My husband of almost 25 years has told me he wants to split up. He thinks he'd rather go through the pain of divorce than try and go to counseling and end up back where we are. We have two sons - one about to graduate from high school and the other finishing up 8th grade. We are both Christians so I'm having a hard time dealing with this. We're still living in the same house as there's no extra money in the budget for a second residence. He's taken to sleeping downstairs every night. It's very uncomfortable around here. We had lunch together on Tuesday and I shared with him my feelings about our marriage and that I still firmly believe our marriage can be saved. He's reluctantly agreed to go to a counseling session with me next Friday. He's wearing his angry and hurt like a suit of armour. He told me he's angry because he thought I'd just agree to divorce and it angers him that I'm fighting for the marriage because he'd made his decision and made peace with it. He feels like he's done all that he can to make the marriage work - that he's accepted he'll be the bad guy with our sons because he's choosing to end the marriage. I'm just reading the Divorce Remedy book. My anxiety level is getting the best of me. I'm really trying to give him space and back-off. I'm trying to exercise every day (walking 3 miles). What are some techniques others have used to give their spouse the space they need and not let their anxiety level drive them to try and engage their spouse in conversation?
He's said he keeps looking for a light to come on or a lightning bolt to hit him. So I've prayed that God would hit him with that lightning bolt he's looking for. Your prayers would be greatly appreciated. I'm a firm believer that you can never have too many people praying for you!
Hi, I am sorry your here but glad you found us. I will start by telling you the weekends are quieter around here so you will probably need to bump your thread.
I read and read here so much. My favorite mantra and I got it from the book I think was:
Is what I am about to say going to get me closer to my goal? If the answer is no then ZIP YOUR LIP. You can say to much in these situations but I don't think you can say to little.
Let him be angry, just listen, listen, and say:
I'm sorry you feel that way
Or
That must be tough for you
That kind of affirmation or sometimes I would just say "sure". That neither agrees or disagrees.
Stop talking about the M. If you get a DB coaching session I suggest it.....it helped save me.
This is about saving you,not him....
There are tons of post on here.... read them.
Is there another person in the picture?
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Hi and welcome to our community here on the DB board. There are different neighborhoods (the forums) and good folks in each one. The more neighbors you reach out to and put a post on their thread, then the bigger support group you will build up. Don't be shy b/c we all had to start here some place.
The more you can tell us about your stitch (story) the more it will help us. What are his main reasons for wanting to give up on the marriage? Is he showing signs of a MLC? So many people who have been married for about that length of time seem to go through a period of MLC. What are some major changes you have noticed? Do you suspect there is another woman? Is he staying out late and going places without you? Just fill us in on some more details.
Don't stop posting b/c it will help you more than you could possibly know.
Take care, Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
MLC? There's no other woman. We've struggled for a long time. We tried counseling several years ago but he didn't like the counselor so we just quit going. He asked me to go to counseling a couple of years ago but I wasn't in the right place. We've been living like roommates with occasional sex.
This last year there's been tough because his Mom has Alzheimers and he's gotten very sentimental about his Dad (whom he has always had a difficult relationship with) and what a great job he's doing taking care of his mother. He told me that when he saw the way his Dad looks at his Mom - he didn't feel that way about me. I just don't get it because he's always said he doesn't want to be divorced living somewhere by himself. Now mind you we've been together 29 yrs so I've seen his Mom & Dad in action and they've had quite a few struggles. His dad would get mad and not talk to anyone for days. My H has been caught in the middle of the two of them before (taking up for his Mom). His Aunt tells me that his Dad used to threaten to leave his Mom & she would cry and beg him to stay.
