At the moment I am really stuggling with my H OW. He left me 3 months ago and has been living with OW, his development manager of his company, for the entire time.
After 10 years of R and marriage I am lost.......he has never done this before and he seems to be very serious about her.....I know that their relationship was happening prior to him leaving
I believe in God but at the moment I am struggling with my faith; the hurt is so much.......
Please can I get some help with this?? Thanks for your time...........
Have also posted this on Newcomers/Hopefulness thread........
just had a chat with H on the phone; his first wife's partner has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. seems it is quite advanced. very upsetting considering i have known him for a while. i am struggling with our court hearing about the safety order on Thursday, there is something that tells me this is wrong........I am feeling for all of us. my H is traumatized by this and wants me to reconsider the hearing.he is resolute though about moving forward and resolving things but he wants to do it in a amicable way, preferably via mediation and not court, financially and otherwise. I feel that my heart is so unprotected where he is concerned, he reiterated that he is very 'cogent and clear about the narrative of his decision". the best hope of reconciliation is friendship and goodwill? Yet how do we get in that space, when he is in a relationship with OW. Am i being presented with a chance to show unconditional love or am I just being sucked into grievous hurt by a man that is indifferent. there seems to be no anger or hurt, just a will to be amicable. Indifference???? opposite to love.......... I am at a loss to know how to proceed. My friends are strongly advising me to go down a tough legal route for the protection of myself and my daughter. If love is dead can it be revived through prayer and patience and hope. And hard self reflection?
the best hope of reconciliation is friendship and goodwill? Yet how do we get in that space, when he is in a relationship with OW. Am i being presented with a chance to show unconditional love or am I just being sucked into grievous hurt by a man that is indifferent.
I don't think friendship and goodwill are possible or even beneficial when he is in a R with an OW. You can be friendly as you are to acquaintances (someone here once mentioned treat him like the mailman, friendly but...). Read all the stuff on LRT and going dark. Work on 180s. GAL. Karen
Yes, Yes, yes, Karen43 is so right, please listen to her!
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
sorry about the delay in posting; I just wanted to say how much I appreciate all of your advice, and timee; it means a lot to me.
I have been struggling yesterday and starting to feel a loy of hurt and anger. It must be the impending court hearing tomorrow.
I am supposed to be talking with H today about the possibility of revoking the hearing tomorrow.
I have been so torn, feeling that this is not moral, to put either of us through this.
But last night I got an extremely cool letter from his solicitor. My H is playing tough with this, will see me in court with bells on and intends to fight.
My h has left me, quite simply, emotionally and physically devastated. The last few months have been a living hell. He is now looking less guilty and sheepish, especially around my mother, who is incidentally going back to Oz next Wednesday.
He is so cold and indifferent......no obvious hate or hurt just completely over me, he is in a new life with a new woman and he has left me behind picking p the pieces of my life and my heart with no concern or remorse. I truly do not know wht has happened to the man I married, he is gone, as has my marriage as I knew it.
And it is this very man, this stranger whom I feel has the capability of continuing to destroy my heart directly by coming back freely into the marital home knowing that he has left and is living with another woman. It is this as much as any isolated incidences that are the reason why I feel the safety order is warranted.
I have lost so much with this man, his family where I live (no form of contact from any of them whatsoever), my sense of my life and my stability, my trust not only in men but also in fairness and kindness towards others.
I feel at a loss to understand how a man who claims to love you then pulls everything away, so cruelly, with no looking back.
I am in grief and it is now in the angry stage..........i deserve so much more......yes i have made mistakes but i am a good person, a faithful person.
would love your ideas, especially about court tomorrow, at this moment i feel as if i should go ahead.......
Apologies for the delay in posting; there has been a lot going on, a lot of confusion and hurt and I have been wanting to process things before I posted.
Really, really need some help with all of this.
On 29/4 (day before the court hearing) my H and I talked for about 6 hours. It was originally going to be a chance for us to look at whether we could find a common way to prevent the court case happening.....we ended up talking about the R. H was VERY EMOTIONAL.
I was talking to him about his snoring problem and how I have ever been able to have the intimacy that I yearned for with him because of my need for sleep. I told him that I had been very lonely. He said likewise.
