My H filed 12/08 - I responded 12/23/08 - It is now 6/09, and haven't heard anything. ( oh dear, I hope I haven't jinxed anything! lol ) And he has OW ( Skank )! I'm sure she has to be pressuring him about it. And we continue to live in the same house. Skank must really hate that! haha So, you never know how it's going to go as far as timing.
Also what you said about your sister; I heard the same thing. My H said maybe I need someone like BIL to make me as happy as he makes her. Yes, they have been married for over 30 years and they act like newlyweds. But, this was after they D after 10 years. They were D not quite 2 years before he started coming around and doing little things for her. She even told me that if the D happens it might not be so bad. It would clear the air. I couldn't argue with her just by looking at them.
I know..... it doesn't really matter that a piece of paper says D. Its still somehow hard at this point. Will he just keep doing this (running away) instead of dealing with the problems at hand? How can he change this behaviour if he just leaves. He came over and gave me a big hug....several times today. He said "I miss you too, u know. I am so proud of you and so impressed with all the things you have done since you came here."
Its nice.....but, I am wondering if it wouldn't be easier if he just hated me. This is .......he likes me and he still feels that the only way we can clear the air is to get a D. And.........in a lot of ways, I can understand that. However, now the issue of ME TRUSTING HIM comes up. If he can do this once so out of the blue, then how will I know that he won't do this again. Its a real dilemma for me internally....emotionally. I believe he is a good man. I believe that we work very well together. I mean in the last 3 days, we have accomplished so much stuff that would have taken me a month to do on my own. I think he is attracted to me....
It still is not enough, bc he feels he is "obligated" and does not want to act based on this one fact.
I have been pretty good today. Not pushing. I did ask that he think about what his idea of a marriage is and also, like he took charge of my career (cuz he was better at it), why is he not letting me take charge when it comes to R issues (since I am better at that)?
He said it is a difficult ? to tell me what his idea of a M is. He needs some time to think about it. So, I said ok. The next ?, he answered by saying "yeah that's true and i will have to think about that too".
So we will see what he answers. I do think I am going to be getting this D...bc H feels this is his safety net. So, I get it and I am processing that. I just really wonder what would happen if he spent a couple of months LIVING either with me or around me?
Thanks MJ and mnt_dreams.....You are both right that it is really WONDERFUL that he is noticing and responding positively to the changes I have made and he is already open to trying something else (even though that is not the way I want to go)...its better than him NOT coming all together or him coming here and Not responding to me at all.
Orchid, I just wanted to quickly say that it sounds like a really hard week to get thru but i think you are doing really well. I can't even imagine having to be so strong for so many day/hours together but you are! And I think H is noticing your changes which is great, he has commented on some of them, and just think he is def noticing others that he wont probably mention. Keep doing what you are doing for a few more days and then you can regroup. Keep up your PMA, acting as if and build in some fun things to do, I'm sure he will be thinking of them even after he goes back. I think you have gotten some great advice from Mnt, so keep up the good work. I think sometimes that the fog is so thick they can't even see how crazy or absurd their suggestions are! and sometimes you just want to whack them over the head with an huge dose of 'real life!' hang in there!
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
Hi all......I know I am writing a lot, but if I get a moment, I just want to keep my head on straight and it helps to write my thoughts and experiences out.
So, we were doing well actually and then today I got a letter from his lawyer with a date for our D...its Sept. 11th (our court date) and it is the day after our anniversary. I just lost it. I didn't lash out but I did start to cry...the tears just kept falling. I finally just excused myself and took a few kleenex and went on the balcony. I collected myself and came back. The tears were still flowing unfortunately. He apologized. He said he couldn't have known when the courts would set the date. I validated and told him I didn't blame him. I said its just a piece of paper. Its ok. Its just hard sometimes. He was very understanding and I think he felt really bad.
He said "can we talk". i said "ok".......he said, "Have you thought about what I said yesterday about starting over next year this time?" I said "Yeah, I am just not sure...it seems like a lot is being asked of me and I have to think about it." He said, "You know this is the most fun I have had with you in 2 years time. I really think I need time to figure out some stuff I am going thru and deal with my own issues. I don't know....I may be having a MLC, maybe."
HELLO????????? DID HE ACTUALLY SORT OF ACKNOWLEDGE THIS????
Anyways, we went out for dinner. He said some of the same stuff about really enjoying himself with me. As we were leaving he said "Its like I'm discovering my woman all over again" He stopped and I just pretended I didn't hear him....cuz I think he shocked himself and I didn't want to add.
Should I have said something?????
Anyways, we came back to the apartment. I said I have just one question "how is it different in your mind if we put the D on hold or if we go ahead with it and then try to work things out later??" He said he needs to think about it.....he's not sure.
I left it at that and now we are just hanging out. OK. should I do anything else?????
Been thinking of you these past few days. Achingly tired right now (started new job today) but will post to you tomorrow. Lots to discuss. I think there is lots to work with here. Hang in there. Hope you are ok.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
orchid - you're doing SO WELL!! Remember baby steps... don't want to scare him off. Great questions posed to him and excellent job validating! Rediscovering his woman... nice! But now just let him think it over... I'm very excited to read this progress for you but would just encourage you to take it super slow. Even if you don't have another R talk before he leaves town, you've made some excellent progress here and are giving him reason to pause and consider his current path and if it's the right course. Acknowledging a possible MLC is huge! Self awareness.. looking outside himself... all good stuff.
