Hey gang, it's been awhile since I last posted. I've been chugging along post-divorce for a while now. No expectation other than to get on with living and life. Of course there have been a few bumps and question marks along the way. A big one of course was some odd mixed signals from my ex. I finally decided they were nothing more than her attempts at keeping a cordial relationship with me. She hasn't made any proactive attempts to do anything more than that and it appears to have been fueled by me when I confronted her about communication and parenting.
So, I've been chugging along with no expectations that we'll be back together. In fact I have continued to move on with my life. That means dating of course. In January I ended a 6 month relationship, a bit tough to do but in the end it was a close fit but not a good fit.
I now find myself in another relationship that, I honestly feel, has a great deal of potential. She meets almost every thing I have identified in what I want in a partner. Its of course very early but it clearly has strong potential.
Now here's my struggle, it was pretty unexpected too. I get a real sense of guilt over finding a positive relationship that has such great potential. More to the point, I get a real guilty feeling about how this isn't "how it's supposed to be." This has a lot to do with how establishing a new relationship impacts my daughters. No, they haven't met her yet and won't for a good while. In fact, I do not believe they have any suspicions about it.
This guilt was really unexpected and is new territory for me. (Boy haven't we all covered some emotional territory we never expected!) I'm not sure how to work through it and would love to hear about how others have dealt with it.
Right now I am working on telling myself that it is ok for me to be happy again. It's ok for me to be in a positive relationship. At some point I will have a relationship that grows into more. It's all OK. But man its not as easy as that is it? (Don't worry I'm not beating myself up badly over this and am not dwelling on it but it is an unexpected emotion I have encountered.)
Thanks gang!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
you had a 6mth R before? boy I didnt know that, you loverboy, lol
Well, are you feeling guilty cause you feel you shouldn't be with someone else? I'm not dating yet, wont' get into that for a little while more, so I dont' have any inside info. You are not in a A with a M person, so other than that I dont' see a reason to feel guilty, but as you say, I guess it's a whole new game to deal with the new feelings dating brings (I'm sure not looking forward to it)
At some point, I pray you love like you've never been hurt and are able to give gladly from the heart, wish you the best catfan)))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
The ink on my divorce hasn't dried, I went on one date and ran away like the wind. What I've learned so far is.. *drum roll*
I know what I'm not seeking in a future relationship.
I know to listen to my inner voice and my bull$hit meter (which I disregarded in my marriage)
Transitional relationships ease the pain of divorce but usually get wobbly once you start getting healthy and more confident.
Love is like the facets on a diamond. I will never know the kind I felt with my spouse, but that's fine. Each is unique, bringing out different aspects of me as an individual. For example, every child brought into this world is special, with their own qualities. Why would I want the same relationship over and over, especially when the previous one failed.
With divorce comes baggage.. the hurt, loss of trust and lack of confidence. Yet also comes growth, awareness of what is and isn't acceptable and knowing to continually work on a relationship even if it means speaking up, setting boundaries, respecting yourself in a way you never imagined.
If you are questioning this new relationship, be aware of the red flag which unsettles you. Over time the consistency of behavior and morals, the actions one both sides speak louder than words. Learn to trust, allow yourself to trust within your boundaries.
Welcome back. Gypsy has some great advice. Everyone has stuff. Some of us have an overnight valise, while others carry a stevadore of baggage. Time is great for seeing how big one's "luggage" is. Take your time with all of this. It will sort itself out as the "fog of war" clears.
Hey gang, I hear ya and trust me I've covered an enormous amount of ground in 2.5 years. As a LBS who was very much "in love" and "loved" his wife I have had to cover a lot of emotional ground.
Do I have an idea of what I want in a future relationship and a future partner? Yes I do and in fact about a year ago I wrote it down and keep it in my wallet. Periodically, I review that list to make sure it is still relevant and current. It really hasn't changed much at all.
