Tomorrow is D-Day

[bearsfan45]

Greetings everyone...I'm a little bit early as tomorrow is the official end of the marriage. I've navigated over from Newcomers.It's a no-fault divorce and I have signed all of the necessary papers. I figured there was no point in stalling or lying about not signing them or putting up a fight...I don't even need to be in court as we are not fighting over any assets or do we have kids together. I've been preparing for tomorrow for like 3 weeks now yet the shock wave is beginning to set in and I feel really strange tonight. I guess preparation only goes so far. I'm also here because I admittedly want to continue the battle and since I don't have ONE frekn person here where I live who understands what I'm thinking. Its always: Get another girl. Or: Forget her. Not the advice that I'm looking for. There are no completely burned bridges with her or has anything severe happened in the marriage. mainly MLC on her part. So its MLC 2, Me, 0... I'm hurting of course, yet I could definitely use some friends from this forum who are trying to accomplish the same goal. So I need to 'stay on my feet' and focus and I could use all of the support and advice that I can get. Thanks for reading this. Feel free to ask me anything.

[JMC]

Hope everything went as best as it could for you. I did not need to be in court either. In fact, I did not find out I was legally divorced until two or three weeks later when I inquired myself. For whatever reason I, like you, 'want to continue the battle' as well. I just can not believe this is what she really wants.

I can so relate to your comment regarding others not understanding and making comments about forgetting her and getting another girl. My ex-w is also in MLC land, and whenever I mention that to others I quickly go over the three legs to the stool - childhood issues (pregnant at 17 and having her own mother die at the same time), life changing event (empty nest syndrome), and hormonal (hysterectomy in this case) - as I am sure others are thinking I am crazy and simply making excuses. I know I was that way before this happened to me. There is a post by, I believe, Michele in the Infidelity forum that makes the point that we all say "I would never put up with that" until it happens to us.

Hope you are doing ok. As I guess you can tell, this forum does not get as much action as some of the others. I only come by here every now and then anymore, and did not check out this site at all for several months. I have gotten closer to God and try and stay busy, and while realizing my faults in the M, I also now know there are elements involved that are beyond my control and not my fault.

[bearsfan45]

Hey thanks JMC. Wow, we're the same age 46, and also the ex's, 44. I'm hanging in there...Not doing great, but not too bad either. I wish this forum did get more traffic...I very recently read where a lot of divorced couples do re-unite down the line, so I try to keep that in mind while at the same time improving myself and cleaning up some issues. Bomb on your 10 year? Ouch! Oh: My ex had her daughter at 17 or 18 also...We don't have the same ex, do we? LOL. I am going to stick with this. Right now I'm in complete NC although her daughter and I are still friends and we talk every week. Ex just came out of BK and she has not gotten her foreclosure letter yet, so she will be moving by the end of the summer it looks like. She still has spending issues from what I hear and has been very "crabby" as her daughter calls her. Ah, what the hell....I don't want to go back into the dating world(please, no) so I may as well keep at it. Kidding aside, I still love her: she used to be a very nice, fun woman to be with so I keep in mind the good. Fortunately, there has been no seriously bad stuff between us although we did get into an email spat a few weeks before the D date. As I have read: They just have to figure it out on their own and hopefully, they wake up. I'll be hanging around here...Seems we have the friends and family issues in common also. I just keep to myself regarding that and I don't say anything about it at all. Hope you're getting along also. Thanks again for your reply.

[JMC]

Hey BF45 - is that bears as in Chicago Bears? Would # 45 be Gary Fencick? Ironic about the similarities. I guess BK is bankruptcy - right? Does that affect you as well? Financial issues were a problem for us. She lost her job twice and received a 30% pay cut at another job (mostly economy driven, and once her company got bought out, but she does seem to get down after realizing a job may not go as she wished). She has not worked since losing another job in January '08, and I guess is comfortable living with OM and driving his Cadillac. Evidently she is going to nursing school. I sometimes joke that at least she did not put me in bk or give me an std!

The bomb on the 10-yr anni was not intended by her, nor was it an act of malice. We were having a nightcap at the hotel we were staying and, having realized things were not 'right', I mentioned that we need to work on our marriage, to which she replied 'I want a divorce.' Talk about sobering up! I still remember that very moment, not fondly either.

I am in NC also and we only communicate via email about our daughter's wedding plans. The ex lives with the OM she was cheating on me with. Oddly however, she recently invited me to be her 'friend' on Facebook. I have a separate thread with the details (I do not want to be on there and accidentally opened account to see a friend's site). Like you, I still love my ex, and for whatever reason right now I still would like to be together. I dated a great woman for about 9 months and we are still friends (went on a bike ride yesterday).

Good to see you have a relationship with her daughter. When my ex moved out, I decided to adopt her daughter. Best thing I ever did. I realize it is just a piece of paper, but it means the world to me. She cried with joy when I asked her if it were ok if I adopted her. We usually get together about once a week. In fact she met me and my bike-riding friend for dinner last night after spending the afternoon with her mother looking for houses. I miss doing things as a family and sharing stories about my daughter with my ex.

