I am confused as to whether my H is WAH or MLC? I was reading Smurfs thread in the MLC archives and my H seems to fit so many categories.
He has left, gone completely cold (only emails me in relation to our D7) and has been bullying and verbally/emotionally abusive to me, our D and my mother who is staying with me and D7 through this crisis. So much so that i took a Safety Order out, he broke the conditions so i applied for an interim Barring Order.
I am looking at a man I didnt marry......he is living with OW, does not care anything about me at all, but is adamant that he should see D at least 50% of the time, if not a lot more.
He has not pain any maintenance for the last 3 and 1/2 months, except half the mortgage but that is because it is joint ownership. He seems resolute and as every day goes by hates me more.......but is it a question of him hating himself more than me?
I have struggled with the decision to take out these orders but I have been threatened and bullied in my own home.
Would really appreciate some feedback guys, thanks so much for your support.
This is an awesome sight with so much help and guidance, and amazing insight. Thank you
Your poster name brings back wonderful memories of Ireland, a peaceful and very beautiful country.
Here's my two cents...I wouldn't take out any additional orders on him unless he becomes physically abusive. As for the verbal and emotional abuse, walk away from him and go into another room. You do not need to have that kind of behavior being acted out in from of your child or your mother. Sometimes it's better to just grab your purse and take a nice walk. You do not want to fuel his anger any more than he is already exhibiting. You'll know when you can address his behavior. If you can get a word in edge wise, say "h, if you cannot speak to me in a calm manner, then I'm going to go out for a walk. When you are ready to speak to me in a calm manner, I will be happy to listen to what you have to say". He sounds like a big bully, who needs the air knocked out of his sails and the only way to do that is not react to his bullying tactics.
He hates life, himself and the way he feels. He thinks you and the relationship he had w/you are the problem. He hates the fact that he has to help pay the mortgage or give you the time of day. He may even look at his daughter as property and not a human being. But, does he hate you really? No, he's lashing out at you because you are safe to him. He knows that you love him and just like a child who misbehaves, they will try your patience until they get your attention. Your h is in his terrible twos.
I'm very sorry you are here and I do hope that the threads will help you along the way. Please do not take what he says personally. He's just lashing out at the world. Step back and allow him to box w/himself in the ring. You are not to be his punching bag in this fight.
Please take care of yourself. You have you child and mother to focus on. Leave your h twisting in the wind.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Innishannon if I may say something and Snodderly correct me if I tell her wrong because I probably should not be giving any advice.
I am one of those LBS's that thinks my sitch is different. Believe me when I tell you its not. The more you try to fight back and defend yourself, you are just keeping the fire going strong. They are ALWAYS right in their mind, no matter what. It only makes your sitch worse. It's like arguing with a someone that dont understand english. Truly it is. Everythink you say will be reworded and turned around on you. Dont even try it. I was tossed out on my butt more times than one, because I stood up and tried to defend myself. You are not arguing with a normal person. Good Luck and please listen to Snodderly. Dont be another sunshinlewis.
I have really appreciated the time that you have put into your posts. I have been in real trauma about these orders; it has been a very difficult decision in both cases. I do honestly believe though that I will risk incurring his wrath to protect my child, my mother and myself. he has not shown himself to be a physically abusive person. the problem is that he relies on having control through the power of his words and the command of language. When his words are diminished through someone meeting him on equal territory his anger needs to still be released and it is then that I am dealing with an unknown quantity. Yes, I love my husband but he, at the present time, does not show any indication of being the man I married. There is no care or love for me; that is apparent being directed elsewhere. I am not trying to exacerbate the sitch but I need to stand up to him and give him some tough love........
Have just woken up; mornings are always the hardest.
I have been hit by a few things this morning. I have carried so much hope and sense of possibility but things have turned so horribly wrong in my sitch.
I have always been a woman who believes in the commitment of marriage but how can I in my sitch.......where is the hope. I have no alternative but to believe, especially after we go through court on Thursday, that he will never come back; that he will never speak with me again except via email.
There is part of me that admits that I couldnt want a man who has done this to my family and to me. This man has
betrayed me as a wife and mother committed adultery abandoned me abandoned his D7 lied continuously for the last few months, except about how much he doesnt want to be married to me or have anything to do with me seen my mother go through her life savings in an attempt to try and help me and our D through his time as we have very little money and he has not paid any maintenance.
