ok, I guess I could go into very fine details but I would write a book and it could sound like I was bashing my wife (which I dont do and I ususally compliment her)
I guess I could say it got to a point where I noticed a big problem just befor last fall.. my wife did some bad things at a job by stealing money and got caught this was a large amount that to this day i have no idea where it all went only portions of it.
I did have my ideas and asked her befor she got caught how she had extra money to buy things when we were on a tight budget (she took this and said I was controling)
since this situation happened to us several things cam out over the last winter such as hidden credit cards, checking account and so on.
I was shocked at what she had done but I only yelled at her when I found the hidden CC and checking but I had let it go and tried to work on us. in the mean time she became more and more distant
and she seems to lie more and more. it got to the point where I could not drop some issues and things that just did not add up I was starting to think there was another guy she was seeing. she started going out later and later.
friends would see her at the bars and would tell me she was not doing anything but she was dressing like she was looking for someone else.
then the night of my sons birthday party she came home and said she was going out with her girlfriend
a week later i was talking to this friend of hers and she was complaining how she never sees my wife anymore! I said she was just with you the night of my sons party- she then told me no she was not with me, I confronted my wife and she kept lieing and saying she was then she claimed she was with her little sister and stuck to that even though her family said her sister never went out with her that night. I dont know what to do is there another guy? she says i cant drop things(ie this being one of them) and she moved out. and told me several times to file for a divorce.. even two days later
now things are really bad but she still calls me and kisses me on her own and tells me on her own she loves me! she says she needs space and time to decide what she wants, she said I was smothering her. all the sighns are there that she was seeing someone she did not want me to know about. but she has gained alot of weight and complaines how unattractive she is which might just be the opposite of what I hear people who cheat do.
I called her at first but lately i backed way off and rarely contact her. infact she contacts me and gets upset if I dont text her he phone back right away or if I miss the call and or the phone goes right to voicemail (poor signal or just flukes in the phone)
she even texted me saying im ignoring her and she feels like she is loosing me from her life and does not want that! she just needs time and wants to be happy.
we even went to a consoler and she told the consoler I dont listen to her, I am controling and i need to know where she is all the time.
I guess Im just lost!!!! what is going on? how do I handle this? she is all over the place. im fustrated I want my wife back! i dont know what end is up anymore. I just get all sorts of mixed signals from her its like she has two differant people inside of her
Sorry to hear about your sitch, wl2009. You are in the right place to get some advice and consolation. Keep posting here and reading other threads around here because a lot of people (myself included) are in similar circumstances. Don't be discouraged if you don't get a lot of comments, especially on the weekends. Also, feel free to just journal your daily activities on your thread; it helps keep it bumped.
Ok, first things first. Have you read either DB or DR yet? I recommend DR if you have to choose one: it is the more recent book. If you haven't, then that is your first assignment.
As far as your W is concerned, it sounds like she is having an A. How you approach that situation is a subject of some debate. DBing practice is usually to just improve yourself and let the wayward Sp see what they are missing. In theory, they eventually come back when the lustre and shineyness of the A has run it's course. Another school of thought is to bust up the A by exposing it. Because As thrive in secrecy, once they are exposed they usually die quickly. You can check out some threads in the infidelity forums for some additional stories and help for how to deal with the situation.
As for you: you need to start detaching. It sounds like your W is very controlling with her expectations that you call and return texts and such. It sounds like she has some control and dependency issues to work through. You can facilitate this by detaching and working on yourself. Get a Life (GAL) that doesn't involve her, and focus on being a better father for your kids. they need stability right now, so they need to be your first priority.
Keep posting here, read DR and post in some threads here where you think it appropriate. Good luck to you!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
I had been reading the DB but I guess Im still not sure about everything im doing. and how do i expose the A? she has stuck to her guns that there is no one else and she has never cheated... I have no proof just spec. but im just lost on what to do..
she wanted to have dinner again as a family but this time we are going to meet at a place and eat then she will take my son back to her place
WL, What DB practices have you implemented? In order to judge their efficacy, you need to have some concrete actions that you've implemented. What are you doing to detach? Make a plan, execute the plan, and then judge the outcome. If it is working and moving you in the right direction, keep it up. If it isn't working, adjust and judge again. DBing isn't an exact science, so what works for one won't necessarily work for another. Be pragmatic with how you approach it.
As far as the A goes, you have a gut feeling that it exists, so whether you have proof or not, it is real to you. As has been pointed our to me on these very boards, it is awfully hard to prove that your Sp isn't having an A especially when they vehemently deny one. One thing to remember is that all cheaters lie; it goes hand in glove. Deny, deny, deny. Even if you catch them red-handed, you will get the "(S)He's just a friend!" speech. This is script! In your sitch since you don't have proof, just focus on yourself and your kids. If you have an opportunity to snoop without getting caught, that might be something to consider, but you alone should decide how much and how far you want to take it. It is important to know whether you are dealing with a MLC or an A because, even though the symptons can be similar, the cure is different.
MLCs just have to be waited out, whereas As usually need some intervention. Again, since you aren't sure, just take the general vaccine (DBing, GAL, PMA, 180s) until you know more.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
