When both have done wrong

[hopeful71]

I have posted a couple times. But haven't really told my sitch. I was married for 13 years to my husband before we seperated a year ago. For I would say 8 years the marriage was unhappy. Through those years I was in a sex starved marriage on his part meaning his doing. Even though I was so lonely I never strayed all those years. He was very mentally abusive also. Would tell me I was fat when I weighed 160 at 5 foot four. Then I lost weight and weighed in the 120's and wore a size four then he would tell me I just didn't turn him on. He would criticize everything I did and call me nasty names. So I would try even harder. We both worked but I took care of everything in the house including everything with the kid's. I even did the yard work and cleaned the gutters. He was so miserable I thought if he could just work and come home and relax maybe he would be happier. When I wasn't cleaning gutters, mowing the yard, working, volunteering at the school with the kid's, cleaning the house, cooking our dinners, I was reading relationship books. I went on line and searched relationship sites. I asked him to go to counseling he refused. I asked him to read the relationship books he refused. I asked him for us to begin going to church again he refused and said he no longer believed in god because his life was crap. I asked and arranged for us to go on dates again it didn't make a difference. Meanwhile I kept getting viruses on the computer all the time. Looking at the history he was on pornagraphic sites. Then it progressed to dating sites very vulgar dating sites. He was communicating with women and arranging meetings or at least was attempting to in the letters I saw. He had all kinds of pornographic movies, magazines, and etc. He was writing to his exgirlfriend that he never stopped loving her and nobody would ever compare to her. Stuff like this went on for years and I stayed. I held out hope I could make it work. I loved him and valued family and marriage. Okay then take it just a couple years back we got into a huge blow up over his dating sites, condoms in his car, numbers in his wallet. The man who already would beat me down mentally all the time and use porn but never touch me, never tell me I was pretty or cherish me in any way told me I was dead to him. He hated me, and was not turned on by me at all, and that he was only there till his lawsuit was over then he was out the door. He told me I had better prepare myself because he was leaving and I had nothing but a low life job. He told me we were only living as roommates until this time. That he was moving on with his life and that I should to. I still tried for the couple years we lived this way. I loved him and well just held out hope. I would have to say my self esteem was a zero even though people would tell me I was pretty all the time I could never see it. All I ever seen when I looked in the mirror was the piece of crap he made me out to me for so many years. I walked on pins and needles with everything not to anger him. This was in everything even my parenting skills. My life is my children, I read with them, help them do their homework, attend all school functions and they are both in the gifted and talented programs in school he would cut me down and say I was to protective the kid's would grow up to hate me like him.
But anyways back to the roommate. He proved that statement everyday. We didn't sleep in the same room. We never talked unless he was cutting me down for something. He seperated his bank account and only gave me enough money as he seen fit. Then once again I seen he was on dating sites listing he was indeed seperated. He was telling women what he wanted to do to them. Stating places he would meet them. Something in me snapped. At that point I just lost any love or respect for him. I told him he needed to go so I could move on. He refused and said live your life I am living mine. I am not out till my law suit is over. I got myself in school and just tried to ignore him. Knowing soon this would be over and he would be out. Well, take it January of last year I just couldn't take it anymore and kept telling him he needed to leave. I couldn't watch this anymore. Even our kid's knew we were living this way it just wasn't healthy. He refused until may he started moving out. We agreed on on no fault divorce and to use the same attorney. So he was moved out and about a month later I began dating call it crazy but I did. He came into our home while I was gone and stole all the information I printed out from his dating sites, and letters to women. Then he filed for divorce on grounds of adultery and is trying to fight for custody also. am I trying to make myself out to be a saint, heck no. I have made mistakes and am not perfect. Right now we are doing joint cutody until the final hearing. I am heart broken and stunned. That someone could turn and try to be this hateful. When he has the kid's none of their homework gets done. He refuses to pay for anything school wise or buy clothes. He lets them run off with friends and life is just a big party there. When they are with me there is not much time for fun. We have to shop for materials needed for school projects and get make up homework done. There is parent teacher conferences to attend to help get them caught back up to passing grades. They miss time in school because they have to see their seves off to the bus and they miss it. Then they call me and I run and get them even if it means calling into work. if my daughter needs pads because she is on her period while over there he won't run out and buy them. I get off from working a twelve hour day and run and get them and bring them over. And also the most heart breaking of all. My kid's have never been in trouble before even at school. He kept letting my son hang out with this boy who I thought was not a good influence at all. Well, with his lack of supervision my now twelve year old is facing 12 counts of burglary because he was off with this boy at all hours going into houses.

I posted on D's post that there is two sides to every story. I guess it just hit a nerve that someone could cheat then turn around and claim adultery on the other party and try to cause war and hurt them further. I am not perfect I really am not. But I can tell you through the years my ex has broke my heart time and time again. Is it right to date while seperated I am not sure. I thought you could but apparently in this state it is until papers are signed. My ex has also been out on dates. I am dating one person and only one person. I am not wild or going crazy. I get straight A's in school, work two part time jobs, and devote every minute I have with my children when they are with me.

[bluerain]

If you make paragraphs it makes things a lot easier to read.

I dated for a while too, just a few dates. I think it was to validate myself, that I was still desirable. That being said, I dont think that its a good idea to date while this is going on. You cant start a new relationship until your old one has been laid to rest. Or at least one that has any chance of being healthy or successful.

I think that its good that you have taking accountability for whats happened. And I think that its really important what you are doing for your kids right now, they have to have someone that they can count on during this whole nasty thing.

He is being awful, just showing exactly what a nasty person he is. But you cant let that change what you do. You just keep doing the right thing, taking the high road and you will come out of this without as many regrets. Dont let his bad behavior change what you know the right thing to do is.