My Divorce Is BUSTED!!!

[7 Year Itch]

Hi all. I haven't been here in EONS, and most of the names here look new to me, but I always promised that if I ever got HERE , I'd come back to post because I know how much hope I needed over the last year.

You can find all my old threads, to see where I started, but here is my story in a nutshell.

Together 13 years, married 9(in Sept) 2 Kids, ages 3 and 7 (ages 2 and 5 during bomb). No affair, just the old "don't love you anymore" bomb.

April 5th, 2008....... The Bomb (I don't love you, I know I NEVER will again, I want a divorce). Totally unexpected to me and very devestating. I knew we were in a rough "patch" but never imagined this.

We try counseling, get a HORRIBLE counselor who I think does more damage than good. After a whopping 1 visit, he says he knows he's done and nothing is going to help. WE then continue to go 3 more times to discuss how to help the kids cope through divorce. He has papers drawn up.

June (day after fathers Day), he moves out.

July (at my daughters last Tball Game, he tells me he is filing on that next Monday).

Through all of this I"m a basket case. Trying to DB, and not being very successful with it. Lots of crying, begging, pleading etc.

The following Monday (the day he is supposed to file) he calls, and says he didn't. No explanation, says he still plans to, but he's just waiting until I get a little more on my feet. I had been a stay at home mom since our kids were born, so rushing to get a job, trying to figure out where we are going to live (there was no chance of staying in our current house alone) etc was quite overwhelming to me.

The summer goes on. Weekly "notices" from him of impending filing, yet he never did it. I start focussing more on me and the girls, and doing our own things. I was still TOTALLY devestated, doing part time DBing with regular back slides.

August comes and he agrees to let me come on a camping trip with him and the girls. It goes great. Slowly, VERY slowly we start doing some stuff together as a family. About a thing a month. I'm working at this point ,on anti depressents (which it turns out I REALLY needed) DBing pretty well, and realizing it's a MARATHON not a race.

I'm also in individual counseling all these months (which I also HIGHLY recommend). My counselor asks if Chris will come to a session with me. Chris agrees and comes with me in January.

To which my counselor basically catches him off guard and gets him to agree to counseling. My counselor recommends someone after our last horrible experience.

The new counselor ROCKS! So from January until NOW, we have been in counseling, meeting at first weekly, and now we are down to every other or every 3rd week.

Over the course of the last 6 months we went from him coming for dinner to see the girls during the week 2 X, and him taking them every other weekend to his apartment, to him starting to eat with us almost nightly. Then he'd spend the occassional weekend night there (yes, we have been intimate through this ALL, which for us I think really helped us in keeping our ties). Then it went to every weekend, all weekend, to our counselor wanting us to try weekdays, emphasizing that we need some real "life" in there. So he has been here almost every night for the last 3 weeks. The other night we were discussing him coming home, and this being his last month in the apt. He's here all the time now, so it's just wasted money, but we wanted to be sure.

I told a friend the other night, then told him later that day about my friend and mine conversation. I asked him if i had jinxed it, and he laughed and said no. So now we are figuring out logistics, and figuring when to tell the girls.

We are going away for Memorial Day Weekend with two other families ( a trip we've been doing for YEARS, but I went alone last year with the girls and was miserable). WE are going on a 2 week vacation this summer. We've got tons of plans for home improvement this summer, and we regularly talk of the future.

WE plan on staying in counseling for a while longer. Want to be sure we really can keep all our new "communication" skills going. But we both have learned a LOT over the last year, and I truly think our marraige is going to be so different now.

How did DB fit into all of this? I'll be honest. It helped having a community. Knowing others were here and trying to save their marraiges like me. I found the GAL stuff to be quite important for me in my coping, and some of the other tools I regularly used too. BUT, I do have to say, that through it all I think it's important to remember that not ALL marraiges are xerox copies of each other, and after all those years together you DO know yourself and your partner better than anyone else.

I did do some things in the process that I know would be very anti DB, but were things I KNEW would affect my H in ways I needed him to be.

I honestly think the most important "tenant" of DBing is the part about not going in circles (I've forgotten the cute term she uses for it). If something isn't working, don't keep doing that SAME thing! I think no matter what things you are trying (DB or not) this is the most useful piece of advice. I may have not always been DBing, but I did keep changing my approach.

I told my husband one day he's going to thank me that I was like a Rabid dog that wouldn't let go! LOL. I asked him the other night if he would do the last year over again. He said he'd do a lot differently. I said jokingly "what, run when you could? You don't like the outcome?" To which he laughed and said, no he is happy with the outcome, he just would do stuff on his end differntly.

I think maybe through all of this he now sees that we CAN get through even the biggest stuff. And I'm hopeful that should we ever go through anything this big again, he will come to me to work on FIXING it asap, knowing it can be fixed, rather than starting off in a place of "it can't be done".

I wish you all the best of luck, faith, peace, persistance and patience (which was the hardest part of these last 13 months for me). And most of all I wish you all love.

I'm proud to finally yell, I'm a DIVORCE BUSTED!!!!

[JCJ]

7 Year Itch,

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!

I'm soooo pleased to hear your news and thank you so much for coming back to share.

[1853dave]

OMG!!! What a great story! I am SO happy for you!

I, like many here, cannot wait to post our success stories too! I am in the roller coaster phase right now - just trying to hang on while my W figures it all out. Working on myself, and I know she sees the improvements - and I'm happy with my personal improvements too. All part of the GAL, which is great advice.

I'm DBing to the best of my ability, seeing a DB counselor, using this forum, praying...you name it! I feel in my heart that we will make it - I hope my W starts feeling this too.

I'm still working it... Your success story gives us hope!
Again, congratulations on your new life!

[girlfromipanema]

Congrats to you! I remember you well and I couldn't be happier for you and Mr. Chris (you share the same name, right?) - and I'm especially happy for your two little girls.

I'm here to update my situation as well: Divorce Busted (woot-woot) and I love the way you summarized your story.

All my best for a very happy future.

xo

[girlfromipanema]

P.S. I think it's "cheeseless tunnels" ;-)

[7 Year Itch]

Impanema......... I totally remember you. WOW, you are busted too!!! I'm so glad!! I sort of got discourage here for awhile and that's kinds of why I disappeared. There wasn't a lot of hope here for awhile. I'm excited to see there are two more of us from last summer!! YAY!!! Congratulations.

And wow what a memory. Yep, we are both Chris'!!

Cheeseless tunnels, can't believe I forgot about that one.

Chris

[sandycay]

Count me in!

[sandi2]

So proud for you! Hope you will continue to keep those DB principles going from now on.


Sandi2

[ms ladybug]

I remember you! Another cop's wife, right??
Congrats! I'm so happy for you!

You too, girlfromipanema!!!

[mkultra]

Excellent! It is the best thing for your girls!!