Just want you all to know I am having a pretty good week. I am preparing for my nephew's birthday, he will be 10. XH still hasnt talked or asked about me....nothing new, didnt expect him to. I was a little down tonight thought due to my financial situation. I am scared of NOT making it. I dont have anyone to turn to but my aunt and she cant help much. It really would make my day if xh called and offered a hand. I can wish and hope cant I.
I am so very sorry that you are having it tough financally. Unfortunately, that is one of the signature problems that happens with this. You can forget about any help from XH. It seems to me that a big part of this MLC, or whatever you wish to call it is to make certain that nothing is done moneywise. I don't really know why that is, but they could care less if you have a place to live, anything to eat, or any basic needs. Can't count on any help from him Renee, look at a refyi on your house, maybe another job? Its tough I know.
Braveheart does their heart just turn cold. I am being quite honest when I say this man ALWAYS took care of us, he even worked 2 jobs sometimes to make sure we had enough. Some people will even say he "worshiped me", so to speak. No one, and I mean no one expected this out of him. His whole life has changed. It truly must be an emotional illness. What else would explain what is happening. This man that loved me so much told me he wanted to erase the past he had with me. He said this out of anger, but most of the stuff they say is out of anger, right? Its sad, really really sad, especially for them.
I haven't posted to you but have followed your threads. I could see how badly you were trying to make sense out of your XH's nonsense. I think it took awhile to realize that there are no logical answers -- there is a loosely-based "script" that these guys follow, but even that is illogical for the most part.
You are questioning your XH's sudden disinterest in his great passion (fishing). Well, my XH did this in reverse. During the 20 years we were married, he never showed an interest in hunting. We never even had a gun in the house. Well, about a year prior to the "bomb", he began collectng guns. By the time he actually left, he had two large gun cases filled with guns (my son estimated about $200,000 in guns).
Then he became the great white hunter. He went on canned hunting trips every weekend. I'm sure he kept his taxidermist bisy for a couple of years (probably about 75 mounted "heads" ... yuk!).
Just before I filed for divorce, he took his young OW on an African safari hunt.
During the D, he lost all interest in guns and hunting. He hasn't been hunting in almost 2 years now. I thought it was a good sign (that maybe the fog was lifting) but he is still stuck.
There just isn't any rhyme or reason to this stuff.
Thanks for your support. My xh, unlike most here, is wanting NO CONTACT with me so I dont get to actually see the results of whatever he is going through first hand. All I know is when this last ow came into the picture, contact ended. AND so has his fishing, as far as I know. He has taken our son fishing on his birthday every year forever and this year I think he told him no. I hate this for our son, I hate this for me, I hate this for my xh. I have said before, I can understand someone falling out of love and wanting a divorce (although not over night), but I cant understand the "not having a heart".
Just want you all to know I am having a pretty good week. I am preparing for my nephew's birthday, he will be 10. XH still hasnt talked or asked about me....nothing new, didnt expect him to. I was a little down tonight thought due to my financial situation. I am scared of NOT making it. I dont have anyone to turn to but my aunt and she cant help much. It really would make my day if xh called and offered a hand. I can wish and hope cant I.
I am so very sorry that you are having it tough financally. Unfortunately, that is one of the signature problems that happens with this. You can forget about any help from XH. It seems to me that a big part of this MLC, or whatever you wish to call it is to make certain that nothing is done moneywise. I don't really know why that is, but they could care less if you have a place to live, anything to eat, or any basic needs. Can't count on any help from him Renee, look at a refyi on your house, maybe another job? Its tough I know.
Braveheart does their heart just turn cold. I am being quite honest when I say this man ALWAYS took care of us, he even worked 2 jobs sometimes to make sure we had enough. Some people will even say he "worshiped me", so to speak. No one, and I mean no one expected this out of him. His whole life has changed. It truly must be an emotional illness. What else would explain what is happening. This man that loved me so much told me he wanted to erase the past he had with me. He said this out of anger, but most of the stuff they say is out of anger, right? Its sad, really really sad, especially for them.
I can't explain it, wish I could. I don't think its any sort of emotional illness, I think that as time goes by some people think they have "missed out" and they become totally selfish to thier desires and unfortunately when that happens people get hurt. Renee, what county to you live in if you don't mind me asing.
I haven't posted to you but have followed your threads. I could see how badly you were trying to make sense out of your XH's nonsense. I think it took awhile to realize that there are no logical answers -- there is a loosely-based "script" that these guys follow, but even that is illogical for the most part.
You are questioning your XH's sudden disinterest in his great passion (fishing). Well, my XH did this in reverse. During the 20 years we were married, he never showed an interest in hunting. We never even had a gun in the house. Well, about a year prior to the "bomb", he began collectng guns. By the time he actually left, he had two large gun cases filled with guns (my son estimated about $200,000 in guns).
Then he became the great white hunter. He went on canned hunting trips every weekend. I'm sure he kept his taxidermist bisy for a couple of years (probably about 75 mounted "heads" ... yuk!).
Just before I filed for divorce, he took his young OW on an African safari hunt.
During the D, he lost all interest in guns and hunting. He hasn't been hunting in almost 2 years now. I thought it was a good sign (that maybe the fog was lifting) but he is still stuck.
There just isn't any rhyme or reason to this stuff.
