In limbo- deciding to stay or go

[SpyBunny]

This may not be the right place for me, but I'm gonna give this a shot. H and I will have our 20th anniversary next month but I'm not sure we'll make it to 21. We nearly got divorced about 7 years ago- H felt like he was of a father figure in our marriage and wanted a more "equal partner". I had no idea that he was feeling that way, and it sent me reeling. I was a stay at home mom at the time, and I panicked about the kids and income if we divorced. I started IC and went on Paxil after this- H thought I needed to work on self-esteem issues, plus I had some bad anxiety from the D threat. I stayed on it longer than I needed to because H thought it was helping my "social anxiety". We tried some MC but H thought that the counselor was a crock. Looking back on it now- I was jumping through all the hoops that H wanted to make sure he stayed- Medication being a big hoop. Another hoop- H wanted us to be swingers. He had nagged me about this for 2 or 3 years before the D threat, saying it was just sex, what's the big deal, why not a little variety? During this period when I was feeling emotionally beat up (and on medication!), I finally gave up the fight about it and agreed to try it. I figured we would meet this couple, nothing would happen, we could say we tried and he'd be off my back about it. It didn't work out that way- something happened. I could see where the evenings activities were going, and there was no way out. So I drank a lot of goldschlaeger which helped numb things. After the activities were over, I ran to the bathroom and threw up- from the alcohol and the shock of what happened. After we got home, H was feeling "extremely close" to me (in contrast to my emotional sickness), and decided that was a good time to tell me about the one night stands he had while we were in the near-divorce period. All I could say was "Oh.." No screaming, no crying, just numb...

There was no going back after that night. Up until that night, I thought I had been his one and only lover- now there were 4 (me, two one-night stands, and the swinger lady). I tried going along with the swinger lifestyle over the last few years, but it made me miserable while it made him happy. It hurts me to see him with another woman, whereas he found it exciting to see me with another man. I didn't want other men, but tried to convince myself that this was something I could do. It didn't work- sometimes the other women could see that in my eyes- a couple of women even pointed it out to H, but he wanted me to keep trying.

While this was going on, I went back to school, got a paralegal certificate to add to my bachelors degree and got a nice job as a paralegal at a law firm downtown. That helped my confidence more than anything.

Over the last couple years, H wanted to branch out from swinging as a couple, to also include swinging separately. Again, I foolishly agreed. I met a couple of nice guys, and started having EA with both of them. There were no secrets with them, they knew exactly what I was doing. One was even in a similar situation with his own wife. It made me realize what I missing with H- I hadn't realized it before then but I had been distancing myself from him emotionally as a way to deal with the swinging.

At this time, H felt that I was retreating into my "shell" again and thought i needed to start taking meds again. No one else in my life thought this- just him- not coworkers, friends, family. I see that he mistook my withdrawal from him specifically as withdrawal from life in general.

I started going back to IC in Feb to figure out what I want out of my marriage. Counselor agreed meds were not necessary for me. I can't keep going with the swinging- I told H that I was taking a break from it while i was going to IC. As a compromise, I told him he could f*** whoever he wanted in the meantime, just keep me out of it. I don't think he has, but I know he keeps checking profiles... he'll do it in front of me- he'll work on his laptop while we're sitting in bed. Recently I asked him which was more important to him- our marriage or the freedom to be a swinger. He said he couldn't answer that- he loves me, but he also loves "variety". The weird thing is that we have a good sex life as it is- 3 or 4 times a week. For me it's just sex at this point. The passion is gone from me- I can't kiss him, there is no non-sexual contact, and I just don't have much to say to him. I have really turned my emotions off when it comes to him.

Our son graduates HS at the end of May, and I'm holding off any further discussions until then. After that, I plan to give the ultimatum- me or swinging. But part of me doesn't want to give the ultimatum, and just leave. I don't trust that if he chooses the marriage that he won't erupt again in a few years with buried resentments about it. and I have a lot of resentments of my own right now. Is it so bad to want to keep sex between husband and wife? I thought that was special for us- now I know it's not special to him. His rationale: with others it's just sex, with me it's lovemaking. I don't understand- I miss the bond we used to have and I'm not sure that it can be recovered, and if it can't- i want to move on. I don't want any drama before the graduation- this is our son's time to shine. Afterwards, this summer is gonna be rough. If anyone has any thoughts, I'm open.

Thank you for letting me put my thoughts out there-
Sharon

[Dia]

Not sure I have any advice, but here are some (((hugs)))!

One question tho, do you think H could be a sex addict? If he's having sex with you 3-4x/week, plus swinging, plus anything you might not know about - that's kind of a lot of sex, no? Is there porn, too?

FWIW, this sounds very mid-life crisis as well.

[SpyBunny]

I think he is a sex addict. When he's stressed, he gets extremely horny. Example- we have sex on Fri night, I go to sleep, he takes care of business again on his own (I feel the bed shaking), he does it again Sat morning, we have sex Sat night, then again Sunday. Sound a bit much?

And it seems like he's been in a MLC for almost 10 yrs, he hasn't been happy at work for a long time and feels trapped. Combined with some health issues, he's not a real happy person. I've often wondered if he's depressed, but he won't consider that.

[SDFoundGirl]

The question is, what do YOU want? No one on this planet would blame you for walking away, if that's what you had to do.

Are you willing to put that boundary into place and enforce it?

Are you willing to let H keep screwing anything that moves and stay married?

Are you willing to contract any disease he brings home? Because, as we tell the kiddos in sex ed, nothing is 100%.

Are you willing to die because of his lifestyle? Again, nothing is 100%. (This is a question I heard on Oprah with a therapist advising parents how to talk to their sexually active/thinking about becoming SA teens. It's a good one.)

What does Sharon want for herself? Because it's not wrong to live authentically, to draw a line where your boundaries are, to take care of your own emotional needs.

Love means respecting other peoples' boundaries, understanding that what's right for themselves might not be right for someone else, and that's okay.

This is your one life, and it is up to you to live it in a way that brings you authentic joy (as opposed to icky bandaid psuedo-joy like your H, using different women to fill himself up).

Get in touch with what you want, and go from there. It's not selfish, it's real.

SD