Driving crying saying goodbye home alone long days sleepless nights tears fears feeling lonely hours days getting stronger days months not much longer 25 weeks 6 months the day is here driving crying eyes full of joy waiting searching seeing his face running crying arms open wide hugs kisses MY SAILOR IS HOME ******************************************************************
When last we saw our heroine, she was asking for prayer intercession for her kids, but without explanation. Now, a week later, she is ready to give the abbreviated version of what happened.
Well, homecoming went well on Saturday. I got a hug from DH on the pier and of course the kids were overjoyed to see him. DH brought us all gifts back from the cruise--I got a pretty rock carved like a turtle and hand painted from S. Africa and a coffee mug from Dubai. D17 was barely civil and left with her cousin to work on wedding plans as fast as she could gt out of here. DH spent all of his time here Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Saturday night, after the kids went to bed, he went to my BIL's house to visit with his mom--who did not come to the pier.
Sunday, DH did go to church for D9's baptism, but as soon as the baptisms were over, he made an excuse about going upstairs to see D9 in kids' church. Apparently, there he told her he was coming back to the house to do some yardwork. Watching him in church was almost painful. He used to love to go to our church. Now, he was fidgeting, turning red, coughing continually, complaining there was something in the air bothering his throat. My mom said it is because the enemy was afraid of DH being in church with family. Conviction is going on. He has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, is on Paxil for it, and he was having a panic attack just being in the church.
My family treated him like nothing has changed--that we are still together. I am sure that threw him for a loop. On Sunday night, after the kids went to bed, DH made a run to the convenience store for creamer--that was usually when he would disappear for two hours to call OW. Well, he was gone 20-30 minutes and even brought me back cigarettes.
Monday, I needed to go to the store and DH kept the boys home with him while I went. I was back within an hour and a half. In that time, he had started and finished a few loads of laundry, taken out the trash, swept and mopped the laundry room, and glued back together the music box from D17 that he had shattered the day he left last year. He went to the school to eat lunch with the little girls and there dropped the bombshell on D9 that he was going out of town for a week to visit "friends". Also told D9 not to tell D5, as it would make her upset. WTF!!!! Well, when they girls got home from school it became one grilling session after anotehr of them wanting to know why he was leaving. It was wearing on me and I had to tell the girls to lay off. Again, after the kids left, he said he would run to WalMart and get me printer paper. Was gone only the amount of time it would take to make the trip and brought me cigarettes again. He also would not let me pay him back for the stuff he picked up for me. He also was quick to show me that he fixed the music box.
He brought back CDs of the pictures from his Chief's pinning and their port call in London. Harped on me constantly until I sat down to look at them. He hung right at my shoulder and told me about everything I was looking at. I did put in a slight dig about how much I envied him, that visiting England during a portcall was always something I wanted to do. He simply said I would love it there.
But by Tuesday am DH was gone to Michigan to be with his "friend". The kids were completely devastated and will not even mention him around the house. D5 was awake when he left, sometime between 2 am and 6am, and watched him pull out of the driveway to leave. S2 walked around the house for 2.5 hours last Tuesday looking and crying for Daddy, another hour of it on Wednesday. He also had another meltdown about it yesterday. Tuesday night, D17 stayed here and D9 slept in her room, while the littles begged to sleep with me. D9 took it the hardest. She has suffered major setbacks in all we had accomplished in her therapy over the past four months. How can he not see the damage he is doing to the kids and his relationship with them?
D17 is furious that he chose to spend time with the OW and her kids as opposed to his own after having been gone for 7 months. She is the only one that knows the real reason behind our separation. Or at least, I think she is. D9 is questionable. I think she knows but does not want to acknowledge it.
I am definitely GALing. I took the kids to Chuck E Cheese on Friday, planted a lovely flower garden out front on Saturday, and we had a church picnic on Sunday with kite flying! All of these were things that would have been out of character for me in the past. Since losing some weight and joining the gym, though, I am finding I have the energy and the inclination to be doing outside activities. Of course, that is more activity and more weight loss! ;-) I am also enjoying sending the time with the kids, something I confess I was not real good about before. We have tons of things going on over the next few weekends, too, so much so that DH will be lucky to spend any time with the kids. But then again, his actions demonstrate that he does not want to anyway.
DH was surprised by many of the changes around the house, even though he did not mention too many of them. If he noticed my changes, personally, he did not mention those, either.
