sex;(yes I do miss that too); but the smell of a woman, have someone there to hold, kiss, and share with.

[The Wifey]

Scared08,

This site has been so much a support to me that I am going to post to you before I head out fishing. (Those that know me, know that I rarely put anything before fishing.)

Stop the dating for right now. I know you don't want to be alone. I understand. It just doesn't fill what you need to fill right now.

Praying will help you. It doesn't have to be fancy. God knows how bad you hurt. Get on your knees and just talk to him like he is sitting right there listening. You don't know it yet, but he is right there waiting for you to lean on him.

No need for any fancy words. Many times my prayers are just simply, God, I can not handle this pain. I hurt and I need help. You will find comfort and He will help you. The more you open up to Him the more He will help.

Do you want to go forward with the D? Stop right now and just reflect. If this is not what you want to do then you have to work on you.

May seem it isn't fair, and in some ways its not, but you can't change anything until you change you.

You need to stretch and grow and be the man that she would want to be with, if that is what you prefer.

I know the feeling of not believing this is happening, or that the person you have been with so long could be doing it. The sooner you accept this is the the reality the better.

It doesn't have to be the end. What do you want?

If she is what you want, if you want your M restored, it starts with you.

[Ready2Change]

Feeling the feelings is good. Just don't let spouse see them...In private at home works. Venting here on the website.


I pray for positive change in ME. I pray for strength. I pray for Patience. I pray to listen better.....

For human touch, I get massages, facials, haircuts, pedicures....Hugs from my kids......Petting dogs and cats works too....

I was never a big toucher before going through this. I now instigate touch with other people, hand on a shoulder etc......

I have touchy friends. My gal pal touches a lot (non sexual). She gives me hugs.....

Women in line or walking past smell nice. I enjoy that. I am even bold enough now to ask about the fragrance if I like it....Compliments go along way too....

I am nurturing many relationships. I listen better.

[Ready2Change]

Pass out what you want to receive. Universal law.

I pass out more smiles, guess what I get back more of.....

I pass out more love, guess what I get back more of......

I am more compassionate for others........

Forgive others.......(Radical Forgiveness is a great book to read)

[lost fireman]

Scared 08 I guess these feelings are normal, I dont post alot, But read everyones sitch. My wife of 13 yrs walked out on me, The hurt has been tremendous, my 2 kids are devastated, but she is happy go lucky, I wish I could say the road is short but I cant. The best thing you can do is appear to go on.but that is a whole lot easier said than done. I feel for you my heart breaks each day.\, I have two boys I only get half the time and we did everything together. prayers for you

[xalelle]

Hi Scared,

R2C has some good advice there about living in the moment and expanding your relationships. All of us end up in M difficulty due to a problem in the underlying R - and typically, upon introspection we can find that similar problems exist in all of our Rs - with family, friends, children, co-workers, etc. So a very useful exercise is to work to improve the way you relate to others - completely separate from your M.

As you cannot fix W or your M directly, you must work on you. Focus on how you want to improve yourself. Make a list, make sure it is things you see in yourself to improve, not what you think W would like to see. Put things on that list about relating to other people - I really like R2C's getting out and talking to people at *bucks. Anything you can do to improve your relationship skills.

This will not only improve your chances of a restored M, but will improve your life in all facets. We relate with people constantly, and the better we do it the better we do everything. Plus, you must be working on making you better - you have to get to the point where you will be better, with or without W. Until you get to this point there is little chance of a new R with W. Read more here, you will see that "success" really has one measure - when the LBS has reached the point that they are happy with themselves, know they will be ok regardless of the outcome of the M, and are looking forward to the future, not constantly crushed by the current circumstances.

And the funny thing is, right when the LBS gets to this point, quite often the spouse becomes interested again. I wont lie to you and tell you always, or even most of the time, but it is far more often than when the core of DBing (making yourself better) is not employed. And through the growth created by DB, you will be happier and better regardless of that outcome.

Hang in there, we all know it aint easy but it is absolutely necessary. There is no way through but through, keep pushing.

[Scared08]

Thank you for all of the encouraging words. Yes I do have alot of questions that I need to answer for myself. She has said some really ugly things, and calls me all the time for money. I feel like I have a bill collector hounding me. BTW I have always complied and provided money for her and the kids. I am not one of those dead beat dads.

Anyhow, the confusion of feelings is just so overwhelming at times. I know i'm not telling you guys anything new. AUGH! sometimes I just scream "Why me, Why my family?"

[The Wifey]

Scared,

Listen to those feelings. It hurts - you cry. It makes you angry - you punch a pillow. You need a hug - hug your kids. Never, ever deny your feelings. But don't share them with her right now. She can't hear you no matter how you phrase it.

I recommend the book, The Richest Man Who Ever Lived. It is life-changing in some respects, for getting you to focus on you.

As for the ugly things she has said - you are both in an emotional situation. She chose to handle her feelings by saying those things. Returning them in kind will only bring a poison into your life.

Keep your words respectful, non-confrontational, and like you are dealing with a business partner. Always consider her requests for money by weighing them. Are they appropriate or reasonable? There is a difference between want & need.

And if her requests are made in an ugly way, tell her you are willing to discuss them when she can do so in a calm, reasonable way. If she says mean things or calls you names, warn her once that you will need to let her go and you will talk to her when she calms down. After one warning say I have to let you go now, bye.

Be firm, but polite. I will not fight with you. When you can discuss this with me calmly then we will talk. I had to say this a few times. The next time it happened he knew I meant what I said. One warning and he calmed down. Another time he had to admit he couldn't be calm about the thing right then and agreed to call later.

xalelle, I absolutely loved you saying that the only way through is through. That is so right. Once you accept that this is true then you can grit your teeth and get to it.