Had to start a new thread because I couldn't find my last one. It's been awhile since I wrote in it.
Update: Haven't had any hang up calls. I've had my answering machine take all of the calls first anyway. It's been a little over a year now since I've recommitted to my marriage. I still worry about seeing OM while out. But, I don't dwell on thoughts about him any more. H and I are still working on the intimacy building. Slowly, there is progress in that area. We are definitely moving in the right direction. H is being more assertive about his feelings. He isn't sweeping them under the rug like he normally does, and that is good. My son is doing really good. Happy. Life is good.
TOnight, we've invited my egf and her fiance (the one she had the affair with on her second husband) over for a cookout. She DID enable me, and she did give me horrible advice, but she was the only one there during that whole time. I don't feel like I cannot NOT be her friend in some capacity. However, she IS that friend that "sucks the life out of me" emotionally because she has lots of issues and problems. She also makes me feel bad about myself. Or, I should say, I let her make me feel bad about myself. This will be the one time I invite her over. Then, I will let her initiate. I don't think she will because she never plans anything. She just likes things to happen at the last minute when they work out for her. So, I expect she will move soon, and be out of my life more or less. Probably a good thing.
Those friends you have when having an affair.....in some ways I know I need to let her go, but yet it doesn't seem like the right thing to do. I'm going to stay friends, but keep more of a distance. I hope that is the right thing to do. She does need help, and sometimes I feel like I am the only one that can help her. But, maybe she just needs to start helping herself.
From the perspective I'm in, W built a cadre of "friends" in our neighborhood whom she spun tails of abuse and horrible living conditions to in order to build support for carrying on her A with OM. Were we ever to have a hope of reconciliation, NC would also apply to everyone she used to enable her behavior - at least from my pov.
It would almost be beneficial to have a "clean slate" so to speak, building friends of your M and not friends that aren't 100% supportive of your M.
Then again... my W probably has other issues besides just enabling friends, but she conditions people to enable her behavior by telling them wildly skewed versions of what has occurred in our R. YMMV.
My opinion though is that a clean slate is a good thing.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I see what you are saying, DCBM. In fact, I would LOVE to just have a clean slate, but.... Well, I don't think it is right to not help someone you think you can help, and to abandon her when she needs me more than ever.
I am respectful of my H and always ask what he wants to do. I don't go out with her alone at night or anything. I tell him everything that is talked about. It actually brings out good conversation and talks. When I see her, I see the old me, I see what would have happened if I chose the OM. I don't like what I see. My husband knows this.
That being said, I am trying to find more friends with a strong commitment to their marriage and faith. Yoke myself with like minded people.
Sometimes you just can't wipe them all away. Some friends do stick with you during the messy time, but I think you need to hold on to the supportive ones and not just the ones that wanted the scoop. Sometimes it takes a while to see the difference.
I know we talked a bit about that on my thread earlier. So far I haven't called my "friend" but she hasn't called me either so I guess we know what pile to sort her in.
I am so proud of you, wish you were closer.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
She DID enable me, and she did give me horrible advice, but she was the only one there during that whole time. I don't feel like I cannot NOT be her friend in some capacity. However, she IS that friend that "sucks the life out of me" emotionally because she has lots of issues and problems. She also makes me feel bad about myself. Or, I should say, I let her make me feel bad about myself.
I don't think you should feel guilty about giving up that friendship. I think you can have healthy and unhealthy friends, and you don't owe the unhealthy ones everything. I mean you could leave the door open in case she ever decides to become healthy, but you prob. should distance yourself from her. I mean when I think about it, I think of the friends my H had when he was drinking/partying. Hey, they all needed help, but if you want to get healthy (and my H did at that time) it's best to avoid people like that. And if she's sucking the life out of you and making you feel bad (even if you are allowing it), I don't know if she is a true friend anyway. Karen
Thank you, kat, Doc, and Karen, for the Mother's Day wishes....I hope you all had good ones, too. It was a nice Mother's Day weekend. I spent it with my own family, my mom and dad, and my H's mom and dad. My H surprised me by getting me something he heard me talking about. My son made me a special gift, too. It was all very nice.
Friday, the egf and her bf came over with her kids. It also went well. I've done my part now. I'm going to distance myself like you all suggest, because it IS the healthiest for me and my family. I won't abandon her, but I won't initiate things with her either.
I got a hang up phone call on Saturday. It prompted me to do a simple search of court records. Sure enough, my OM has a temporary restraining order on him marked domestic violence. I can't believe that was the man I risked my marriage with. I'm not sure who got the order on him...could be a roomate, his ex, a new gf.....man, I was such an idiot.
My H feel asleep last night, and I looked over at him sleeping and smiled and thanked GOd once again for not letting me lose this wonderful man.
My H feel asleep last night, and I looked over at him sleeping and smiled and thanked GOd once again for not letting me lose this wonderful man.
WDID reading your posts give me hope, when I really need it. I see H going through so many of the same things that you did. It is knowing this that helps me, but at the same time frustrates me to no end.
Glad to see you are doing well and moving forward in the right direction.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