We went to a counseling session a week ago today. Which I'm giving the therapist one more try before I make up my mind about her not sure she is positive about saving the marriage but she seemed to do a lot of talking and was all over the place. Afterwards, he finally said to me I want to split up. I came unglued. We went home and unfortunately, I hadn't bought the book yet so I cried and begged for him to give our marriage another chance. I asked him to hold me which eventually led to sex. Which we both knew was a big mistake. But of courses he had to say that it was just sex and needed a human touch and after all I asked him to hug me when he didn't want to. Big mess. He's slept downstairs every night since then. We had lunch on Tuesday of this week where I was feeling strong and got a few things off of my chest. I told him I still believe our marriage is worth saving. That night he told me that he was angry because this is a lot harder than he thought it was going to be. He thought I'd just say ok let's get divorced. He's angry that I'm fighting for the marriage. Our oldest son most definitely knows something is going on. I feel bad for him because tonight is his prom and next week is his graduation from high school. My H goes from being short with me to pleasant. I'm just trying to stay out of his way now and take the advice of getting on with my life. Had a weird exchange this morning. He came upstairs into our bedroom when I was getting out of the shower. It caught me off guard and I immediately covered myself with a towel. Not sure why. Maybe just feeling especially vulnerable right now. He said do you want me to wait in the other room and before I could answer he did. He took his turn in the shower and then got dressed. He was having trouble finding one of his tennis shoes and was pretty agitated. I helped him find it. He caught himself and said thank you. I put some laundry on and then came back into the bedroom so I could dry my hair. He was laying back on the bed with his hands over his face. I asked him if he was alright and he gave me an irritated "Yes." Then I made the mistake of asking him did he have something he wanted to say. of course, he gave an irritated "No." He laid there for awhile and then finally went out to help our oldest son do some yardwork. Not sure what to make of it.
I'm journaling, reading the book and exercising to try and manage my anxiety. Next Friday's counseling session cannot get here soon enough! However, I have two fears 1) he'll decide not to go 2) He'll tell the counselor that he wants a divorce and that's it.
Re post to your thread on Monday morning as it will fall to page 2 or 3 and if you bump it... it willl bring it up to page one again.
If your counselor isnt' pro marraige don't go. Some counselor will counsel that a person should do what they need to do to make themselves happy at the demise of everyone around them.
My H has said the first counselor helped give him the push to walk out the door.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I started to implement the Last Resort Technique yesterday. I made plans with my girlfriend to go shopping and just hang out last night. Apparently my H told my younger son that if he was a good helper to me yesterday he'd take him to the movies last night. We were cleaning up because my older son's girlfriend's family was coming over to take pictures for prom. Anyway, when I heard about their plans - my H said to me - is that OK? Like he had to have my permission which was weird. I said of course! I have plans with C tonight.
When I got home last night, he was getting ready for bed - actually sleeping in our bed instead of downstairs. We made some small talk and watched TV. This morning he actually went to church with me. But I should have known better. Before church started, he asked if I'd care if he went our place at the lake next weekend becauseI said I didn' I'm going Memorial Day weekend with the boys (sons). Of course I said that was fine. But, I also said I never said just the boys were going. I said your welcome to go too. I'd rather we all go as a family (big mistake I know).
Then unfortunately during church I couldn't stop crying. He said to me what did I do? I said you didn't do anything. Uhhhh! Then I remembered we are suppposed to go the counselor Friday night at 6 pm after work which agitated him because he'll want to leave early Friday afternoon to go to the lake. On the way home from church he asked if he could call and see if we could go Thursday night. Unfortunately, the therapist only works at the office by us on Friday and Saturday. I gave him the card anyway to see what he can come up with.
When we got home, he said Do you want to go by yourself and then maybe I can go by myself? I said why...I know another mistake. He said I just don't know what to do because I don't want you to misinterpret anything. I slept here last because I couldn't take sleeping on the couch downstairs again. But I was afraid you'd misinterpret it. I'm afraid of being too nice - I'll afraid you'll misinterpret. And I'm afraid of being too mean- that you'll misinterpret it.
