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[pearlharbr]

Amen! I'm scared to do a lot of things but have been really trying to take all opportunities to do new things.

Last summer I took a two-day course and got my motorcycle endorsement. Honestly it was because I was scared to ride my new scooter since I'd never ridden anything on two wheels with a motor. But it was very empowering and I have that little letter on my driver's license to remind me that I can do things that scare me.

[judyc]

I've not been around the forum for awhile, I am trying to keep my schedule full with activities. The more occupied I keep myself, the less I think about H. But when I am not busy, all I can think about is the pain he has caused. He is out having a great time (an assumption, but probably true) while I feel abandoned and hurt. Shopping for replacement items for the fire-damaged house and picking out new paint colors for all the rooms is fun, but reality will strike when I move back in in a couple of weeks. He had only been gone 4 days when the fire occurred. WHen I move back in I will be unpacking all of my pictures of us, items and knicknacks he had given me over the years, stuffed animals he had given me, etc. I think I will just put all that stuff in a box. I don't think I can bear to see it. I have already put the pictures of him that I had on my desk at work out of sight in one of my desk drawers.

And, my anniversary is on Saturday... I wonder if he will even be thinking about me. He always remembered our anniversary, and we did wonderful things to celebrate each year. I am going on an art tour during the day, so that will be fun and keep me busy and with friends. Maybe I am due for a shopping trip on Saturday night...

I was feeling strong and confident, until the anger set in about a few weeks ago. Now I feel angry and hurt. I hope I get out of this phase soon... It sucks.

[judyc]

Good for you, Pearl! It really feels empowering, doesn't it? I was at a graduation party over the weekend with some friends from a previous job, only a few of which know about my S. When I was introduced to some of the other partygoers, I was introduced as "this is the person who does all the exciting things, we all are really inspired by Judy..." Whoa, that made me step back and think. Me? I inspire people? They think I have my act together? Boy, I need to come out of this cocoon of sadness and anger, and let the real Judy emerge once again...

[orchid01]

Hi Judyc

I was glad to read that you are doing well and have been busy with activities. I have been writing on this blog but, I, too find that I can occupy myself and then when it is all over and I come home, it is a very difficult time. I have resorted to having the TV on most of the time I am alone. I have it on mute most of the time and yet, I keep it on! Isn't that crazy?

I can feel your pain with your anniversary coming up. Of course, I think, he will think of you....its something he,too, cannot possibly escape in thought....though he may be better at shoving it aside.....I think he will be thinking of you. I am already feeling scared to face mine...though it is 2 months away. Have you planned anything for Saturday? Please have a plan for that day. Some rough outline.....

I was thinking the other day that you, hopeful_cb, and I started on this blog about the same time and I was thinking how much more ahead of me you both are....I feel as if each day is still up for grabs....though being in a new city trying to get situated has kept me busy and......distracted. Anyways, I just wanted to say that YES! YOU are totally inspiring.

[judyc]

Orchid! Thanks so much, I really appreciate your kind thoughts and words. I always have the TV on, too... It's too quiet otherwise.

I try to keep myself together, but I have been in this anger mode, for a few weeks. My drive to work is about an hour, so there is plenty of time to think and feed my anger (I attempt to listen to self help CDs, but I end up daydreaming about my sitch...)

I can't imagine going through this hell AND having to start a new job in a new city. I have lived in the same area most of my life. You have courage.

Every Saturday night so far has been booked with some kind of activity, and will be through mid-July. The ONLY Saturday night with no plans is my anniversary - Things usually happen for a reason, so there is a purpose for this. What is the big deal about Saturday night anyway? It's just another night. Yeah, I don't have to go to work the next day, but other than that it is no different than a Monday night.

I read your blog too, although I don't always reply, I truly care about what you are going through.