Stay friendly, relaxed. Make the last couple days memorable so when he leaves he'll really have to wonder what he's doing and what he's leaving behind!
If I were going thru what you are going thru right now, I would be in pieces. You are doing great, in spite of the confusion you must be experiencing. My sitch is pretty f*&ked up right now, so take my advice for what it's worth...
A few counseling sessions ago, I was talking about something that my H wanted (I forget what), and how I would respond. The therapist stopped me in mid-sentence, and said, "But what do YOU want? Don't think about responding to what HE wants, just think about what YOU want in this situation."
So, your H wants a divorce, for a variety of reasons. You are confused and an emotional wreck about what to do. Maybe you should take a time out, and forget about what HE wants, and think about what YOU want.
Just my 2 cents.
Me: 48 H: 47 M: 16 years Separated: 4/24/09 3 cats, no kids My Story
So, we were doing well actually and then today I got a letter from his lawyer with a date for our D...its Sept. 11th (our court date) and it is the day after our anniversary.
I also want to comment on this, given that my 17th aniversary would have been this past Saturday. I was anticipating the most horrible day of my life. I did have an activity planned during the day, but nothing to do at night.
During the day I went on an art tour in the city with a craft guild I just joined. I carpooled with some folks from the suburbs, and on the way into the city, traffic on the main highway into the city was completely stopped, so we took some back roads instead. Here is the irony - WE DROVE PAST THE CHURCH WHERE I GOT MARRIED! Oh my god! But, I just gave it a fleeting thought, and returned to a conversation we were having. I didn't lose it, didn't even come close.
So, right now, thinking about your anniversary is the most painful thing, but I think when that time comes, you will have grown so much, you will handle whatever happens with confidence.
Me: 48 H: 47 M: 16 years Separated: 4/24/09 3 cats, no kids My Story
Well, my H is leaving tomorrow morning. I did not bring up the R talk again - as you had suggested mnt_dreams. Yesterday we just ate and watched a movie and went to bed. I was out all day for work related events and was out the door at 6:30 am this morning. I got back around 11am and I asked if he wanted to go out for lunch. He said Yes...and that he really wanted to have some of the margaritas we had had a couple of nights ago.
So, we are at lunch and he says he needs to talk about some stuff with me, is that ok? I knew I was in for another roller coaster ride....but, said yes.
He said he got a call from his lawyer and she told him that I really needed to sign the settlement form and send in my financial disclosure form asap.
I didn't say anything for 5 whole min. I was not expecting that we were going to get back together...but, I cannot understand why we can't just put it off for a year or even 6 months and re-assess. If in a 6 day visit, he is thinking he wants to try again at some point, why not wait.....not communicate for the next few months and then.......meet up for another week and see what happens?????.
He said that he thinks it is a compromise.....us getting a D and then seeing how we feel about each other by April (yesterday it was to try again by July???????)
He said that when he was thinking about all this......he just wanted to buy a ticket to New Zealand and just dissappear. Become a missing person! He wasn't going to tell anyone.....but, he couldn't do that to me. He said I kept him here. (IS THIS A GOOD THING???? HOW OBLIGATED DOES HE FEEL TOWARDS ME AND WHY WILL IT BE BETTER IF I LET HIM GO????)
He said when he gave me the papers he expected me to start hitting him or throwing things at him or cursing at him and .........I didn't do that...and on top of it, he felt like I was understanding and caring. He said it really threw him off.
On top of that I did not ask anything from him....no support of any kind. After a few weeks, all I asked for is that he tries to give our R a chance.
He said........ he is on "empty" right now. He needs to take care of himself. He wants time where HE psychologically does not feel the need to take care of anyone but himself. He has had to be taking care of someone since he was 19 years old, maybe younger....(he supports both his mom/grandmom and younger disabled brother).
He said.....he is, after this visit, starting to think that most likely this D has nothing to do with me, but he needs this to psychologically break the cycle that he feels he has been enacting since he met me. Even if I do NOT think that all his actions have been for my benefit, HE thinks he has been.
He said he doesn't feel like he needs to worry about me anymore. He was afraid I would be not living properly, but I have surprised and impressed him. (I DON'T LIKE THIS STATEMENT BC IT GIVES HIM ANOTHER REASON TO NOT COME BACK TO ME)
He says I look very hot and if he wasn't so stressed and completely lacking a libido... WHATEVER. I'm not sure I believe that.
Also, he said he didn't want to involve friends...to just tell them we are working things out and are living separately for a year while we try to work things out. I haven't told anyone in my or his family - except my sis and her hubby and so.....that would be not a big deal.
He doesn't want to feel pressured by family and I am starting my career and he doesn't want me to have that stress either (I think he is trying to save his own butt!!) But, on the other hand, I will tell you that friends have been super caring......but, also,they have become very difficult to deal with bc they have expectations......and its hard to explain to people that this is a huge and very long process.
He brought up the fact that I am not wearing my wedding ring. I said, "well, you're not wearing yours"...he said, "he thought he had lost it". I said "I found it". He said "well, give it to me...I will take it" WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN??? HE WILL TAKE IT AND WEAR IT.......OR HE JUST WANTS IT.......OR HE WANTS ME TO WEAR MINE???? WHAT DOES HE MEAN??
So my choice is get a D or Get a D and wait it out another year. He said he needs me to let him go......I don't know if I will be able to take him back if I let him go. How do I trust this person again?
I don't know what to do?????????? Advice please...