What do you mean by the 'friends and family' issues? My ex has distanced herself from our mutual friends, and of course total elimination of contact with my family, who regarded her as a daughter/sister - very sad. Yet, she has reached out via Facebook, which my friends find very puzzling.

Like you wrote, there is not a whole lot we can do. I simply pray for her and try and make a better me.

[MsMelancoly]

Hi, Just wanted to say I'm not in the same boat as both of you. Yet, I am going down a similar river. My H & I have become more like friends again. Our pretrial D date is next month. Still don't totally want a D. Yet in an odd way it seems to be what is best, to bring us closer. Crazy.

[bearsfan45]

Very good JMC! Yeah, Gary Fencik! Loved that guy. Yale graduate plus he was crazy..hit like a truck. BK is short for bankruptcy. I did not get hurt. Ironically, I had signed off on the house(she owned it before I met her) when she decided to start using it to get a credit line to pay for some cosmetic surgery....tuck job. I've worked hard most of my life, thought it was a crazy, insane idea and said I wanted no part of it, which of course caused problems. If I had not done it, I would be divorced AND have a BK. Well, it cost her because she had to use additional monies to pay for it, got in over her head and now is waiting on the foreclosure papers. It is a long story which I will detail more another time. All of this happened after I moved out. She actually had 2 surgeries. Also pissed off her work as she took 3 months off last year to heal so she is on thin ice there. I guess she had the doctor or whomever write notes saying that she was still in pain, etc. I know this is a bit hard to follow, but I don't have all of the details on how she got away with this. I know her pay was cut to 70% during that time off and that was the nail in the coffin financially. She got pregnant at 17, her mom gave her two choices: Have an abortion or leave. So ex still holds A LOT of resentment for that even though her and her mom still talk. She was overweight in her 20's and most of her 30's and is now a marathon runner. I met her just after she did the 26 mile run here a few years ago. She trains like 6-7 days a week obsessively. Gets up at 5, goes to the gym, then work, then back at the gym til 9pm. Its crazy. Anyway, she wanted her freedom mainly to pursue her um, running career and not have to answer to my bitchin about how her time is spent. She has dated, but I guess nothing stuck. Then again, when you're training most of your free time, thats no big shock. Her daughter says she is always in a crabby mood and starts fights with her here and there. I've never seen anything like this. Plus she just bought an expensive bike for a triathlon here in August...just after coming out of BK and with the knowledge that she is going to have to move before summer's end.Don't even know if she has the money saved for rent and security. But that day that she has to move IS coming. I don't know how a foreclosure works or how long it takes, she BK'd in March, and still has not been served or whatever the bank does in this situation.

[bearsfan45]

Yes Ms Melancholy...I've read that it is not wise to fight the D....It just makes them more determined and they could wind up hating you too. I didn't fight mine. I did not lift a finger to help. I said I would sign them if thats what she really wanted, but I would not help with the 500.00 filing fee as I did not want this nor was I the one who wanted my freedom. She also had proposed to me. I was a bit immature but I said "Since you're the one who wants to throw away the marriage, then you do the work on the divorce" Something like that. I have been goaded into arguments which I've read is a BIG no-no. Yes, this whole business IS crazy and we probably are too, BUT, if you love someone despite all of the craziness, what the hell, you just have to go with your feelings.

[bearsfan45]

Oh yes: The reason I'm here: Only woman I've ever truly been in love with. She has stated in the past of course, how she has never been this close to anybody. Same here. I never was a lovie-dovie type of guy nor the type that fell head over heals for girls. I had no problems walking away from relationships in the past when they started to go sour. I just did not want to deal with the conflicts. Anyway, man, she changed ALL of that. Was closer to her than anybody, including relatives. We were also the best of friends which was just fantastic. Heaven on earth. Most definitely. I hold on to those memories and try to block out all of the fights that ensued afterwards. Yeah, I carry resentment and think sometimes that I am looney for even wanting to pursue this and I have no excuse. LOL.

[dday101798]

Hi BF45, I think we've crossed paths before on here somewhere? (like the title BTW).

I've lurked around in this part of the boards since my STBX filed for D in February, and just can't work up the brass to start a thread here actually declaring it is almost over. Actually, 6/9 could be the probable day if not any sooner that her L works with mine on a settlement.

Like most, she's been living with OM since last July and this week is about the time we functioned as married. So to me, at this point the D finally happening is a relief in a way. We do have 2 boys that complicates things.

I guess there is a theme here. As more and more issues get resolved in court and there's left to squabble about, the more hope is shown of becoming friends again someday. [this got nasty].

Hang in there (everyone else as well).

[JMC]

BF45 - sounds like MLC. It amazes me the consistency of the level of craziness involved in everyone's stories.