Her: "I just don't like you very much right now"

[BigJohn]

After a long talk last night, I am feeling fairly confident that my wife's EA is now over. (See my prior post). Limited (texting)from 4/15-4/22 and no contact at all since then. No signs of major grieving- don't know if the contrast between he and I (him = scumbag; me = Boy Scout), what she could lose (him nothing) plus the EA being an "outlet" mitigated the grieving or not. Right now, she wants "space", has acknowledged realizing to some degree the magnitude of a divorce, and has stated that she does not know if she could even go through with a divorce.

In our discussion last night, I mentioned to her that I wanted to exceed in giving her "space" and asked her to define these needs to me more specifically. She stated that "I just don't like you very much right now" which is tough to hear but maybe encouraging because it implies emotion (I think) and not complete disengagement. She also mentioned not wanting to be specific with me about things because she didn't want to be mean to me- she does not want to hurt my feelings. When I suggested perhaps she needed to take a vacation to her parents house for awhile (to give us both space), she more or less quashed the idea and stated that she was going to focus on getting a job now (here) and that our finances did not make such a "vacation" practical. This was also encouraging.

Regarding "space", she indicated that beyond limiting our talking about our relationship, she wants to limit our physical contact as well as saying "I love You"(i.e. kissing goodnight, unless she feels like it) to each other. She also verified that she is still not capable at this time to "take an occasional break from it all" to have sex- if even to just relieve tension and/or feel good (both of us). This was tough to hear, especially since mutual attraction and sex have always been outstanding in our relationship. It's understandable if she feels the way she does, but I can't help wondering if there is more to it- like wanting to avoid "bonding" with me and/or maybe she is trying to "let me down easy" before trying to pull the trigger (separation/divorce).

She stated that she continues to feel very uncertain whether she can regain her feelings for me as I have failed to meet a number of her needs for so long. She also is very skeptical that I could fully forgive her for the EA (although I pretty much already have- I just don't want to say it and lose credibility right now, among other things). She said that she doesn't want to see me get my hopes up.

I recognize that I need to work on myself right now and give her the space she needs. Question #1: I am considering getting a prescription for anti-depressants to take the edge off of my anxiety so I can be more focused at work. This may also help me with giving her space. Anyone have any good results with using anti-depressants? Question #2: Our therapist gave my wife the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie to read. Is there anything in this book that I need to be concerned about and/or could be misconstrued by my wife? Based upon what little I have heard, I am a little cautious about the codependency movement- we don't need to muddy the waters further.

Again, I am grateful for any feedback.

[Ready2Change]

Hi BigJohn,

Sorry to hear about your situation. You have found a great place for support and ideas. Keep posting in this thread so we can track you sitch. Post in other peoples threads and they will reciprocate.

Discuss anti-depressants and sleeping pills with your doctor. I know many people that have had great results. During this difficult time in your life, anything that helps is worth doing. Sleep exercise and a good diet are critical.

I purchased "codependent no more" based off of recommendations here. It is the next book I plan on reading.

Recognizing that you need to work on you right now is great! Have you read "Divorce Remedy"? I have listed many great books at the beginning of my thread if you are interested....

If you truly love your spouse, lovingly give her what she asks for. She needs space right now. Give her space and even more space. I treat MsR2C like a cat. Nice when she comes around, but I DO NOT PURSUE. This is critical.....

A question to always ask yourself: "Is it better for me to be around her when she doesn't what me there, or be gone and allow her to miss me??"

Anyway, keep working on YOU and remember that YOU will be OK whatever choice you spouse makes......

[BigJohn]

Thank you for the feedback! I have not read DR yet. By the way, what is "GAL" stand for?

Actually, I have been intrigued by the Marriage Builders website and Dr. Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs"- I might get it.

You and I are the same age, my wife is turning 39 this year and we have three kids, 11 1/2, 10 and 3. Married 17 years, together 19 years. I read the summary of your sitch- I am so sorry. I hate being in "limbo land" right now with my wife, but things could certainly be worse.

I guess one of the overriding fears I'm having right now is whether I may be "played" somehow by my wife which is why I'm trying to understand some of her behaviors and see if there are any patterns indicative of anything. I know such an exercise may be fruitless, but it is a self-defense mechanism on my part. Then again, could this do more harm than good?

[orangedog]

The best anti-depressants are good rest and exercise.

Rx's are very individualized and may require trial and error before you find something that works. Find a good doctor, be open and honest, and be willing to work with him/her until you get relief without a lot of side effects.

I started with a family doc. Good - made sure my causes of depression weren't physical. Bad - just doesn't have enough time to get to the root of the problem. We tried a few variations and I got partial relief for about two years.

When the bomb hit, I knew what I was doing wasn't going to cut it so I had my family doc send records to a psychiatrist (medical doctor who takes additional training in mental health). Over several visits we were able to get a better diagnosis and started a different Rx. Things are going better now.

I also do talk therapy (discussing the situation, cognitive behavior therapy, mindfulness) with a psychologist who I have a long relationship with.

Know that pills and talk doesn't mean a life without problems. There will be good days and bad days and that my friend is life. All this does it make sure you're solid enough to take 'em on. To make sure you're starting on firm ground.

Talk, Meds, Lifestyle, Positive Attitude = Able to take it on.

[BigJohn]

Thank you for sharing your experience. Like most everyone else here I am facing/experiencing something i never thought I would. I would never have thought the need to consider taking anti-depressants- for any reason- but am beginning to realize I may have to, at least for now,to stay on level ground.

[Ready2Change]

Love = Patience & Kindness

Forgiveness helps YOU.....

Keep your head up during this difficult time....