He took our sons over to his father's house to mow the grass so I went for a long walk. Trying to get over this weepiness today! We're supposed to meet my parents for dinner at 5 pm so I've got to get it together!
He did make sure our sons bought me a gift (hanging baskets of flowers) and a card which I think they'll give me later today. Which I do appreciate it. But I'm also angry - because this is just the crappiest Mother's Day ever! I'm in that angry mode again where I just want to shake him and say how can this be good for anyone!? Especially you?! I just can't believe he's made peace with the fact that he'll have to tell the boys and he knows he'll have to be the "d..." (his words not mine). How can you be at peace with tearing your family apart?
Any suggestions anyone has for implementing the Last Resort Technique or anything else - I'd sure appreciate it!
w - 47 H - 46 S - 18 S - almost 14 M - almost 25 yrs. still living in the same house
My first thoughts are that he is so frustrated and sad about what he sees his mother going through. Maybe there is even some guilt from when he was younger (we never know what somebody feels if they don't talk about it). I think what he sees in his dad when looking at his mother.....is probably sorrow, pity, guilt, and yes even love. If anything, his dad has to be sorry that he did not treat his wife better in the past and now he knows he will never be able to tell her the things he should have before or have the opportunities he once had to show her how valuable she was to him. So, your H is probably misinterpreting what he is seeing in his father's eyes. I think he is seeing what he wants to see, plus he seems to have forgotten what the past was really like. People in MLC tend to re-write history. I would not be surpirsed that this has not thrown him into MLC b/c he sees how short life can be and how precious "time" is and therefore wants to make the most of "his" life. He starts to examine how happy he is or isn't and then decides he does not have the perfect love union like his parents did (which we know they didn't). That is only the beginning of how mixed up people can be as they find themselves in MLC.
I am so glad that you have received your DR book. Be sure to keep it out of sight from your H b/c this is only for you. It will be your toolbox as to how to bust a divorce. It is for your eyes only b/c it is like having a game plan and you don't want to show the opposing team your plan.
I feel that the first thing you need to do is try to get your H to feel more relaxed b/c if he doesn't real soon......he will be wanting to move out of the house. The reason is b/c he is in a lot of emotional pain and confusion right now and people in MLC want to escape from their misery and all they know to do is to run away from what they "think" is the cause of it. Right now, he thinks you and the M is the cause of his unhappiness.
I think you might try to have a relaxed conversation with him and tell him that you will not place any expections on him as far as intimacy goes and that you don't want him worrying that you will misinterpret his actions (or lack of actions) as he mentioned before. Be careful not to say anything about his parents. That is a touchy subject for him and could easily lead to a fight. However, you could tell him that you just want to be able for both of you to have a relaxed atmosphere at home and not expect a lot from each other and just try to feel comfortable.
I would keep the conversation rather short and sweet and not get into a relationship talk at that time. The point is that if he feels that he can "let down" and not have a lot of expectation from you as far as the MR or jobs around the house or whatever....then he will not feel the urge to leave. I'm not sure of anything that puts more burden on a person than family illness such as his mother has. I lived in a situation where my D was concerned for years and it puts so much stress on the individual and the marriage! Obviously he is stressed to the limits right now and is on the verge of doing something to get out from under the pressure. That is what you don't want to happen! He needs to feel that he can come home and relax and not have you telling him what all needs done around the house or even to hear about your problems. That puts a lot of stuff on you to bear, but if you want your H to stay with you and weather this storm, then you need to do it. It takes a strong woman to do that. Even though you are natually taking this very personal......somehow, I feel that it all stems from what he is going through with his parents. So if you can stop the crying and keep telling yourself that he does not mean what he says or what he does, but that he just doesn't know how to deal with his problems.....and that he needs you to be there for him......I believe he will stay.
The next thing, is to pull away to a degree. Don't follow him around the house asking questions or talking his ears off or doing other things to get his attention. I'm not saying that you do those things, but a lot of women do when they feel insecure in the MR. Let him feel that he has space. I'm sure that if he has not already told you that he needs space, that will be the next item on his list. So, it will be to your credit to pull back before he tells you that.
