d-day coming soon - help !

[WCW]

Sounds like you created a real sharp looking YOU and your place! that's so great! Doesn't it feel great?

One thing I hate doing is the weedeating. Just this morning I asked H if he would do it before a big event I have coming up next week. It hasn't been done all year yet, and he asked how many days he had left to do it and said he would. It's the ONE thing I will not do, stubborn of me I guess but it doesn't hurt anything if it does not get done and I have plenty other projects. Shouldn't H be responsible for something?

Sorry you've had to get rid of the livestock. It is so much extra work in the winter. I said that I would have to cut back too if H ever followed thru and left.

It could be an extra source of income if you can find anyone that would rent your pastures. They would maintain the fences too. Grass can be pretty scarce in some states!

[misshim]

Thanks, I already rent out some to my neighbor for his corn. I really don't have alot only 12 acres. I'm going to ask around to our neighbors. With prices down on calves alot of farmers are keeping their bull calves and raising them out. Maybe they would want to rent out my calf barn and small field. I don't mind feeding them, but the ice chipping in winter is no fun.

I took out a hand saw last night and finished cutting down some weeds (big as a small tree) weedeater wouldn't cut thru them so I hand sawed them off last night. I sweated something awful, but it felt good. My place is looking much nicer.

This weekend I'm going to tackle putting fieldstone around the base of my silo, fill with dirt and plant flowers (next year).

My D4 is in love with J.T. (johnny tractor - john deere book) and they plant a sunflower garden and she wants to plant sunflowers. The book is cute; J.T. (johnny tractor) & allie gator (john deere - gator utility) & corey combine (a john deere combine)

I'm sure you know about that equipment and maybe even the book. But it's cute.

I also got my utility wagon out of my grainery last night and cleaned it up a bit. I have to figure out how to unhook my large bagger from my lawn mower and then I can put wagon on the back so I can load up all my weed cuttings from last night. (ha)

Then I can load it up with stone and get ready for my silo project. I bet my XH will think I'm getting ready to sell the house. Good for him !! and he won't get a penny for my hard work. I will be seeing him again tonight when he drops off D4, I'm looking forward to her of course, just not him.

Have a good day

[WCW]

Ice chipping! good for the arms!
What do you use for watering? Last winter someone gave my H a solar waterer and we love it! They're expensive to buy but it really does work, might ice over a little if the sun doesn't shine but breaks up easy.

My only JD equipment is the lawn mower. We got to use a gator while H was injured but - the nerve of those people wanting it back!

It's great you're keeping busy and being physical, should help you sleep better too!

[misshim]

Yes, good for the arms, but so is drinking a beer or wine coolers?? J.K.

I saw the solar waterers but not in the budget. Hate to really get rid of our "baby" my d4 will be so bummed out. Maybe if someone rents the building for their own, we could at least have some little ones to go out and she could befriend.

[misshim]

I think I should be nicknamed - queen of weed control !! Did more yard work last night, pulled weeds my goat was just tickled. She didn't have to pull out of ground, she just ate what I pulled. Worth a laugh anyway.

XH dropped D4 off at usual time, she went runing over to me because I was on lawn mower. She loves to "drive" the lawn mower. XH didn't say anything to me and I didn't say anything to him. He slowly drove down the street as D4 and I were driving mower. That's what he used to do with her.

I'm feeling pretty good, but strange. Divorce was to be for August 1 (saturday). We didn't have to show up this time. I still don't know 100% for sure if it went thru. I checked the web site and shows case - open. I don't know how long it takes for them to get it entered into the system.

I'd call my lawyer but she charges too much. I just think that any day I'll get something in the mail.

Thoughts still pop into my head that maybe he'll come back someday. I just don't know right now how to treat him. I do feel angry and hurt with divorce done. I already miss texting with him. Even though it wasn't always the greatest but it was contact with him.

Should I just leave him alone? I don't text him at all, and he only texts me when he's on his way home with D4. I find that alittle funny. He has to have her home at a certain time, it's in the papers. He doesn't have to tell me he's on his way. I know he'll be there and I'm always at home by then. I used to answer him, now I don't. I could see if he would be hour late or ? but he lives with his parents and they are 8 minutes away from my house. Just a little strange.