How can I respect him? Yet I am grieving the man that I married, who I love with all of my heart. Instead I find myself staring at the enemy and I am tormented by the heartache and the trauma that everyone that I love is going through.
Please help....I am in a sad place, in a place of bewilderment and exhaustion. I am trying so hard to keep going, to be the best mother that I can be, to be the responsible parent and be the secure stable presence in her life.
The man you love is still there, but buried very deep within his soul. What he's going through is something that we cannot imagine, for he's lashing out now at something that transpired when he was child and was emotionally stunted back then. Even though you cannot see the injury, it is there.
What I can offer you is this, please try to separate the behavior from the person. You dislike the behavior, but the man is still there as well. Grieve for the death of your marriage, take the time you need to pick up the pieces and understand this...you will survive and hopefully things will be less stressful after Thursday. Time will tell on that one.
We are always here to support you. I'll be thinking of you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Dear Snodderly, Thankyou so much for this; your kindness is very much appreciated. Sometimes I believe that the man I love is still there somewhere.....but there is such extreme change. I also think that he is not the sort of man to make the choice to work hard at this marriage; and I am. I feel that happiness is possible in my life if I make it happen. To think that it could be with my H seems impossible now........the question is when people decide to stand for their marriage at which point do you see and admit that your H's actions seem to be giving you little reason for hope. I am trying hard to get on with my life and to look after my D7; my H, since the interim barring order hasnt even rung her to see how she is. He is with OW and they have begum what is a new life with each other; he has moved into her house, but he is paying her; she is an employee.......I think its sick really. I look at my D and I cant for the life of me understand how a man could do this to his family. He said that he wanted out, his marriage is over and he has moved on.......after 4 months? He is now not emailing me; all arrangements re our daughter is now done through solicitors; he wants nothing to do with me and is sticking to it; no contact. I am a good person who is loving; a good mother and a good friend so I simply dont understand why he is doing it with no guilt. Validation from OW? Has he found new happiness? Could someone give me some feedback? I know I sound like a broken record!
Just another thought; I also find it difficult that this man who has been my frind and my partner has left me after my illness; I am still in the position when I may need more tests re cancer.....there has not been one mention of it for 6 weeks; as a human being how could this man, who has spent 10 years with me, just cut me off; no contact, no care. Surely people who end their marriage when there are children involved talk to each other? Does this mean that he is truly in love with OW? Mmmmmmmm, am confused and feel as if I am not getting it
I'm very sorry to hear that he hasn't inquired about you, your health or your daughter, but this is the norm for a person in crisis. Right now, his focus is on him, what he can do and have fun with, his new friends, ow, etc. Let me try to give you an example....say you have a pet that has been cooped up in a cage for a very long time w/very little exercise. Are you w/me? Then one day, the cage door suddenly opens. What does the pet do? First he looks around and then gingerly steps out and once out runs like there is no tomorrow....this is exactly what your h is doing right now. The new found freedom, the euphoria, have him going at top speed ahead. You and your daughter, unfortunately do not exist in this new found world until a moment of sanity should take over.
I imagine this is the way he'll be for a while. Once the euphoria starts to wear off a little bit, he may begin to contact your daughter more. For now, you need to understand that this is the way many of them behavior. It's not you or your daughter...it's him what is driving this? Depression, fear of death and not being able to do things one more time, the living of a life that he can never recapture for very long.
I seriously doubt he's in love w/the ow. His view of love is that of a teenager, it's not the love he shared w/you. They are actually using each other in many, many ways. So, leave them be, do not worry too much about his "love" for her. It will get old some day and as his crisis progresses, many things will change in his eyes. Just let him go and you continue on down your path, for you are the healthy and lucky one here...you have your daughter and that is far, far more valuable than what he has right now.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am so glad you post here you are very wise and make lots of sense.My husband came into town this week he has turned his hair blonde, brought down his Harley....I guess on a trailer....just today contacted our daughter...she was so upset because sheknew he was here he just took his time he just should up at my mom's no cal no nothing...who does he think he is....macho man? He had put this woman above everything and everyone else...I bet he does exactly what she says to do....why do they the O/W have such control......
M-53 H-46 M-24+YRS BOMB-10/14/07 2-S 2-D Grandkids-7 Greatgrand kid-1 He needs space... Wants to start fresh new life W O/W Moved in his O/W Oct.08
