You are correct, things will continue to be difficult as long as she is with OM. You can't control that. You will never talk her out of being with OM. I know it's hard, the hardest thing I've ever tried to do (notice I say tried b/c I don't think I've been successful yet), but you have to lovingly detach and stop pursuing her. I have tried it and it's true - the more I pursue, the more H pulls back. Also, don't bring up OM any more. She needs to see changes in you that make you more attractive to her. But most of all, you need to make changes for you.
How long you stand or if you file, that's up to you. It's your power. You are in control. Nobody here will tell you if/when you should give up. Think about what you want for yourself and what you can and cannot take. Then work toward that using the DB principles.
I know it's hard. Hang in there.
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Hey HNC, i read your situation, sorry your here but i along with everyone else here am here with you.
Let me show you the first thing i read when i read your post...
"definetly not easy. I spent the first 4 weeks of our seperation basically begging her to stop seeing him so that we could have a dignified seperation and divorce if that's what it came too.
LOL
What a WUSS.
You know it's me time... it's time for me to be daddy of the year and get back the bravado that I had when she met me. She got so turned on by how confident that I was. The first time I asked her out ... I said... So... when are we going out and she laughed and I said .. no really... when..? And it was on from there.
I have read in markhavingprobs - drop the rope... and I get something LOUD and clear right now... She is DEEP into an emotional and sexual (admitted) affair right now ... has told me that she loves him and that if I had treated her better that she never would have strayed. Well you know what? I deserve better!
So she wants to play a game... well baby I am the gamemaster. First up... NEW ME... Second up... MOVING ON... and if she doesn't do a 180 herself... batting 3rd will be GAME OVER.
I know everyday I won't be as confident as today but today I am feeling it. As a family member of mine said... kill her with kindness bombs and move on."
Man you layed it all out there in this post....this is powerful this is what is in your heart not some BS you put in a post for everyone to read... it is obvious that you love your W....i have put this post in a notepad so when i feel like caving i come back and read it....
I myself am a rookie in this Game...i never thought i would even be playing this Game but i am here...I have been reading and posting and ?'ing every possible outcome, what should i do, what can i do...and then i read your post and I was enlightened.
You my friend know what needs to be done...
"So she wants to play a game... well baby I am the gamemaster. First up... NEW ME... Second up... MOVING ON... and if she doesn't do a 180 herself... batting 3rd will be GAME OVER."
You are the GameMaster...first up new you...work on you, I know easier said than done...I got myself back in the gym, ive found the hardest part is getting there when all i want to do is turn all the lights off close all the blinds and and sleep this sh*t off. Work on you, You are the GameMaster read your first post when you start to ? yourself.
Just my $0.02, not worth much but hope it helps....Later and keep fighting the good fight
In my conversation with WAW about 4 hours or so ago...
We talked a bit about... the ability to forsee the future. One of the things I said was... if we go back to February 20th (our 10 yr anniversary)... would you have ever thought that a little more than 2 months later that not only would you have wanted out.. but that you would have said you were out.. no looking back? Her reply was no I wouldn't have thought that would have ever happened. I asked... well since we can't predict how we will feel 1 month from now... 3 months from now... 9 months from now or 11 months and 29 days from now.. Do you think it's safe to say that your present feelings and current future feelings are that you don't want to stay married and that you won't be interested in working on the the marriage... well... based on us not being able to predict the future would you agree that you may know what you want now but that you have no idea if these feelings will change? She said .. yes.
That's quite a bit of turnaround from the ABSOLUTENESS that she has been living in for the last 4 weeks.
I have gained alot of confidence in myself over the last few days... while some days are harder than others. We even laughed quite a bit on the phone tonight. My wife is still in there... somewhere... hidden deep below the pain of 10 years of hurt that we have caused each other and the love fog of the OM.
I asked her about miracles? I said... do you believe that God can show us a miracle? She said... yeah.. I said well.. look at it like this. The miracle would have to be... heal both our pain... help us want to trust again and learn to trust again.. and BOTH of us have to change the things that we would agree have caused us and each other pain and stife over the course of the marriage - we both agreed on that.
Again.. we didn't talk much about rel/marriage... I would say about 15 minutes.. tops out of 90 minutes..
It was nice to talk to my friend again.. instead of the WAW that is filled with venom.
A little over a week ago.. in a conversation she said.. "baby steps," ... I think somewhere deep down she doesn't want to end this.. but she is so afraid of looking back 20 years from now and seeing a 30 yr marriage full of heartache and dissapointment. I am gonna show her the man that she has always wanted. Hopefully she will show me the woman I have always wanted. If not then I will have to make my own decision on what I want at that time.
Well wife and I last night discussed me getting the kids from her tonight instead of tomorrow so that they could go to church with me in the morning (she isn't attending anywhere right now).
I said.. let me decide what I want to do and I will let you know tomorrow. Well today... I have decided that as a part of GALing.. I am gonna go out tonight. All of my current friends are married and I don't have anyone to go have dinner and do whatever else with... so heres where I am stuck.
I can go out alone... which I am ok with... or.... do I mention my plans to wife and ask if she wants to go to a late dinner once the kids are in bed at her parents house?
I called her a few minutes ago and told her that I had decided not to get them tonight but rather I was gonna go out. She said... well.. well... what are you doing? I said... I haven't decided exactly? I can tell that I have peaked her interest. My concern is that if I go out and she is not with me.. that instead of sitting there.. wondering where I am and what I am doing that she will call OM and talk with him and basically even forget that she was really wondering what I was doing. I know I can't force her to think about me.. and I can't force her to go out with me.. and I can't force her to not call him tonight.
I only know that I am going out tonight.... with or without her. I would love it to be with her though? Any thoughts? Yes or No to mentioning any exact plans for me tonight with her? Also Yes or No to me asking if she wants to go?
PLEASE help.. LOL. I need to let her know something at the latest... within the next 1 to 2 hours...or she will have already eaten.. so it will be a mure point.