As you are around the house when he is home, you try to keep a rather "care-free" personality. Stay as positive as you can, but don't do it at the wrong time. In other words, when he is sad about his mother, don't slap him on the back and tell him to cheer up! You don't want to "over-kill" and you do want to be time sensitive to what he's going through.
By being care-free, I mean to act as if you are going to enjoy life with or without him. Enjoy your children, your social activities, church, etc. When you are just watching a movie, act as if you are really enjoying it. Don't go around the house acting as if your last friend has died b/c frankly, nobody enjoys being around anyone who has a doom & gloom attitude.
I don't mean for this to sound harsh toward "you", I am just trying to throw some principles out there for you to catch in a short time.
As far as the MC goes......if he acts as if he doesn't want to continue, I don't think I would press it b/c it add more pressure to him. Again, you want to relieve him of all the pressure you can. Do all you can to make him feel free of any responsibility and pressure when he is home. I know.......as the man he is suppose to do that, but we are not talking about a permanent thing, just until he can get through this stuff he's going through. People in his shoes "break" from the emotional stress and that is what you are trying to prevent. You want him to look forward to coming home....not dreading it.
With having said that, I don't want you to think you are to cater to him and wait on him hand and foot, b/c to him that will be smoothering him....and that is the last thing he wants. Remember, give his all the space he wants. Don't ask him what he is going to do everytime he walks out of the room. Don't text him a dozen times a day. Don't call, email, or whatever your usual style of communication is during the day. Only if it is absolutely necessary should you contact him. That may be a hard habit to break if you are one of those W's that does that a lot, but rest assured that he will resent you constantly checking in with him if you don't stop. (That is how he will see it.....and it gets on his nerves big time.)
It is strange with human nature, but when we pull back a bit, then the other one will draw closer. Maybe not immediately, but in time. However, if we following them around like a puppy dog wanting a pat on the head, or we smoother them with our ever presence or get on their nerves trying to do something "for" them when all they want is to be "away" from us........we are hurting ourselves. See what I mean?
I think you are a smart woman and mature enough to know what you have to do to save this M. If he is going into a MLC (or already there), it will take a lot of time and patience for you, but it will be worth it if you stick by the DB techniques.
I'll talk to you later.
Take care, Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the insight. It's great to get another person's perspective. You made a lot of sense. Your advice for me was exactly what I needed to hear! Thanks so much! We've had a rough day and I left to go to my girlfriends house and she coached me the same way! I took out the book and reread the Last Resort Technique. After I'd been home awhile he came upstairs and said he was going for coffee because he needed to think. Said sorry about today and he said you didn't do anything I just need to get away and think. I said I get it that's just what I had to do. Between you and my friend I think I got the kick in the pants I needed.
I am usually a strong women and I have been so unhappy with myself for coming unraveled the way I have. I think I just needed my big meltdown at my friends house and your message to help me get my head on straight. My friend reminded me that it's only been a week since he actually said he wanted to split up and that what I'm feeling is natural - I just need to not let him see it at all.
He'll for sure be sleeping in the basement tonight and I'm actually grateful for that. I think I need to sleep without stress to get my courage and strength back.
Hopefully it's not too late and he's thinking about moving out at all costs. Not sure where he can go - there's no extra money in the budget at all. Hopefully, it will help him to get away to the Lake next weekend. The following weekend I'm going to the lake with our sons - maybe it would be best if he didn't go with us though I'm not sure how we'll explain it to the boys.
I've also decided to visit to my brother in June and see if one of my girlfriends can go with me. I haven't seen my almost 3-year niece in two years. I can't wait to get my hands on her!
I just have to say thank you again! I know there's no easy fix to this and it may take a long time to get through this. Guess I'll be building my patience muscles.