So back to my question, it has to do with feeling a sense of guilt when it comes to the kids and the future not being that ideal family. Its like I sometimes feel I have failed them and am shortchanging them. Weird because divorce wasn't my idea. This was really an unexpected feeling and I am trying to work on it.
As for dating, its been fun, its been challenging, its been eye opening and I have been enjoying the positive aspects of it. Hey guys it is ok to look. Shoot you can even touch too. LOL! (Sorry bad guy humor there.)
I guess I need to think back to something D11 said, "Daddy, I just want you to be happy." I do really believe she means it no matter who it means I am with. As for D12, I think she's the one that is struggling with the divorce still. She's mentioned in the no so distant past that she wished our family was whole again. Ugh!
So, to address the elephant in the room then. Would I let my ex-wife back into my life? Assuming she'd made changes that I could see, yes I would. Why, well first we were in love and loved each other for a very long time, hard to forget that. Then there's never been the seriously negative drama that so many people experience, no hateful words or actions. We've maintained a good relationship with one another and the bottom line is she got "lost" and needed to find herself again. My heart went out to her about that, it was a bad place to be and I am certain the hurt, tears and pain weren't any easier than mine. I was a bit lost too and found myself. I do believe there has been a lot of healing done by both of us that's taken us back to those great people we were before the stress of jobs, finances, family, other's expectations of us, etc became to much to bear.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
A bit of an update. We continue this little "dance". Last Sunday after our weekly family dinner and kid transfer I brought up the two of us going to dinner. She replied immediately "yes" then backtracked a bit as we discussed possible details. So at that time I left it be realizing she needed some room after accepting so quickly. Several days later via email we finalized the details.
Tonight we had that dinner at a french brasserie. It was a great meal and we both chatted away about work, kids, books we are reading and things we have going on. She even suggested we share a dessert. After dinner we went over to REI and did a bit of shopping. Shopping together was surprisingly like old times. Me helping her find clothes, offering advice and she choosing the things I find that she hadn't noticed. This was something she used to love me doing for her and I did it tonight without even thinking.
From there we went back to her house(our old house) and sat on the sofa chatting for a few minutes. I've felt all along that she was expecting me to lead a little in this "dance". So I said that I enjoyed our evening. To which she replied with a smile, I did too. I then said it felt like we are getting to know each other again and it was nice. Again she agreed with a bit of a smile. From there I left it alone but can't recall exactly who started or how we briefly discussed getting together again. But the feeling was we both have enjoyed these times and would like to continue.
So there, that's the dance we now dance. I do look forward to our next evening or event together and I do believe she does too. Where it all goes I haven't a clue. Like I said before, right now I am just enjoying the moment without expecting anything further. Sure I'd like something further but for now I'll just enjoy the moment we had.
Oh something to tell, there was a woman in the restaurant that during our separation she seemed to always gossip about us. We both disliked it greatly and lost a great deal of respect for her. The ex didn't see her but I did and I'll get a kick out of the gossip she'll start now.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Well this situation sure does make for a head scratcher sometimes. We were supposed to go see a movie one day two weeks ago but that never happened even after the ex said she definitely wanted to go. Whatever. Then last Sunday when I dropped the girls off she asked me, in front of the girls mind you, if I'd like them to take me to dinner for Father's Day. I thought for a second and said sure but not sure what to make of it. Well I figured I would have to pick a place to go and even drive. No big deal, sounded like I was getting a good meal out of it that I wouldn't have to pay for.
Sunday arrives, the ex and girls all nicely dressed. Me in shorts and a tee shirt, I had decided I wanted to go to my favorite pizza parlor. I complimented them all on their dress and said it looks like I should change. The ex just asked that I put on a shirt with a collar. I changed into more appropriate attire and got a compliment too. The three of them had talked about it several times during the week and agreed to go to my, actually everyone's, favorite seafood restaurant. Its a bit more upscale with exceptionally fresh seafood.
