I believe theres something wrong with me

[Sorrow]

haven't been able to post in a bit but I think there is something wrong with me. Maybe you all can give me some advice on this. My divorce was final 3 weeks ago last Thursday separated almost 7 months prior. I have received a lot of good advise here and in the books but to no avail there was no reconciliation, my wife I feel didn't give much effort to try and repair the marriage. 7 months later I received a phone call from her that she had put the final papers through and the next day I had them in the mail...we were legally divorced.

I continued to try and accept it. As time has gone on we have stayed in contact and are friends but I am feeling like I need to break that off as it is still to painful to see her it hurts so badly but I try not to let her see it. When we do see each other I do not bring us up at all. I have never in my life loved one person so damn much and I can't let go. I still keep pictures of her and us in my home, I still wear my wedding ring on my right hand and we still attend church together.

I pray in private each day that god will lead us back to each other some day. I haven't even considered trying to date or even just make friends with a new person. I'm starting to wonder if I need to seek therapy I still hold on to hope and to be honest I don't know why. You would think that a person would have let go by now. I just cant find it in me to move on from her, everything else in my life is going well. How do I move on? This is crazy but I love her so much even with her telling me that she loves me but is not IN love with me anymore. Please help me !!! no matter what I do or try to do to let it go and look into the future I just can't imagine life without her.

[aliveandkicking]

That all happened pretty fast and it is reasonable for it to take time to move on. It can only help to seek therapy, even if there is nothing "wrong" with you, you have been through a very traumatic experience.

I would say at this point to cut off contact if it is so painful. You deserve a break. But, honestly, I'm no expert.

It will get better.

[Sorrow]

Alive,

Thanks for the response and yes this all happened so fast for me, with her she has said that for that some time prior to asking for the separation she felt that we were not as connected and that she was waiting to see if that feeling came back for her before saying anything. I think that maybe if she would of said something to me instead of hiding that she was hurting we could of started working on things. She is the type of person that refuses to show that she is hurting or vulnerable to anything ever. She is a wonderful mother and woman and I'm sure she has her reasons. But if you love someone as much as you say you do wouldn't you want to try and save that? is my question.

Anyways I have found it very hard to let go of our marriage and being that we both live in a small town I do run into her on occasion and dread the day that I might see her with someone else. All though she tells me that she has never even considered that, I feel it is only a matter of time before she will feel the strain of wanting someone in her life to share things with I can't imagine that a person could go the rest of their life with no one. But then again I tell myself that I don't need to even consider trying to go through this whole trying to date build a relationship thing ever again at my age. I'm not even sure I would know where to begin.

I think it it is time for me to make some very tough decisions in my life and try to move on no matter what, but we have remained friendly with each other, there was never any fighting of any kind when all this took place I just thought, "I love her and if is what she wants/needs this is what I will do for her!" thinking it was a temp sitch and that we would get back together and all would be ok, how wrong I was. I want to be the man I once was when we met, confident, independent, and strong and this low in my life is holding me back making me feel and look needy, pathetic and useless as a man and I know that's not attractive to anyone especially her. And it sucks for me.

I think the hardest part is that I have really had no one to talk to at all about my feelings since we separated and that in it's self is very difficult holding all these emotions in I think in a large way it has held me back the most. All my friends are scattered across the country and just my 70 year old father about 50 miles away, no brothers or sisters to talk to either. She on the other hand has all her friends here and our mutual friends all see her more then me and when I do see them I don't dare talk about us knowing it will get back to her and just reinforce my pursuing her.

I have found a group that meets Wednesdays but its a bit of a drive for divorced people to meet and talk to help get through this time in my life. I can't afford a therapist at the moment.

Thanks for listening and more advice would be helpful and appreciated .


Sorrow

[hopefulinEG]

Get yourself to a councelor ASAP. How could you go through that for so long without someone to talk to. I would be going crazy.

Also you need to go DARK. No contact. No phone calls, not e-mail, no txt no nothing. You need to get some peace of mind and not have her there in your face all the time.

It sounds like you have not worked on GALing either. What have you done to make yourself happy? What do you do for fun? You will never feel better while you sit at home thinking about your W.

You do not have to give up or stop loving her but you do have to stop putting your life on hold and get on with your life with or without her. You said yourself you "want to be the man I once was when we met, confident, independent, and strong".

It is hard but try to remember who you were and what you did before. You had friends how did you make them. You had hobbies or activities you liked. Do them or if you can't remember just try different things. I'm have plans to go try the golf range, shooting range and even the archery range in the next few months to see if I would like them. There are so many new things. It is hard to try new things alone and I promise that once you do you will start to feel better. I have forced myself to go to meetups with people and stood outside for 10 minutes debating and made myself go in. Remember that you will be happy again. And these are the steps to get there. Going through the motions of having fun really do turn into really having fun.

Nothing and no one is going to make you happy or not depressed only you can do that for yourself. Trust me just go out and do something, anything and keep doing it and you will start to feel better.

[Sorrow]

Crazy isn't the word for it! I work 6 days a week and pretty much have to keep on with a 17 year old to care for I have taken the pictures down and even took off the ring today. Yes it is hard with no one to talk to about the way I am feeling. I am gonna start going to a place called divorce care in the city every wed there are a lot of nice people there that can help me with making new friends and talking through my feelings. As far as hobbies never really had any but gardening at the house we shared we had a lot of property and that is where she lives now I have had to move into a Apt for financial reasons to keep cost down. I will try to find something new to do it is a good idea just not sure how to afford it right now.

I think I have to go dark as you put it and make no contact at all. But if she contacts me how do I know when its the right time to respond back?


Sorrow

[Sorrow]

OK so today being mothers day, the kids and I decided that a card for mom would be a nice thing, and all though I did not really want to make contact and the kids are gone on a school trip it was up to me.

First I went to church, and after church sent her a short text saying I wanted to meet or stop by for a few minutes, she called me back immediately saying she would meet me. So I go to meeting place and gave her, her card from the kids and I to let her know we did not forget about her on this special day. We had about 15 minutes of very nice conversation and then to my surprise there was a nice hug at the end. I told her Happy Mothers day and got in my truck and left.

Is this a good thing or bad thing I don't want to be seen as pursuing, I think I handled it well. Since the sep and the D I have lost 16 pounds and have been working out and caught her actually scoping me out while we were talking LOL Anyways I want to know if I did wrong by going there or if it was ok to show her that we appreciate all she has done as a wonderful mother!

[aliveandkicking]

It sounds like a very appropriate interaction and that you made it brief and seem to have gotten an outcome you feel good about.

I guess, you'll know more over time if it is moving in a direction. But, it takes time.