Oh. My. Goodness! What a weekend. On Saturday, I went to the gym and after I worked out, I showered and did my hair and makeup- the whole she-bang. I looked nice and I felt good. Then I spent the afternoon preparing a fabulous father's day for him. Then he was so quiet that he said almost nothing all evening. He decided to make a fire in the little fire-pit so the kids could roast marshmallows, but they really just eat them out of the bag. That ended up making us late getting the kids in bed (which he did not help with), and then, I had to shower to get the smoke smell out of my hair. There I was- wet head (getting frizzy) and kinda irritated and no longer looking or feeling good. He continued to say nothing and give no hint about the evening's furthur activities, so I took a sleeping pill at bedtime. When we went to bed, he asked why I wasn't wearing my new pj's that he liked. Arrgghh. I said that I thought he wasn't feeling like it, and then I fell asleep. OK, so he did a lot of stuff that he does when he's not going to ML that night, but I will admit that I was a bit passive-aggressive. I was just irritated with him.
On Sunday morning, I woke up and decided to just let go of what had happened the day before. I had his Father's day cards ready on the table and his big gift hidden in the back of my car. I also put a mushy card in his car for him to find later. We had a full day of activities planned, and we had a lot of fun with the kids. I wore some of my new feel sexy clothes, and I did feel sexy. When we ML that night, He TALKED. He asked me, in the sexiest voice I have ever heard come out of him, if I liked what he was doing. Did I ever! I knew it was in him. I knew that he had a side that was hot and sexy and a bad boy. I think I got a little glimpse last night. I see that he is trying. He talked! He isn't asking me to ML anymore, but just starting in. He isn't changing the subject right after we ML to something else entirely. That is some pretty fabulous progress.
I am wondering if he was doing the rubber-banding or man-cave thing on Saturday. He wasn't mad, he was just absent. Now that I have a little distance from it, I guess I should not have been so irritated with him. He did bounce back closer than ever the next day.
We are going to see the MC today. This will be the long awaited first visit that he is thinking we don't really need. I am trying not to let my expectations be too big, cause that could really cause some serious grief. I have really no idea what will happen. I am still wondering what the big issue was that he said was his problem. I am hoping that he will share that. I am going to really stick to the fact that we DO NEED MC and not let him talk his way out of it. He is trying to work on things right now, but he could stop trying when the pressure's off, and I don't want to go back. I am also going to be as positive as I can be, cause he is really trying so hard, and I do want to encourage him to continue.
Next time you are in the mood and he is quiet, why not approach him? I know it's not easy when you're reeling and wondering and waiting, but if you can somehow pinch yourself and get out of your head just enough to take action with a healthy, light-hearted approach, it just might help him realize that he can also feel free to approach you without reading too much into your mood.
My H told me that he used to spend days and days trying to talk himself into initiating. "I have to make it happen this weekend. Have to..." Then, "Oh, she's busy cooking. I'll wait til later." Then, "Oh, she's busy doing dishes. I'll wait til she's done." Then, "Wow. It's so late. I'm so tired and she's looks tired, too. I'll make it happen tomorrow, definitely." Then the next day: "Wow. The weekend's almost over. I better mow the lawn and trim the hedges. She's busy doing laundry anyway." And so on and so on until it turned into, "Next weekend, for sure." And then the next weekend would slip away as well. While my H was struggling with all of this noisy and self-defeating self talk, I was waiting and waiting and fighting off anger and resentment, and I wasn't being honest by pretending that I didn't want him. I wanted to give the guy a chance to come forward and make his move, but he really needed me to dance with him on this -- to come forward when he retreated and then to retreat and allow him to come forward.
Your H came through in the end and made his move without prompting, which I think is GREAT. But I wonder if you could have used Saturday as an opportunity to show him your desire for him without the expectation of ML.
Your H is aware and is thinking. He may be struggling with making a move, just as my H used to be (and might still be sometimes now.) Even if it is a slight niggling in the back of his mind, it's in there. With a little prompting from you, he will grow more and more able to stop (over)thinking and start acting.
For now, I would recommend that you make it easy for him by approaching him when you feel that "stuck and hanging" feeling. That way, he'll also see how he can make things easy for you when you need a nudge.
You are not alone in this. I still struggle with this from time to time, and need to recognize and act upon these opportunities in my own sitch more often (rather than going into my safe place to wait for him while denying my desire for him.)
MC was interesting. We had a mostly introductory session. Not much really happened. It's good my expectations were not super high, and I realize that this is just the first step on the road. Overall, I liked the therapist, she seems knowledgable, and H likes her too. We scheduled appointments into August (gotta get those Saturday appts lined up!), so H is committed to continue to go for a while at least.
Lucky, I think you may be right about us both waiting around to initiate, trying to read the other's mood and being afraid to be the one to make a move. I appreciate seeing your H's thoughts on the issue, it's VERY illuminating! It's hard to break the silence around sex that exists in our relationship, and I think I may have to lead the way by example just a bit. If it's intimidating for me, it must also be intimidating for him.
Hey Lucky, thanks! I'm okay. Things seemed to be going well for a bit, but are kinda taking a slide now. He does seem to have put me on the list of things to do...We have been ML every weekend. It is a step in the right direction, and I am grateful for that.
He is having some stress at work, and is bringing it home with him. He doesn't get snappy with me or the kids, just far away with his mind always at work. I am going to give him some time before I tell him to snap out of it. He's also had to work late a few nights, so he's tired when he gets home. He is making an effort to call during the day to check in, and it feels that he is trying to really connect, not just conduct business.
I am having some serious sinus headaches (allergies) and PMS on top of that, so everything is looking bleak. I've spent the last two days thinking what a waste of time it is to even try to improve our marriage. However, when the PMS hits, everything is stupid. I sit in Church and think, "this is stupid!" I look at my H and think, "this is stupid!" So, I know better than to take these feelings too seriously, and certainly not to act on them. I just need to sit tight and survive this week. It's not this bad every month, thank goodness! In the meantime, it's hard to feel sexy when my head is gonna pop open and everything is stupid, so my efforts have slacked a bit too. We will be back on track soon.
I called him yesterday to tell him some fabulous thing our D had done, and he asked how I was feeling and what had been bothering me. He was concerned that I had been distant for a couple days. I told him it was really just not feeling well, but not depression or anger w/ him.
When he came home that night, he had flowers for me! Sweet man. That set the PMS back a couple notches, for sure!