I thought at one time he might be coming thru his issues. But then I realized he's only cycling around again. Pretty soon his "winter" depression will start. (usually october) He has suffered with that since I've known him. This year will be interesting for sure.

I almost wish he'd hit bottom so we might get a new chance at our life. After all of his lies I don't know how it will happen.

I know he's involved in some bad stuff right now. Got mixed up with 2 (not the greatest) guys from his work when he went on 1st shift last october. That was it, our R really went down hill after he met them.

I've never been in a strip club but I don't ever want to. That is my own decision. But we only have 1 other bar in our small town and then strip club came to town. My XH is now seen in the neighboring small town with the owner of the strip club.

I remember him "conducting" business on his cell phone a while back. D4 was being consoled from him after a nightmare. He went in her bedroom, his phone rang and I heard a 1 sided convo. over baby monitor. I know he's involved in either drug transport or pimping for this club owner. Just by what was said.

To some people it's not a big deal. But he was strictly a small time country man. Helped everyone out, stayed close to home, never went on trips. Very rarely if ever talked on his cell phone. Well his convo. was very odd to say the least. I could smell a rat for sure.

And yes, I still care about him and love him. But I also know that it is his life. He told me he gave up everything for me. but he would never tell me what "everything" was. The things he gave up was his heart and soul, and he didn't give that to me, he sold them to the devil.

Thanks for letting me ramble !!!!!!

[misshim]

Finally talked to xh yesterday alittle bit. XH is super angry at me because I took him off the car insurance. I reminded him that he wanted this divorce and it states that as of divorce date (august 1) that we are responsible for our own coverages.

He's mad that I didn't tell him that I was taking him off insurance. Maybe that was wrong of me not to tell him. But our whole marriage I had to take care of all insurance issues. I figured if he read his papers that he'd know to get his own. After all he hasn't lived there since last november and I really shouldn't have had him on insurance anyways because he wasn't living there.

I admit that I did want to get even (alittle) with him. He was supposed to get me cobra insurance information at our first court hearing but he never did. Then my L got it postponed until August 1,(to give him more time to get the info. to me) yet even though I asked him about the information, he still never provided it to me.

Kind of like our whole M, if I needed him to do something for me, he never followed thru with it.

I told him yesterday, thanks for getting me the health ins. information. He said "what are you worried about, you are still covered !" I said "negative, your policy specifically states that a divorce is a life changing event. Date of divorce, stops my health insurance." as usual he had no comment.

I discussed the fact that our D4 needs counseling. He states, after I get done paying for your L, I'll consider it. I was ticked. He wanted the D - I got a L to protect my house. I've paid her close to $6,000.00 (i think) He agreed with her to give her $1500.00. Poor baby.

I was upset. I told him our D4 should be our top priority, for her well being. Maybe he should cut down on his social life and save money so we can take her to the C. He spent $3000.00 in one month, and $4,000.00 next month - strip club, and partying when this whole mess started. He sold some cows and farm equipment, that's where he got his money from in the first place.

Even though I do miss him, I do feel alot more relaxed. He needs to grow up. I'm not sure how I should treat him. He wanted to come over for a couple beers the other night. I told him no, sorry I'm kind of busy tonight. He admitted to using me and not wanting our D4. Why the H*** would I want him there?? I admit I wanted him there before the divorce to try and save my marriage but he has really crushed my heart and I'm just tired of the lies and hurt. I think it's best that he just drops D4 off and leaves. I just can't be his "buddy" right now. It hurts too bad.

Am I wrong to have these feelings?? Will they pass? - who knows

Have a good day everyone

[Grace_O]

Hey misshim,

Wow sounds like you've had alot going on. Congrats on all the weed whacking. I got tired just reading about it, or maybe it was because I was thinking about all I have to do in my own yard.

I love that you were dressed nicely the day he came by. Doesn't matter what you're doing, it still helps how you see yourself.

The insurance just made me shake my head. The bs game playing was worse, but to give him the benefit of the doubt, he may have been thinking those things. Who knows. All of this is just sad.

I get what you're saying about being his "buddy" right now. You may reconcile that in your own mind or you may not. I still struggle with it.

I hope today is a good one for you.

