Hi, I just moved here from separated. We have been separated since July and plan to reunite in Aug. We had a whirlwind romance, moved in together 6 months later only to separate when I realized he had drinking problem. He supposedly got control over it and we went to MC before moving back and getting married one year later.
One and a half years later I had had enough and we separated. I thought it was end for good. He had a bad history with R so I didn't expect that he would feel different about me. He continued to pursue me while still drinking. I refused to reengage with him while he was still drinking. I found this site at Christmas time and it helped me to think clearly and set goals for the M.
AT the end of Jan. he had an awakening that convinced him to stop drinking for good. He has 90+ days, attends meetings, has joined a church, and goes to therapy. Once the drinking had stopped we had other issues to deal with. We were polarized until three weeks ago when he had another breakthrough in his therapy. I have two children who are finishing HS and college.
Got cut off - to continue -main issue beside the drinking was H not being adaptable to living with others. So when the drinking stopped he initially wanted to stay separated until the kids moved out. AT the time he wanted me to have the kids move in with their father. I didn't feel good about doing that so we were still not together. Three weeks ago H called to say that he was realized he was wrong, the kids and I needed to be together and since he wanted to be with me - he was going to work it out to come home and be more accepting of the situation.
As it turns out - D got a scholarship to live at school and S dropped out of college and is working. S plans to move out on his own. So far everything is working out.
I am here in piecing because I still have "trust" issues, and feel we need to rebuild our R from the ground up. My biggest fears are that he will start drinking again and stop the meetings, church and therapy after he moves back in. His concern is that we had had a strong loving connection before - and he still feels the same - I am distant. He understands that I need time to see and hear that things will be different.
H didn't even make to the move and he has flaked out on me again. What to do? He has left me at the gate again - I know this site is about saving a marriage but I don't think there is anything to save at this point. How am I supposed to build any trust when he can't stop leaving me when things don't go his way.
I'm sorry that your H has once again "flaked" on you. Perhaps you'll find that this is all part of "the process"? .. Things moving in an up AND down direction, until you both get "there"?
I haven't been on much lately so wasn't here to respond sooner.
Am hoping that things may be going better for you and that your H is seeing things clearer now.
Take a lot of deep breaths now .. AND take one day at a time ..
Take care, rustie
Just saw that you posted on my thread. (Hadn't seen that before.) Happy Mother's Day to you too!! Hope you're having a peaceful day.
The rest of the week H gained some understanding and apologized. Like someone else noted, he is pursuing a lot and working hard.
Good things are: talking through things better, arguing less, arguments are shorter, reason takes more while feelings less. He is having more awareness and beginning to see other person's view. Also letting go of ideas that don't work.
Coming back to working on rebuilding R. Find I need a lot of support at times to learn to respond differently when old behavior comes back. In my sitch, old behavior is not defined as drinking but behavior spawned by old thinking i.e., getting angry and walking away at the most inopportune times, rehashing issues without moving to resolve them, lacking patience and understanding, insensitivity to my needs. These things don't always come up but when they do, I have a hard time not rehashing old emotions esp ones that say, he will never change and things will not get better.
Could use advice from others who have been through this stage of reconciling? I know my sitch is different from most here but this site got us to this point with a lot of specific feedback so I am counting on those who have gone on before me to take a look back and pull someone up with them.
Today was ok, H is talking about moving back in, he is working on rebalancing his new lifestyle. The constant going to work, attending meetings daily, and on weekends running back and forth between his place and mine and meetings led up to our arguing last weekend, and his walking out. Almost same stuff different day, what was different, he didn't drink, he kept checking in on me and trying to talk it out, didn't once suggest we quit.
I think I was the one who had second thoughts. There are just some things we don't agree on and at times it troubles both of us. In addition, I can't be sure that he won't resort to drinking. He's working on rebalancing his lifestyle, and incorporating what he is learning. I am still looking for that wonderful life I expected when we first got M - maybe next lifetime.
Trust and rebuilding... it still makes me nervous. When does it end or how do we get there? How will I know we are there or not? Kind of distracted and unfocused tonight. It's three months away and things are ok, why am I so nervous already. Will this go away?
Hi Kassie. I know what you are talking about with old habits. I think that realizing that you are doing it is a big step. I can almost see myself starting to do the things that I know caused problems before. I am able to stop myself sometimes. Hopefully often enough!
H and I are looking at reevaluating out sitch in september, and I am extremely nervous. I think that this time is really going to be our friend though. I am reading all of MWD's books again, really trying to glean as much as I can.
I am in a similar sitch, but will support you however I can, unfortunately I am seeking advice myself, so I may not have much to offer in that department.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