Dinner was great and we all chatted and laughed away. Late in the meal I noticed something. The ring the ex had been wearing on her right hand was now on her left ring finger. That makes twice when we've been out she's moved a ring over. I don't think she knows I noticed but I did. That's the head scratcher for me, why move the ring? Who knows and I am not spending time worrying about it.
Now for head scratcher #2. This Friday I have to be at a conference near our vacation house. The ex had agreed to take the girls Th night and keep them Friday then I would get them back Fri night. Without thinking, last week I suggested she just bring them to the vacation house, spend the day with them and if she wanted, spend the weekend too. (What was I thinking, oh I wasn't.) So what did she tell me on Sunday evening, again in front of the girls, that she would join us Th evening at the vacation house then head back some time Saturday afternoon. She'll cook dinner Friday night and oh by the way, her best friend and her husband will join us Friday night. The one friend I suspect was pushing her hard back in early 2007 right after we split to not even think about reconciliation. Only later to say how much of a great dad and decent guy I was.
Well what ever is happening, its happening and I am not analyzing it. I couple of times I have scratched my head though. No matter, I keep soldiering along with my life without expectations from or about her or us. If she is indeed thinking, considering, exploring ever so slightly, OK she can and at her pace. For me, I'll just keep worrying about me, the girls and being the best Dad I can be.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I'll try not to scratch in one spot too long, I'd like to keep the hair on my head and off my back.
Here's the update from the vacation house trip. The ex arrived Th about midnight. Before she left she called me to let me know she and her best friend were on there way. They arrived a bit after midnight. I had already gone to bed but was still awake. The ex's dog came bounding in, saw me in bed and really got excited. So I let the dog stay with me in my room, man I love that silly dog and she gets so excited when she sees me, I love it.
I went to my conference Friday, which was a bust. As I left to head back I texted her I was on my way. She replied and a short chit-chat text conversation happened. Nothing important just chit chat. As I got closer to the house the ex called me to tell me not to panic because of all the emergency vehicles around the house. They were all ok, the house across the street had been struck by lightning. This was on par for her actions all day, wishing me well when I left in the am, texting me that she hoped all was going well, texting me about going shopping...You would have thought we were happily married.
I got to the house and was greeted with big smiles for her and the girls. She was in the process of making a great seafood dinner. Her high school friend and her husband arrived not long after. For the first 10 minutes HS friend wouldn't even look at me or acknowledge me. When she came in the door she walked right past me without saying a word. Whatever. We all sat for dinner, us, the HS Friend, the best friend and her H plus the kids, 11 in all, 6 adults 5 kids. Ex's Best Friend and H took their kids and went back to their house after dinner. Ex, HS Friend, HSF husband and I sat and chatted. By this time HS friend was chatting my ear off while she helped me clean the dinner dishes. We 4 sat chatting away until 10 when they left. Ex's HS Friend gave me a big hug said she was so glad to get to see me (I do believe it was sincere.) From there we retired to our bedrooms. The dog came with me. (Boy I really did miss my ex in bed next to me though.)
This morning I halfway expected the ex to get up and bolt on home. Nope, a bit of a surprise, she hung around and went to the beach with us. Invited me to sit with her and we sat quietly for extended periods, chatted, swam and even went surfing a little.
Early afternoon the ex left, I helped her get stuff in her car. As she was about to depart I said it had been a pleasure, a real enjoyable day. Her reply, yes it has, we should do it again. (I hid my surprise to that comment.)
Again, I don't know where this is going but for now, I'll just enjoy the moment, not analyze it and have no expectations. I can't help but have hope, who couldn't but I'll temper that too. For now at least, a good couple of days that go into good days pages of the memory book.
I'll repeat my ending of my last post.... Well what ever is happening, its happening and I am not analyzing it. I couple of times I have scratched my head though. No matter, I keep soldiering along with my life without expectations from or about her or us. If she is indeed thinking, considering, exploring ever so slightly, OK she can and at her pace. For me, I'll just keep worrying about me, the girls and being the best Dad I can be.
Now off to watch Inkheart with my girls.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
