Sorry nobody responded. That happens sometimes on the weekend. I know it's a mute point now, so I'm interested to hear which path you took and what happened. Hope either way you were able to have an enjoyable evening.
Hang in there!
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Where is the man who was going to be the game master? What you were doing before didn't work. Second guessing yourself now isn't working. I honestly believe that until you step back and get a grip on the fact that you can have a life without your wife you will continue this questioning everything you do attitude. When did you ever live life according to the advice of people on a bulletin board? I can see asking for some tips and tricks, but you are putting your life on hold waiting for someone to tell you what to do. Scared that if you do the wrong thing she will leave. She's already left the relationship. Get that. You can't change a thing she is doing or feeling. Heck even a lot of the feelings WASs have are errational and based on things they have built up to justify their actions so you can't trust that. Be true to yourself. Love yourself. Become a you that you are proud of. The general consensus on this forum is that every one of us became someone we didn't like. Life got in the way and we weren't as loving, as caring, as whatever. Point is we lost who we were and our spouses chose instead to look outside the marriage to find what was missing instead of clueing us in and letting us know what was wrong so that we could work on it together. Now is the time to work on you. Become the you that is important to you. Not the one that your wife wants or says she wants. Because after a while the resentment will set in and you will hate who you are or it will be too difficult to keep up the facade. Love is a choice. Believe this. Choose to love you.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I called to tell the kids goodnight before I went out. Long story short. She was going to put the kids to bed at her parents house and then go see him. Her mom... by the way had been drinking since 4:30 and what happened in the middle of the night if the kids needed someone and the only one there was her drunk mom? I mean geez... see the OM when you DON'T have the kids!! I told her I wanted to come get them if she was going to go see him and that I could get the guys to come over here and I could grill out or something after I put the kids to bed.
We argued.. and she said I couldn't get them and that when it was her night with them.. that she had ever right to put them to bed... and then go see him. I disagree... and those are my children too. She may be in control of whether or not she continues seeing OM but she and I have to come to some agreements on things like.. her talking to the kids from his house or while with him... also her seeing him on her nights with the kids. I keep telling her that she has too many things going on.... nursing school... homework/studying .... study groups... future part time job.... time with the kids? I said... sooner or later something will fall through the cracks... I mean it's obvious that it's gonna happen... I mean in order to see him she is resorting to doing it on nights that she has the kids. I mean.. tomorrow night.. no kids.. and many nights this upcoming week... no kids - she has so much going on that she is having to see him on nights that she may have the kids and I am not ok with that. That has nothing to do with our R... only to do with our kids. I told her that a judge would look at that from the standpoint of character of a mother.. and she of course didn't wanna hear that.
In the end... I settled the situation and her down... as usual for the last 2 weeks I am the one that is able to cool things down and get them into a rational talking mode.
After almost an hour of talking we both agreed for me to go ahead and get the kids.
I asked her a question. Which is more important? NOT ending your affair with OM.. or You and I being able to deal with each other without a 3rd party involved in both of our emotions and therefore you and I being able to communicate about any and everything effectively, peacefully and rationally? One of the two.... which one is more important to you? I said ... I think you need to stay home and really think about that question. You want peace between us.. then you do what YOU know you need to do to acheive it. Did she meet him... who knows... but the OLD wife was out at the moment - that is the good one... so I am pretty sure she stayed home.
When we met.. things were upbeat. I had bought her in the grocery store today... a bag of her fav potato chips along with fav dip and a drink (just old habit). I gave these things to her when we met and she said " why are you being nice to me ". I said well I was in the store on the chip aisle and saw them and I thought of you. She seemed pleased by the fact that I was thinking of what she would like. I said... just consider it.. thinking food and she smiled again and said thank you.
As she walked around to the side car door to hug D3 and tell her goodnight.. I turned the radio CD player back on.. I had a CD in that was as she says one of the things that she feel in love with me about. My car... my music and my SWAGGA...
As she opened the car door.. she heard the song... it goes... " IF you take your love away from me... I'll go crazy... I'll go insane... my love runs deeper than the oceans and seas.. if you sail away you take the centerpiece of me... don't leave... don't leave me girl... please stay with me tonight.... ETC.." She says " you are mean " in a playful way... she hugs and kisses D3. Then with nothing else to say.. instead of going on to her van she comes to my window.. and says again... " you are sooooo mean " again VERY playfully. I said.. WHAT? Acting clueless... I was wearing a hat... she playfully pushed the bill of the hat down.. and said " you are bad.... so bad "... I looked at her and mouthed the words... to the song.. and I said... I'll see you later.. and she stood there.. shaking her head as we drove off.
GAME ON... I peaked her curiosity in the last few days... and no matter what... we had a R moment.. right then and there.
GOINGTOFIXME... I may have some off days.. or moments... or whatever... but even if I do or don't like this being a game - I do know that I play it well. I just have to remember that she CHOOSE me once.. and she can do it again.
I do know that with or without wife... life will go on. Is it just me or does anyone else feel me on .. knowing in your heart that when God created your spouse (be that m or f).. that he created her or him ONLY for you and that the same can be said about you for her/him? God gaves us each other and along the way.. we freaked it up. I am strong.. I have my weak moments... but I know that I love my wife; with all of my heart. And yes she is making choices and has made choices that show that she doesn't love me anymore. I choose to stand... straight and tall for my marriage. I choose to be the man that God created me to be... as a husband, father, son, brother, and friend. I feel that one day hopefully before its too late that my wife will choose to be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend that God created her to be. With Gods GRACE (forgiveness and compassion in circumstances that there should be none)... she can heal.. and I can heal.
I think it is hard to give feedback when it is such an assertive post. You are telling us how it is with great certainty so, I suppose we watch and see what happens next, right?
Oh, I don't think it is bad to be assertive and have that clarity, there is just not much to respond to. It takes time to see what is "working."
