My wife and I are separated and I KNOW that I should not talk to her about our relationship. She is living at our house and I come over hang out with the boys ( I pick them up from school) and have dinner. We will talk and like a fricken moron I bring up our relationship!! She tolerates it for awhile and the gets angry. WHY DO I KEEP DOING THAT!!!! I feel like I'm doing good, then in walks the woman that I love that wants out and all my strength starts to fade. We will talk about something and then she will mention something about the future (does not involve me) and then I start in on my monolouge of fixing this, is will be different ...blah blah blah. I even tell my self not to do it, then I kick myself for not following through. SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO JUST TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER WHEN THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE! I know I'm pushing her away....today will be a day I do not talk to her about us! Just want to scream......any ideas?
This is weird...I have been looking for someone that has a similar situation to mine. My wife feels that she has been through an awakening, encouraged by her counselor, and she is finding fault in everything about us. She feels that I have "held her back" and oppressed her???? We used to make decisions based on what was good for our family as a whole now she want only to make herself happy. I feel she resents the fact the we have kids and that she is "stuck" where we are (the state we live in). She loves our boys but she feels that her happiness is out there somewhere and he next man will have certain qualities, meaning she will choose the right guy (not me) and have this deep emotional connection she is searching for. I cannot believe she is being so selfish, we made a choice to raise a family, we had big plans for the future, now her new "path" does not involve me. Has anyone ever had this happen, she had read books like "Eat, pray, love" and is re-writing our history. I know she feels like she is not doing this to me, and she is right. She is doing this to US, including our boys! I just don't recognize her....I feel that true happiness is where you find it and what you make of it. But the worst, now she blames me for her situation, oh well. With that attitude she will destroy any relationship she is in, good luck to her on that. I'm going to be a father to my boys, to me that is happiness.
-Is this style of me first, follow your path at any cost an all out assualt on the family unit?
We are all sorry you are here but you will get plenty of support. As aliveandkicking has said your story is pretty much script for most of us here, and I personally have never known pain like it.
Read as much as you can, find other threads like yours particularly on the Newcomers Forums, it will help you gain some insight and support.
I am in the same boat as you seperated from my children, in my case my W is divorcing me without counselling, fast tracking as quickly as possible to a new life in the home I built. New clothes, new haircut, new man, selfish to the point where she (and all other WAS's) re-write history to justify their actions). Not thinking about the children, only what they want, thinking the grass will be greener on the other side.
AK, just try to think about you and your boys at the moment. They will need all the support you can give them at this time, try and forget about your W at the moment, give her the space to think things through. DO NOT talk about your R, write down some things you can talk about before you go around to the house.
Keep posting, there will always be somebody that will respond.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Sorry to hear about your troubles. They do sound familiar. Check out some more threads, starting finding some common situations and responses that can help you.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
It is hard not to talk about the R because that all that is swimming through your head. Today is the first full day of my seperation and I will say it is the hardest worst day of my whole entire life. Nothing has ever compared to this pain. The void inside me runs deep. I did mess up today. I went to him on 2 different occatons and asked for a hug. To make it worse we are doing an in house seperation. It is in my face day in day out now that he and I are not acting as husband and wife. I will survive though. we set ground rules and one of those is we act as friends and we dont talk about R. If it happens to flow back together then it happens, but I am hoping beyond hope that it will. We had a good family dinner though and I do feel like I am freer to be myself around him and I am not tiptoeing around anymore. and he says he does not feel as stressed anymore. Maybe this could work for the better. Give us a chance to get back to basics. Back to friends. It is just scarier then hell to be here.
t=5.5yrs m=4 kids=4 (8,9,10,&11) I dropped the bomb 10-09 regaining myself in house seperation 9-6-09 divorce final 4-19-10 Moved out 9-17-09
Steph - (Wo)Man I sure know how you feel! So sorry you guys are "separated", I am in a similar situation. I keep thinking that one day my WAW will come to her senses and realize just what she has. It is SO hard not to ask for a hug. I mean, it is only a hug, for God's sake! So I get "hugs of compassion" because she knows it's not easy on me for her to want to leave me and cause so much pain to our family. Nice (feels like a "warm" hug) but I feel like a wimp and think she just pities me. In reality, I pity her as she is just so lost in her MLC and trying to find out who she is, etc. Unfortunately, she listens to all of her divorced/separated girlfriends (the "She-Woman-Man-Hater-Club") who all have her convinced that she is "caving" in if she backs out of going through with a divorce. She keeps trying to be strong enough to leave. In reality, it takes more strength to stay, but she doesn't see it that way. At least we are still in the same house, though only as room-mates.
Me 47 W 44 D16, D13 T 23yrs M 20yrs WAW/MLC + Male EA "BFF from H.S." = Misery
We all seem to have the same problem. My wife quit touching me in early august. Went to a divorce atty before laborday. Selfish and not thinking about our 22 years together and our two sons. At first would not even go to counseling w/me. I just got her to go last night and she said she will never have sex w/me again even if we did stay married. After counseling, I was told she did not want to work on marriage . Then I called her after I left our house to think, to ask for confirmation "do you want a divorce?" She said yes. I should not of forced the issue. I said something to her about a childhood trauma when she was 16, and she wont forgive me. She agreed to continue counseling but I think that is to wait until our 16yr.old son is out, then she will leave. She does not want me in the same bed, and she slept on the couch last night. She has become a different, strange person in the last 8 weeks. All her divorced friends are telling her to leave me. Her family also. I never did anything major enough to have this hit our relationship. This is incredibly difficult, my two boys are shattered, and all she can think about is herself, and not working it out. Mabe in the next two years I can save this, but it is the worst problem Ive ever had to deal with. We also are under financial stress,since my salary has been cut by 40%. Sure is great to have two major battles to deal with. Major evil and pain going on in the world, never thought it would enter my house. Me 48 Her 48 Son 21 son 16. No affairs. Just a wife w/messed up head
Hey Stressed - you're right we all do have very similar problems. As you read through the posts, you'll see your situation repeated over and over (or something pretty close).
You'll also see some that are much worse that'll need support from you and others. Doesn't lessen your pain but does often add perspective. For instance, it's been over nine months since my wife and I have had sex because the last time (on our 20th anniversary) she became physically ill afterwards as she was no longer attracted to me and has since told me she finds me sexually repulsive. Now THAT's an ego booster!
You'll see a lot of good advice as well...the hard part is remembering it in the heat of battle. I continually try to use the advice that makes sense to me but often miss the mark when hit over the head with a cruel comment or frozen with an icy shoulder. I do try to give her as much space as I can and only "engage" her on IMPORTANT things. Doesn't always work though.
Anyway, best of luck to you with your DB'ing. I hope you have at least two years to get things back in order and hopefully much better than before all this started! I also hope the damage she is causing (in my wife's case as well) is not irreparable. Unfortunately, it seems they can only see as far as a few days/weeks ahead due to their selfishness. They aren't looking at possibilities a few years down the road, other than how their life would be so much easier without you in it!
Me 47 W 44 D16, D13 T 23yrs M 20yrs WAW/MLC + Male EA "BFF from H.S." = Misery