Thanks for your support. My xh, unlike most here, is wanting NO CONTACT with me so I dont get to actually see the results of whatever he is going through first hand. All I know is when this last ow came into the picture, contact ended. AND so has his fishing, as far as I know. He has taken our son fishing on his birthday every year forever and this year I think he told him no. I hate this for our son, I hate this for me, I hate this for my xh. I have said before, I can understand someone falling out of love and wanting a divorce (although not over night), but I cant understand the "not having a heart".
You will get used to a lot of things Renee. I promise you, your XH will be totally self consumed and totally focused on himself. You are going to have to step up and be there more and more for your son.
I believe these mlcers somehow shutdown..their pain is too great their guilt ect they figure out a way to turn it all off the OW some drink/use drugs spending trips/clothing running all this numbs them so many can go this road for a while until all the toys leave and they are left to look at themselves sadly I believe some will never really look at themselves I have had to pick up the load as mother and dad my XH is a very poor father in my eyes he visits and taked kids to movies/gameroom/boyscouts but he is emotionally dead a walking zombie as I see it the hope here is for us I think to create a great/better life despite the situation time will heal all of us peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Braveheart how long do they go on being self consumed? I have tried to search for a story similiar to mine, divorced and no contact, do you know of any. Most here are not divorced. YR, said her h would never ask about her and had no contact but they never actually divorced. Braveheart what county do you live in?
Sunshine, my H walked out on a 30 year marriage, been together over 40 years. We did not D for about 4years but had little communication even though we had 3 grown up kids. He was married to the OW within a year of the D after swearing he would never remarry. He didn't tell me or his kids, in fact we have spoken maybe 4 times in 7 years. His sons graduated, his d married and had a child, he knew nothing of this. I told him we had a g/child and he begged me to see if his d would speak to him, she did and he visited her, that was nearly 16 months ago and the last we heard. So hard as it is, it happens believe me. I know. The only answer is to make a life for yourself and son. He may and probably wont look back. He is married now like my x. Time to close the door and stop the questioning because there are no answers. I would have found them by now believe me. We can assume and hypothosise all we like bottom line is,we will never know truly.
It is hard and it takes along time but the sooner you accept it the more life you have ahead of you. When I first started posting there were lots of us in v similar positions, they no longer post but they are all D and have no contact with x or extremely limited. Take care of You.
I have not posted for a very long time, but check the website every so often. I have been d for 5 yrs., xh married ow soon after the d, is still m to her. I was with xh for 28 yrs., m 23 yrs. we have 3 children. From my perspective, one day he was a loving h, the next day I didn't exist. He walked out and never looked back. We have had no communication. It's as if I never existed.
At first, he seemed to be a good father, actually better than he was when we were married. Then when ow was introduced, everything changed. The ow was the priority. As long as kids went along with everything, all was well. My middle daughter did not go along with everything and was emotionally abused, left behind, etc. It was clear that she was a problem. Eventually she and then my youngest child stopped seeing their father. He never tried to really have a relationship with them after that, stopped calling them, stopped attending sports and music events. I was basically raising them by myself. This went on for about 2 yrs. and then out of the blue he started emailing them, coming to my youngest child's concerts. The kids never responded to him, but he still pursued them thru email. Last Dec., my daughter (now 19) had a "breakdown" and was admitted to a facility. I felt I had to contact him. It was the first time I had spoken to him in years. I encouraged her to meet with him and her therapist since I think him leaving and his treatment of her is part of the problem. She refused at first, but eventually agreed to meet with him. I think they have met 3-4 times but nothing has really changed with their relationship. Sadly, I don't think they will ever have a father-daughter r. My youngest child still refuses to meet with him.
I don't know whether xh's life is better now, whether he is happy, whether he regrets what he's done. I have gotten some insight to his life from my daughter's therapist. I know that xh has been in therapy for 3 yrs., was "retired" at 50 (don't know why, but his job was everything to him), felt numb to life a few yrs. back (i imagine that's why he started therapy).
Bottom line is that I felt just like you, bad that my xh never looked back and I would say even avoided having to contact me, even with regards to the kids. It was a blessing in disguise. Even the girl's therapist told me that I should feel lucky not to have to deal with him. Eventually I saw that she was right. When you get a little distance from your situation, you will see that this is true. You will have to take care of yourself. It is empowering. It has taken me a long time to move on, longer than most. I am just now thinking about dating again. It's hard to remember being married and when i see xh at school concerts from a distance, he is a stranger. You will thrive if you let go and not fight something that you cannot control. That's when anything is possible. I used to wish that i could run away with someone and not have responsibilities like my xh. Now i am so glad that i didn't. I wouldn't want to be him for anything in the world. He will always have to live with what he has done and will never know a true relationship with his children. The children are the true victims here and i suffered guilt for a long time about that. I only hope that i have given them enough love and support for them to succeed in life. My daughter is doing better now and plans to continue college in the fall. It has been a tough road, but I feel strong and life is good.
Braveheart how long do they go on being self consumed? I have tried to search for a story similiar to mine, divorced and no contact, do you know of any. Most here are not divorced. YR, said her h would never ask about her and had no contact but they never actually divorced. Braveheart what county do you live in?
If I could answer that question, I would be a top physchologist! LOL I have no idea. I believe that the vast majority of people who do this will live the rest of thier lives like that, because in thier minds, anything beats admitting doing wrong. I live in Pike Co.