He said that he was VERY SAD, that what had happened to us was a HUGE TRAGEDY..........because of what he sees as a CATACLYSMIC CHANGE in me and the way I am proceeding with y life. He was crying and saying "Why now, why now? I have been waiting for the last five years for the person that I see in front of me.......This is all I have ever wanted, you now are all that I ever wanted."
In the same conversation he said that he is now in a new relationship; i said yes one that by your own admission is not that significant; he said I never said that......I said yes of course you did, and that you may not be with OW in 2 months time; he said I never said that. I said.......so, it is significant then? He said "i am nor saying that, I am not saying anything about my relationship with OW to you'. He then said this marriage is over and I have moved on.
I commented on how quickly he seems to have "moved on" in a relationship that is built on other peoples sorrow and devastation. He incredibly said "Whose devastation?" Can he really be so far out of integrity? I said, well mine.........he said, look I understand that you are distressed and D7 is hurt to a lesser extent (unbelievable........his own D7 who is devastated he he is diminishing it).......he seems to be either devoid of emotion or is in complete denial.
As I was leaving I decided to say my finally goodbyes/ This is not be giving up on the commitment of my M, or for standing for it in Gods eyes, but making it quite clear that I am not the sort of woman that hangs around when he is in another R, whatever the nature of that is. I said that i was proud and honoured to be his wife, that i loved him, that I wished him happiness, that I hoped that she would make him happy (his response was only I can make myself happy; I a essentially alone in my life..........an indication of depression?). I then started talking about my step daughters; how much I still love them and miss them, how I love and miss his whole family but that I can bear speaking to them because the new OW will have taken my place. He says that he believes that love never dies and that I will always be a part of him, but that he doesn't believe that we will be in an intimate relationship again and that out time in each others life, in this lifetime is over. Yet he then says that no one can predict the future and strange things do happen......He kept crying and saying what a tragedy this all is, and was holding both my hands. He then said that he ahd to leave, that it was all too sad and his face was contorted........he then went.
The thing is , this man has choices........i have no idea what is going on here. If he is in so much tragedy about this why did he get in his car and drive to spend the night with OW? Is this R with OW going to last; it is based on secrecy, lies, other peoples devastation. The OW is dealing with my H's life; a bi-polar schizophrenic S34, 2 D's from first M (26,15), an XW with a partner who is dying of prostate cancer, a current wife and D7 who are both devastated and grieving, a dying sister whom he is very close to,a company that is folding, a career that is in chaos (he blames me for the demise of it and that that is why he is struggling now), He is of no FORMAL fixed abode, is living with OW but cant admit that legally.
Does this not bode well for their future? Is this pure and simple rebound, a man getting involved with his employee......when he is obviously, in some ways still trying to make sense abut the demise of our M
Will post next bit of news in a minute, coffee calls..... Please let me know any thoughts?
as most people know themselves here, I have weak moments and strong moments; I wish I was stronger.
there are moments when I can put OW and H into perspective and realize that its not anything to do with me and my life.
I am having to re establish my life from only 3-4 months ago where it was a completely different life.
What he has done has, hopefully momentarily, taken away so much hard work, confidence, hope, my dreams. My H has done this with so much speed, precision and cold, calculated delivery that I am reeling. He has lied to me and deceived me.
It is now my D who must and does have my full attention. I think that she is suffering. I look at her and wonder how my H can put her through it; I guess they not know what they do.
He has snow taken to emailing me about access, we now dont even properly speak. It is for the best because I have to keep reminding myself that I truly dont know who this man has become. The man who I loved with my whole heart, who I trusted, who I shared my dreams with, who I thought cared for me has and continues to put me (and my family) through a nightmare.
I am doing small things day by day that remind me that I am a good person, trying her best to love and care for the people around her. I am not sure what I want for my life, or what it will bring but I want to proceed with dignity and honour, I want to know when I put my head on the pillow at night that I can sleep well.
My trust in men has been severely damaged; I dont know how that can be reconciled? The sense that my H could do this without any remorse etc?
Every day I am working harder and harder to be a strong woman and the best mother that I can be
Not sure how I find any hope for any of us in this situation.LRT and going dark; it feels that it has gone beyond this point now.
Praying; maybe I need to do more. God is good and always present but I am still unsure what He wants to show me and us through all of this?
I am generally a woman with a large sense of possibility in my life; I would like to think that his is no different; that there is a space where we will all be OK somehow. But i have lost faith and lost my way.