We have not heard from him since Tuesday night. Apparently, D5 had been up crying around 3 cause he was leaving and he told her he would call. She never mentioned it to me. I told him then I did not think it was a good idea for him to talk to the kids right then--I had just got them calmed down. He said then he would not call until he got back. Talk about avoiding your problems! Acted like he could not understand why the kids were upset. I told him that we understand that this is his choice, but that does not mean the kids have to be happy about them. I also told him that he needed to realize that choices have consequences and I hoped he could live with his. He has already lost his relationship with one daughter and D9 is on her way out the door, too. He reiterated that he would call when he got back and I told him that was fine and hung up. He was initially planning to fly back late Wednesday night, but kept saying he was taking an earlier flight, as he had miscalculated his le4ave time. Essentially, he has 12 days leave and the kids were getting three and a half with him--two of which they were in school for most of. I do not know if he changed his ticket or not. I did call him back Wednesday to remind him to take into consideration, if he changed his ticket, that the kids and I go to church on Wednesdays and that D9 has counseling on Thursday. He said he would. Nothing since that call.
He was supposed to be staying here at the house again when he came back, at least til the end of his leave, but with the kids reactions to him leaving, I told him I did not know if it was a good idea for him to stay here when he gets back. Was I wrong to do that? I was just trying to protect the kids, but now wonder if I made the wrong decision.
I also found out last Tuesday afternoon that he will be moving in with my BIL and SIL. SIL is not thrilled about it but did not want to tell BIl that his brother had to live in his car. I told her that was his choice--he has a perfectly good house he could stay in--he chooses not to. She agreed. We are worried that this will cause problems in our friendship. I am worried it wil cause problems in BIL and SIL's marriage. The inlaws are all--MIL and FIL included--are disgusted with DH for leaving the kids like this. I had a long heart to heart with my FIL over things last week, too. HE sees no end in sight for me and DH--there is no money to do anything about it. But FIL really thought that DH would be back home after the deployment. I guess we gave him more credit than he deserved.
So that is my update, in a nutshell. I do have a funny story to add about my mom and dad--I will do it later.
I am angry for my kids. I have been struggling with this all week. Keep me in your prayers, that I will have the strength to continue to bear up in the face of not seeing any progress or softening on DH's part. I do trust in God, honestly, I do. I just get discouraged on days when my kids are crying their eyes out for their dad. I cannot understand how someone goes from being a truly AMAZING dad to such a jerk to his kids.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I was looking for you. I am sorry. You are doing all the right things. Dont be afraid you will push him away and act as you must for your kids and you. I will post more later, love M
I don't have much to add from our talk the other night but I want you to know I am praying hard for your situation.
Lost is he Found he can be
Hearts broken Words spoken
Agape love Sent from above
Yours to keep no more weep
Love,
L
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I need to thank Sandycay, Amy, Crissy, Greek, KellyJo, and my family for being here for me this past week. I have not gotten as angry as I could (or should) have. they took it on themselves for me. the angrier they got, the calmer I got. DH has made his bed--I hope it is not too uncomfortable to lie in.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
OMG!!!!!!!!!! sis, I so wish i could be there right now. I am so sorry this is happening. please know i love you, and so know the pain you are feeling, esp for the kids. idk what it is with men lately and the way they handle thier kids. i want to smack him for you.
i love you we need to catch up
praying for you
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
In general I'm trying very hard not to pass judgments on people -- failing from time to time, but recognizing that all we know is at best a partial view of what's really going on.
But here? Um... oh to hell with it. What a pr*ck!
And live in his car? What, they don't have enlisted quarters in the Navy? Let him go back to the fleet if he can't give his family the attention they deserve.
I read a lot of peoples' threads without commenting, but this one really chaps my back-side.
SMW, Don't waste time trying to figure DH out. Keep transforming yourself and loving those kids. I can't imagine how you are feeling. You are on our prayer list. Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
SMW you can't reason with the unreasonable or try to understand the terminally confused (otherwise referred to as a f*cktard, or the leader of the one man dumbass parade...you choose). Whether his bed is comfortable or not, it is the one he has chosen for now, so let him lie in it.
You are a wonderful woman and a great mom. He will have to live with the consequences of his choices.
I'm so sorry that he is acting this way and I can only imagine how you feel, but I'm prayin' for you too.
((((Hugs)))) S&S
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
