Eclipse...

[love]

Has anybody else experienced anything like this in their sitch?

Yes, I have. And my guess is, it's not unusual. I've come home several times in the past year to this dilemma. I've been quite vigilant about noticing other things too. Such as, if it's night time - as in dark - and I've been gone all day long, there have been times when the T.V. had a glow to it, as if my spouse had been there, watching T.V.

It's not the twilight zone, and it's not you.

love

[Jimbo]

Well, looks like the Facebook thingie is in play again, but in a different way. (Or maybe the same way?)

FB sent me an email to my work addy telling me that 3 people recently invited me to be their friend - one of them being my friend from Hampton Roads - and soliciting me to sign up. 2 of the 3 people I recognise, 1 I do not.

Could be explained away, but the timing is awfully convenient.

[SoCo]

Hey Jimbo, what's the facebook thingie? I guess I missed it. Anyhoo, if it is her requesting to be your friend under a fake name, then that happened to me like two weeks ago. My lovely stbx sent me a message and a friend request under the fake name. It said something like, hey, nice shirt in that pic. I have seen it before. Really? WTF? You know the best part? the way I knew it was him is that he put down his REAL birthday. Hello, stupid much?? LOL

[Mach1]

So.....What exactly IS going on here ?







Give 'er more throttle cap'n !!!!!!

[Jimbo]

So.....What exactly IS going on here ?

....who the hell knows.

I get an email from the bank that holds my mortgage, telling me that the email info on our online account has been changed.

Time for contact with W.

I send her an email asking if it's her (as opposed to a hacker, which has happened to me before so I'm very wary of stuff like this), and asking for the new logon info. She writes back 7 minutes after reading my email, confirming that she was changing the contact info for our online mortgage account from her email over to my email address "since the emails have been coming to my (Ws) email". She also took the opportunity to tell me that she's also going to apply for car insurance on her own. (When I got my renewal paperwork a couple weeks ago, her name did not appear on the policy, yet the car she is driving did. Maybe she is driving without insurance and doesn't know it?)

I'm not sure what to make of her angle on this when she says "I still have the laptop with your account on it. If you would like it, let me know and I'll take my stuff off and give it to you." The laptop is one that she bought from work, and then decided that she was going to take with her when she moved out. "I also have found your high school and college diplomas. I believe my college diploma is still in the desk. Would you be open to me getting that, the pink blanket from the bed (it was my grandmother's) and [the cat's] cat tree in exchange for your stuff?"

WHY IS SHE EVEN ASKING? WHY NOT JUST COME IN AND F#*KING TAKE IT WHEN I'M NOT HOME LIKE YOU DO ANYWAY?

Does she think that I'm not going to give her her stuff without some sort of "exchange", as she puts it?

Or maybe giving me the laptop is supposed to ease her guilty conscience?

Then she closes her email with "Thanks. I hope you are doing well."

It's a remark like that that makes me second guess myself. If this is an MLC, she shouldn't give a rat's @$$ whether I'm doing well or not, right?

I am so tired. I am tired of second guessing myself. Tired of feeling like I'm getting on my feet emotionally, only to have something like this prove me wrong. I just don't want to see her. It hurts. I'm so tired of thinking about this. I'm tired of dreaming about her. I'm tired of living in fear and pain. Why can't I just f-ing move past this?

[love]

Hi Jimbo,

I see you visited my thread. Did you read it? Just wondering because it's all about forgiveness. Hurting is a good sign that we haven't yet been able to forgive. The hurting should come in smaller doses as we move along the forgiveness path. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Remember the big DB picture? When the WAS is nice to us, as in the "exchange," we should count it as a blessing and be nice in return. Even when they are not nice to us, we should still be nice to them. It's a sign that they are reaching out. If it's hard to be nice to her, that's a good indication that you haven't forgiven her, or yourself. God is always in control and if we believe wholeheartedly, he will always answer our prayers.

Who knows....maybe she's rethinking her stance? Count it as a blessing and stop cursing yourself. You are a blessing to her, and deep down inside, she knows it!

love

[fisherman]

I'm not sure what to make of her angle on this

I can't either, I don't think she has any angles. Angles make sense and are rational.

Does she think that I'm not going to give her her stuff without some sort of "exchange", as she puts it?

Very firmiliar with "terms" like these....very. For lack of a better word It's impersonal, or less close, more business like... hell I don't know what word to use to describe it, but I hear the same old blah blah blah too. Just words from someone who will do and say whatever to try to distance themselves and not feel and deal with what she needs to.

Then she closes her email with "Thanks. I hope you are doing well."

It's a remark like that that makes me second guess myself. If this is an MLC, she shouldn't give a rat's @$$ whether I'm doing well or not, right?

Jimbo?? C'mon now. Are you telling me one sentence in an email is going to cause you question all this. How many other signs are you forgetting right now? AND btw My mlc'er opens her emails with the EXACT same phrase often.

I am so tired. I am tired of second guessing myself. Tired of feeling like I'm getting on my feet emotionally, only to have something like this prove me wrong. I just don't want to see her. It hurts. I'm so tired of thinking about this. I'm tired of dreaming about her. I'm tired of living in fear and pain. Why can't I just f-ing move past this?

