After the emotional affair she says she feels done

[BigJohn]

My wife of 18 yrs. was contacted late January 2009 by an old boyfriend on Facebook. Casual conversation soon developed into emotional bonding and by Valentine's Day, my wife found herself deeply in love with this person. I discovered the "emotional affair" on 3/1/09 and was told by her that she was too committed to the affair to stop. The next month and a half was hell with her spending a substantial amount of time texting, emailing and phone conversations on her cell phone with him. Fantasies of them running away together (with our kids) were discussed. Some of the things I was told during this time was that she wished one of us was dead to make her choice easier and that she loved him "more than anything else in this world". An incident involving a phony MySpace woman (perpetrated by her brother)which my wife's "lover" started having a relationship with in the midst of their relationship hurt my wife, causing her to rethink what she was doing and be (temporarily) angry with the lover. Unfortunately, her brother felt guilty about it and told my wife who in turn developed sympathy for the lover- "he is a single guy and can do whatever he wants". Following this incident, my wife reports that she started reducing her contact with the lover over a two week period leading up to 4/15/09, when she had a "final" conversation with the lover and promised our therapist and I no further contact. I later learned that this promise was broken repeatedly until around 4/23/09, when she claimed she stopped contact altogether upon a visit from her mother. She stated that in the final conversation, the lover told her he did not want to continue a relationship while she was married and that she could only have him if she divorced me. When confronted after 4/15 regarding the additional contact, she stated that the further contact was not harmful, only texting, to see if he was "OK". She stated that she was emotionally un-invested in that relationship but then admitted "I can't get him out of my head". We are going on Week 2 of supposed no-contact, but I don't see obvious signs of grieving over the end of that relationship other than general moping around the house- no crying, etc yet she insists she is "definately" over the lover. However since 4/22, she has told both me and her family several times "I am not interested in working on our marriage". She has also floated the idea of a trial separation for the summer at her parents house (we live in CA & they live in Utah- about 20 minutes away from the lover's house). (This separation option is for the time being out of the question for her for several reasons). During this time(since 4/22), she has been devaluing everything and everyone that keeps her tied to our hometown along with continuing to devalue me. She has also be "rewriting" our marital history to make it seem in her mind that we have had a mediocre marriage at best. She is distant towards me, never reciprocates any compliments and avoids physical and eye contact whenever possible. I have been able to reach her emotionally a couple of times and each time she has indicated (tearfully) that she never thought she could ever participate in any affair, emotional or otherwise, behave the way she has and even contemplate divorce. She has said that she doesn't want to be the type of person to divorce and be the source of so much pain to our family. Yet, when she talks with her family, she seems almost cavalier about being sick and tired of me, "moving on and getting a fresh start", etc. Right now, she is requesting I spend my time with our therapist to address my own personal shortcomings- which she discovered were the source of her disappointment with me that came to the surface during the affair- "lots of little things" that she only now realized were cumulatively a "big deal" (especially when contrasted with the lover). And while I do that, she wants me to give her "space" to work things out in her head despite not wanting to work on our marriage. While I and our therapist have both told her there is no deadline to working on our marriage, and she continues to say "I'm still here, I'm not going anywhere", she also continues to nurture a "fantasy" about going back to Utah to start over again- even looking at job postings there. (She is currently out of work- unlawfully terminated back in January- and not motivated to get a new job here). She has commented several times about "hanging around a few months to see what happens", but with no real interest in working on our marriage, I don't know what that means. I suppose she could be buying time to develop an exit strategy, who knows. But I sense a certain level of anxiousness/urgency within her to just separate now without giving sufficient time to fully contemplate all the consequences of divorce. Or give me any kind of a second chance. I am baffled over the huge changes in my wife over such a short period of time and don't know what to do. My instinct are to keep engaging her in communication over our relationship, but she wants to keep it very limited- she want her "space". Any feedback on what may be going on inside my wife's head right now would be helpful (especially from any woman who has gone through this before), although I understand whatever it is, it probably is not rational. What can I do now to stabilize the situation with her and bring her back from the edge at this point in time? Apologies for the long post. I would be grateful for any feedback regarding the above. Thank you.

[Purple]

First suggestion....if you break up your post into paragraphs it'll be easier to read.

stop pursuing her. You are trying to control her and she will just run further.

I'm at work at the moment so sorry for the brusqueness of the post.

[Doingitright]

Big J

I have been traveling the same path. Same timing. Same facebook problem and EA. Been reading divorce remedy. At the very least it helps you understand what how you can cope and deal with what is happening. Good luck. May God guide you and bring you peace.

[Gypsy]

Good morning, BigJohn..

Here's some good and bad news. The bad news is.. you can't verbally convince your wife to do anything. The good news is.. you can take action to be the person you're meant to be.

The deterioration of a marriage takes two. Taking 100% accountability for your 50% starts moving you along in the right direction. Remove the negatives.. in my case the messy house frustrated him. The less the disenchanted spouse has to gripe about, the more they are forced to see the real picture.

A great book to read is "Not Just Friends" which gives the perspective of each individual in an affair.. the betrayed spouse, the wayward spouse and the other partner. It's a great read and something I found incredibly helpful.

Your wife is unhappy and angry. The online relationship was an outlet, a symptom. You can't fix her, but you can listen. That means listening without talking, without interjecting, without ego. It's amazing what you hear when you simply listen. The more you listen, the greater your silence, the more she can say. It's a difficult thing to learn but reaps vast rewards. As she talks nod.. "I can see how you feel that way." (validation).. make encouraging noises. In these conversations it's not about you, it's about her.

Last but never least is caring for the children. They know when something is off and need the reassurance that their parents are there for them. Give them your time. Let them know you're not going anywhere. Be their dad.

Focus on you, how to improve for you and the rest will follow.

*hugs*

[BigJohn]

Thanks for the feedback thus far. I agree I need to back off and work on myself.

Yes, I thought about underlying anger and resentment on her part- that these are still factors several layers down from what is on the surface right now at the moment (apathy/indifference). I'm thinking that if we can get down to that layer (anger/resentment) somehow, we can work on forgiving each other as a way to start moving back from the edge of the cliff so to speak.

Got to go...will check in later. Thanks again!

[Phoenixdeux]

Been there, done that.

I'd suggest that if you haven't done so already, that you quit discussing your relationship. The waters are far to muddy with OM to even try to make heads or tails out of it. It probably goes without saying that you weren't the perfect husband, because it's impossible to be, just like it's impossible that she was the perfect wife (you might want to take off any rose-colored glasses you might have donned after discovery of the EA).

There are only a few things you can do, and they all involve YOU. Work on your faults without going over the top or making sure she notices. Look into some things outside the house that interest you, just to get a little space. Realize that she's the only one that can make the decision on whether she'll try with you or not, and she won't as long as OM is in the picture. I personally wouldn't believe her on the "I'm done" issue. You could confirm she isn't done with one of those keylogger programs. It won't help her to quit OM, and it won't bring her back to you, but if you see no success, it could help you to understand why not. I'd probably wait and see for a bit, but if she gets more aloof, I'd install it. But you have to know what you'd do with the information. Would you kick her to the curb?