S12 had a track meet tonight. H made it back for that. We had some of the boys/girls over afterward's (last one of the season). Kids played, mom's had wine, H goofed off with both kids and mom's.
After he left to go back out of town, I txt'd him and asked him if he would consider marriage counseling now. I told him I have tried everything in my power to make this marriage work (without help), and feel like he really likes me, even loves me, but we're growing further apart intimately, and it's affecting us seriously. We were once very close, and I've made the necessary changes that bothered him (and me, now!). If there is truly no one else, then will you please try?
He didn't reply for 16 minutes so I called him. He called me back. Phone was in the car, as he had run in gas station. He "says" he didn't read txt's. So, I told him the gist of the txt's were a request for him to consider marriage counseling. He basically told me that they cannot change feelings, and that I had gone to a counselor, and where did it get me? I told him that marriage counseling didn't appear to be real helpful when only one in the marriage was willing to work on it. And, I didn't really like the guy. He never said he would go. He never said he wouldn't go. He just said, "Your girlfriends come over, you have some wine, and you get all... W.... again..." I told him it had nothing to do with them, or one glass of wine. It had everything to do with being broken and hurt. He then told me he didn't really want to have this conversation when he had only had a few hours sleep.
He then acted like the conversation never took place. Asked what the kids were doing, what tomorrow's plans were. I was sobbing (H couldn't hear me.) and didn't reply much. He said, "why don't you get some sleep?" I said. Ok, goodbye.
I just can't take the heartache anymore. Everyone says I sound like things are going good, better, etc... It's not if what makes this man my H is not there anymore. I'm sorry.
He is truly in this house for the kids. Nothing has changed. Nothing has improved. He really doesn't care how hurt I am. I can tell. He just doesn't want to not see his kids, and doesn't want to break up the family. He doesn't mind leaving me with an emotional hole in my heart though. I'm truly wrecked.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
He basically told me that they cannot change feelings
Your H is off his rocker. Of course feelings can change. They change all the time. He just doesn't want them to change.
*Ugh* It frustrates me to see such good, lovable, people being left behind by our Sps. We want so badly to make things work; to love them unconditionally; to make ammends and rebuild our Ms, and this is the kind of crap that we get told. "It's too late", "ILYBNILWY", "I don't want to have this conversation".
Grr. I'm sorry MB, but it makes me mad sometimes. I wish I could just take my 'splainin stick and have a few minutes with your H, and my W, and all the WAS of everyone here and make them see some reason...
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
It's funny... the further into this "process of ILYBNILWY" we get, the more he withdraws from anyone he was really a friend of. Odd. He's everyone's "favorite," fun, silly, joking a lot... I'm the only one close to him right now (that I know of...). Don't get me wrong, he's friendly, just not close to anyone.
I'm going to try my best to just back off. We have some key events in our lives coming up within the next month (D17 on prom court this weekend, with the kids at our house for post prom, S12 6th grade graduation/bon fire at our house, D17 high school graduation, D17 graduation party, finalizing D17 college stuff, etc...) and I don't want to cause any kind of blow up, etc... I'm just going to try back WAY off. I'm giving him what he needs in a friend, but I'm not getting heartache in return.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
MB. Just because your H won't go, doesn't mean you should not. In fact, I think you should go to a MC as soon as possible. Even if it is alone.
Don't believe what he said. He told you he did not want to talk about it when he was tired. Ok. Believe him. It is not what you want, but it is where he's at.
You cannot make him go. I can't make my W do anything either. No matter what though, we have to do what's right for us. That's part of what this journey is about, no?
Go to the MC alone if you have to. Don't wait. Ask your friends to recommend a good one and you'll be glad you went even if the MC sends you to IC. Keep looking until you find a good one.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ - I went one time. It's hard. I can't find the words when I get there. I don't have any friends that really know about this. Again, I can't find the words. I am willing to go on my own; just need to find one I'm comfortable with.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
AJ - Also, there is NEVER a good time to talk to him. Trust me. He talks NON-STOP, but won't SPEAK about anything important between us! "I have nothing to say." If I waited for it to be the right time, I'd be dead.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
that's right..I still follow along..I have to see how all this plays out..
I'll say this..you've had some of the best "old timers" walking this path with you but you continue to go off all "lone ranger"
I guess I wonder why hit him up for MC now?? By TEXT....good lord..lets see...sounds like he came back home for the events..had a resonably good time...left...and you TEXT him about MC?? Wow, imagine him driving down the road..thinking he just left a good time..and maybe even having some good thoughts about home...(he has been drawn a bit closer lately, right?) You even threw out there that "if there is noone else" then will he at least try??
and you wonder why he did not text you back for 16 minutes?? Then you called him....
I'll bet you he read the text...I'll bet you he purposely did not answer you back...and I'll bet he felt pressured..and I bet he felt nagged..
Hopefully soon..the light switch will be "flipped" for you and you will get this....
I'll say again...you better detach..you better GAL...before it's too late..
I'm sorry you feel so down! I have these moments still every once in a while, but you HAVE to learn how to deal with it by yourself or a friend, or us over here. Anybody, but NOT your H! Get through the dips and boost your PMA whichever way you can and concentrate on having a good time!
The fact that your H seems so disconnected from friends and stuff really confirms the MLC aspect of his attitude. You will NEVER be able to lift him out of that. He will have to do that on his own.
Originally Posted By: mindblank
I don't have any friends that really know about this.
I was a little surprised about this. It seemed to me from your posts that you had a lot of friends that you confided in. If I misunderstood, then I would suggest you start. It was when I started talking to others about the sitch instead of masking it, that I really started to be able to detach and have peace with myself. Knowing I had worked on myself a lot already and was on the way to becoming the person I wanted to be.
I would venture to bet that the best time to be as detached as you can be is right AFTER he's had a good time with you. Of course that's also the hardest time to be detached (it is for me). I've noticed in my own sitch that it helps. I've called it a "hit and run" sort of behavior. You have a GREAT time together, then you immediately go back to being busy and detached. Let him contact you. Let him think about what he's (considering) walking away from.
I read once that it takes 20 pleasant interactions with your spouse to make up for a bad one. I really think there's truth in that! Think about that when you are thinking about bringing up R talk. Every time you bring up the R, it sets you back. When my W moved out, I was against it (of course!), but after a week I told her that maybe it would be good for us because it would limit the bad interactions and allow us to have only good ones.
You have proven that you can be detached, now keep it up. You can do it. Go back to what you were doing over the past couple of weeks. Having fun, moving forward with life (you noticed I did NOT say moving ON with life) and letting him have a glimpse of how life could be with you. Fun, entertaining, fulfilling, and enjoyable!