HUGS

[misshim]

I find that my heart is changing alittle. The town people have been very nice to me since the divorce. They come up and wish me well. I don't say anything bad about my XH, he was born & raised in our town and I only came there 8 years ago.

Funny how I have heard some really crazy things about my XH. Even from his friends. My chin just drops because I was so shocked. Then when I get time to myself I reflect back to our beginning of the R and then M. He never, really showed me love. Foolish me !!!

I have had a few men ask me out. But I'm not ready for that, plus everyone knows everyone else in my town. These men know my XH very well. Guess I wouldn't really even trust these men to go out with (dinner), I almost feel like they'd report back to my XH.

I feel more sorry for him then ever. He's still spiraling down and gets into alot of trouble. The scary part in my heart is that I won't be there to help him and I don't think I want to be anymore.

I've been dressing up and going out more with friends. It's so fun to be able to talk to these people, men & women. I'm having alittle bit of fun. I even went out saturday night and we had so much fun. Laughing and carrying on that we all hung out till 7 am sunday am. But at my age, I paid the price. Got home, did chores, mowed the lawn so that was my day. Sure was tired but it was worth it.

Just to be able to talk to these people was so nice. My XH never would sit and talk to me. My guy friends are nicer to me. More than my xh ever was to me, even when were first married. And my female friends are always saying - why would you have ever married him in the first place, he was frumpy and was always at the bar.

Oh well, lesson learned. I'm going to enjoy my life now. Hard somedays but now I know that the Lord was watching over me during all of this. Alot of people say that they cant believe how brave I was thru all of this. I just say it wasn't because I was brave, it was because the lord was holding me up and saying -- Hang on !! it will be fine, either way.

Take care

[Grace_O]

When you find yourself looking back on your R and M be careful that you aren't re-writing some of it yourself. I'm not saying you won't notice things, just remember that his flaws were ok at some point. Doesn't mean they weren't real or that you may not choose some of those qualitites in the future.

I'm glad you've had the chance to get out and have some fun. It's always good for the heart and soul.

Sounds like you're doing ok all things considered. How's D4 been? Well, I hope.

HUGS

[misshim]

I'm not saying we were without issues in our marriage. I admitted to faults all along the way. But I never gave up on his depression that would come every fall and last till march, or april. And because I cared and loved him and tried to help him he lied and cheated and left me and divorced me. I don't get it.

My D4 has been fiesty and stressed out. She of course wants dad to stay to put her to bed or watch tv with her. I wont allow it, especially after all the hurtful things he has said to me about our D4. Maybe he said those nasty things about her out of anger (he says he lost his freedom because of her). But the way I see it whether depression or MLC, I won't allow him there anymore.

Actually, I have really moved on. I do what I have to do to get by. I will get rid of my anger in time. Alot of what he said to me thru this marriage keeps slapping me in the face. First week we were married I asked him - why did you marry me? Dumb question, but I was hoping for maybe a compliment like because I loved you or you were beautiful. No !!! He says, he was getting up in age (31) and I was the only one left in ******* (our town) that was single. He never jokes around, he was always very serious. I looked at him in the car and asked him if he was teasing me. He said since when do I ever kid around.

I was so hurt, and shocked. I told him that that comment really hurt me. That was the beginning of his usual retorts. He said nothing. I was hoping for -- I'm sorry, I was kidding. Or yea, I realized I shouldn't have married you. Something, anything.

So when I think back to this crap that I held out for. I've realized that he never really loved me.... ever. So as much as I did want to save my marriage. I am very glad it's over. I don't have near as much stress. I still hear about the bad stuff and people he's hanging with (goes to a nearby town because he knows he is doing wrong and doesn't want his "true" friends to see him do what he's doing.

I've learned alot from this experience with him. I'm soooooo glad that I don't really care what he's doing. He still lives at home and has them all turned against me. He is still bringing home d4 after 2 hours of him spending time with her. (that amounts to taking her back home and his mother takes care of our D4) He doesn't play with D4, his mother does. He's too busy texting or talking on his phone or getting ready to go out after he drops D4 off.

I'm done with him, and it's time to move on.

Take care I wouldn't have made it thru all of this without your help. I also hope that your Sitch gets better for you.