Desperate for direction

[Doingitright]

So here is a quick and dirty of where I am and need some pointers to move this stalemate somehow:

The sitch started with …W said not attracted to me any longer. And didn’t love me. Found out W had emotional affair as far as I know and W admitted to it and said it is done and not worth throwing her family away. I said I wanted a divorce and W begged for us not to do it for the kids sake. W said we should go to counseling and try and fix the marriage. W said she wanted to get a career to contribute to the family named two things which were completely out of left field for her. Since that conversation nothing has been discussed or done as far as I know on that subject. W has a small business that brings in some $. But W has now come to the revelation, after 4 to 5 years of building up clientèle, that she does not enjoy it so she no longer wants it. . W has withdrawn from most of her circle (our circle) of very closest friends and neighbors. We used to do things every weekend with one family or another. This withdrawn sitch is to a point of asking me to do things so she does not have to see the friends at the school bus stop. She seems to have replaced them with corresponding with her old high school friends from back home. And trying to see them over a weekend here or there while I watch the kids several states away.
Recent developments "last 18 days"…. W loves me very deeply but is still not attracted to me. We are going to counseling but it has only been 2 sessions so far which seem like months pass in between each session which is weekly.
We have been in a no intimate situation since January. We have 2 little K’s. We sleep in the same bed. We now kiss good night, good by and hello (just pecks on the lips no passion or wet sloppy ones). There are no longer arguments, yelling or heated debates. We have so little together we don’t even get mad or upset with each other. Read the DR as recommended by DB counselor. No begging or pleading or discussions about our relationship or lack thereof, unless it is at the counselors office. I have withheld the ILY’s and she gets annoyed and called me on it. So we now say ILY’s on most call endings and good byes and she was the leader in that. We are not hostile to one another but every time we bump or touch we say sorry or apologize. I have done 180’s and all sorts of things but we still come back to no one home when it comes to us. She asks about summer vacations and planning things in the future but when it comes time to plan it she is absent. No help, no thoughts she just wants is done for her. This has happened with a lot of things around the house and in our lives lately. Seems like she just dropped everything and hoped someone would pick it up and run with it. Because of the kids I picked it up. She has told only 2 people a limited story on our sitch, she said they are the only ones, that we are going to counseling for a rough patch. This is also so very unlike her as she spent every waking moment walking, running, lunching, and all other daily things with this group of women/families during the day when the kids are in school. The area pools are opening in two weeks and she is usually the first one to get passes and this year nothing. W and kids and other families spent every day at the pool for two straight months every summer. For W this is all very erratic behavior.

So here is the question part…I know it takes a long time to turn the boat around but what am I dealing with here? It seems like just an EAF but then it seems like an MLC.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

In my opinion, you are dealing with an affair, I'm sorry to say. It has all of the signs -- esp. the lack of intimacy with you and the pulling away from her normal circle of friends.

Puppy

[Doingitright]

Don t disagree Other person is married with children and 900 + miles away.

[aliveandkicking]

Not sure. I was depressed and apparently my H was convinced I was having an affair. But, I've never had any history like that so, not sure. In my marriage, I felt that everything else came before me and that we were not handling essentials (finances, organization, communication etc). I really gave up in many ways and had zero interest in sex. Now that he's gone, I miss him, love him and wish we had both been more awake.

But, other people might get your sitch better.

[dburt]

Sounds more like clinical depression, has she seen a doctor recently, have you spoken to your councilor?

Burt

[Doingitright]

Thanks. It is like watching paint dry. You sit there day after day hoping and waiting; for something to happen, a spark a glimmer or your next counseling session. We did counseling individually in March and it was a disaster. First thing therapist said was if there were no kids would you be married right now. It sent the train crashing and the next 3 weeks were living hell. Found out about the emotional affair after confronting her several times prior only to be told I was being abusive by accusing her of an affair. I said I wanted a D and thats when some things turned around. To go to marriage counseling to fix our problems and not find out how we arrived at our problems like the first therapist did. The counseling was at her request. I just don't know what end is up any more and what is true and what is false. I am not a very good actor so we have had family visiting or us visiting them for 3 of the last 4 weekends and 1 whole week. All her family. just rambling at this point, sorry.

[Doingitright]

first DR said she need to see someone and she said I was the one with the depression and need to see a therapist and did nothing. I have a call into my counselor to speak privately about the situation as all details have not been divulged to him, just summary form thus far. The last week has been a roller coaster with her mom visiting. Now she is gone so it will be a very long night.

[mulesqb]

Hey 62906 - I'm with Puppy - be very careful here. She was filling a need with the EA. In her mind something is missing from her life and your M. If she is getting something out of the EA that she is not getting at home it's only a matter of time until she wants to feel physically connected to someone. EAs can go on for a while before they turn to PA. And they don't necessarily have to be with the same person.

Look in the mirror. What is she missing at home that she could be getting from the EA?? We need more info about your history and communication with your W.

The check out with the kids scares the he!! out of me. See my sitch for clarity. Once they decide it is all about them and put themselves in front of the kids...well let's just say that is not a good sign. Doesn't matter whether it's MLC, depression or whatever...she is seeking something outside the family.

[Doingitright]

Thanks. So here is the dilemma...How do you do a 180 on giving / showing affection and attention to someone *A* who says they are not attracted to you *B* you are withholding ILYs?
She is now slipping deeper into a funk as the anniversary of her father’s passing is very close. She shared last night that was making her very sad for the last week or more. And that it is more sad than it has been for the last 2 years. I am struggling to find which things are working and which are not. Once something works what do you do? Example withhold ILY’s then see the turn around by W who now wants us to share the ILY’s from then on. Do you do it or do you continue to withhold ILY’s. I kept withholding and now she stopped saying it to. It is all just so confusing. I try to focus on my goals but the problem is once you see that goal achieved how do you maintain it (like the ILY’s) Sorry I keep referencing ILY’s but it is very real for me and the simplest example I can come up with. I feel like the marriage is salvageable, counselor says it is, wife thinks it is but says she still has to overcome the “no attraction” thing. I practice what I read (DR) and it seems more often than not to push her away even further. I must be going about it all wrong.

[mulesqb]

Hey 6-understand that DB are general techniques used to sometimes awaken a wayward spouse. But in the long run-DBing is about you becoming a better person.

Right now-your wife says you are not attractive to her. She may or may not change her mind. How do you feel about yourself? Are the changes to you that you would like to make? Right now your self esteem is probably at an all-time low. The woman you thought you would spend the rest of your life with has hit you with some pretty hard stuff. Start building your self esteem back your way. Make sure you feel good about yourself. Do things that you have put off. Get some new clothes, haircut, workout, new cologne. Whatever it takes for you to have self confidence. If you are confident, she will see it.

As far as ILYs-be true to yourself. The term thrown around here is to lovingly detach. You have to be careful though because your wife hasn't full detached from you. Personally, I think a few well-timed ILYs can't hurt. But you can't overdo it. She has to feel at one point like she is losing you if she will ever come back. Otherwise she will continue to dance. There are some sary similarities here to my sitch, especially early on. If you get a chance-read up. I got some great advice-but didn't always take it.

Strength and Honor.