What's going on here?? Jimbo the journey is not unlike the mlc'ers in some ways. It's very cyclical. I have been having a rough way to go too lately. I noticed a patteren a while back and Mach called it too. Something needs to change, perspective, actions, whatever it may be something needs to change.

The pattern that seems to take place with me is, when I am down, questioning, confused or angry it means soon I"ll be moving ahead, working through my emotions or processing all of this. When you get through this and you will, you will be in a stronger, more peaceful place and the picture becomes even more clear.

I'm around if you want to talk.

[sofaraway]

Then she closes her email with "Thanks. I hope you are doing well."

It's a remark like that that makes me second guess myself. If this is an MLC, she shouldn't give a rat's @$$ whether I'm doing well or not, right?

This is like Sincerely or Regards at the end of an email for you....... Don't make anything of it, it's guilt lingo.

WHY IS SHE EVEN ASKING? WHY NOT JUST COME IN AND F#*KING TAKE IT WHEN I'M NOT HOME LIKE YOU DO ANYWAY?

Because maybe she is testing to see if you notice her coming in. She was trying to see if you would say something like, why not just take it when you are in my house........

I am so tired. I am tired of second guessing myself. Tired of feeling like I'm getting on my feet emotionally, only to have something like this prove me wrong. I just don't want to see her. It hurts. I'm so tired of thinking about this. I'm tired of dreaming about her. I'm tired of living in fear and pain. Why can't I just f-ing move past this?

Well, I understand why you are tired. We all get tired. Now you are the only one who can change this bud. You can't move past it because when you work on "getting on your feet emotionally" it does not mean ignoring your feelings and thoughts and hoping they just go away. It's not as simple as just hoping she doesn't contact you or you don't have to talk to her.

Jimbo, this contact wasn't as bad as you think. It's not always a puzzle that you have to piece together. Sometimes you just read and respond. You don't always have to analyze her every move, besides 99% of the time you will guess wrong......


Ian

[Jimbo]

Hi gang.

A part of my problem on Friday was that I was having a VERY stressful day, trying to refi my home as a part of the D process before the rates went so high that I'd be paying more than I am now. The absolute last thing I needed was contact from W. I am thankful for every last one of you, and all your support when I get like this.

Hi Jimbo,

>snip<

...Hurting is a good sign that we haven't yet been able to forgive.

Hi love- Having done the reading, I think I understand what my W is going through about as well as anyone could hope to that hasn't gone through it themselves. The trick was being able to integrate that understanding from my head into my heart. I believe that I have done this. Both these types of understanding have gone a great way towards me being able to forgive her. I do and have forgiven her. I couldn't begin to stand unless I had.

I think my hurting is more from fear and doubt than anything else. Over the years I have noticed a pattern with my W (which goes back to even before she and I met) where she will go through hobbies, jobs, relationships, etc., stay with them for a while, eventually decide that she is bored or dissatisfied with them, and then move on, never looking back. I am looking back at this history and, despite that she and I have been together as a couple for over 20 years, I fear that I and our M are the next in line to be disposed of, with the all too familiar byproduct of her never looking back.

I want to believe that I meant more to her than this, but the doubts and fear crowd in on me every day, and every contact that she reiterates that she has remembered more stuff that she needs to pick up from me, drives those doubts and fears in farther. I finally figured all of this out recently, and it's one of the reasons I'm so deathly afraid of the D.

Well, I understand why you are tired. We all get tired. Now you are the only one who can change this bud. You can't move past it because when you work on "getting on your feet emotionally" it does not mean ignoring your feelings and thoughts and hoping they just go away. It's not as simple as just hoping she doesn't contact you or you don't have to talk to her.

Thank you for this, Ian. This is exactly how I've been handling my thoughts and feelings. I can't ignore my feelings and thoughts hoping they go away, yet I can't constantly confront them either, because then I get to a point where I simply shut down and can't function, and I can't let myself go there. I'm sure meds have their place for others, but for me, they are a cop-out. I have to find a middle ground.

Jimbo, this contact wasn't as bad as you think. It's not always a puzzle that you have to piece together. Sometimes you just read and respond. You don't always have to analyze her every move, besides 99% of the time you will guess wrong......


Ian

This is the hardest thing for me because I am a problem-solver type of person. It's who I am. It's how I contribute to others, and define my usefulness in life. So here is a problem-solver that has a problem that deeply affects him and his life, and the life of someone he loves, yet it's not his place to solve it, and any attempts to solve it would be severely detrimental.

Welcome to my personal Hell.

What's going on here?? Jimbo the journey is not unlike the mlc'ers in some ways. It's very cyclical. I have been having a rough way to go too lately. I noticed a patteren a while back and Mach called it too. Something needs to change, perspective, actions, whatever it may be something needs to change.

You're right, T. It IS cyclical. I have been here before, and I need to find a way to deal without derailing every single time.

The pattern that seems to take place with me is, when I am down, questioning, confused or angry it means soon I"ll be moving ahead, working through my emotions or processing all of this.

I sure hope that's how this works for me, too!

When you get through this and you will, you will be in a stronger, more peaceful place and the picture becomes even more clear.

Those moments are getting longer and more often. I know that backslides are the nature of the beast. I just need to learn to balance.

[Jimbo]

Thread continued here -> The gloaming