I am new to this forum; I found the site looking for information on behaviour in depression. Basically I need to 'talk', try to find some kinda of insight and hopefully have a better understanding of what's going on. Anyway here is my story (hope you are sitting comfortably because this could be long):
My partner of 4 years moved out at the beginning of November last year. I had no idea that he was unhappy with me\us (I'm very good a picking up vibes). We had (or so I thought) a very loving relationship.
In October last year he announced he wanted to see his son every other day. He has always been a part-time dad, seeing him every third week-end, very rarey in school holidays. He has always been a very good provider to his son and ex-partner, they have never wanted for anything. He said that now his son is getting older (he will be 14 in April), he is frightened that as he's always been a part-time dad, his son won't want to know him when he's older. He's now living in a flat two minutes from where his son lives. I offered to move with him, but his response was: 'You two can't stand being in the same room together, if you are there, he won't come round and you would resent him being there'. Within two weeks of telling me this, he found a flat and moved out.
During the two weeks after he told me, we had a few discussions, he told me that it was finding it difficult about making a decision because of the way he felt about me. He said he wanted to sort his head out, that he was always this laid back type of guy, but didn't feel like that anymore (he blamed me for that, the fact that I was constantly moaning about my weight and looks). Then telling me he didn't want a relationship right now, but don't write us off. During this time he was still very loving towards me (not in a sexual way), and couldn't take his eyes off me. I felt like it was me that was doing the leaving. He was in tears quite a few times. His words didn't match his actions. Then a week after I got 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you'. I went to my Mum's whilst he was moving out, it would have been too painful. He paid for my flights, gave me spending money, took me and picked me up from the airport.
The house I'm living in is his, he told me that he would only sell it if I wanted him to. He is paying all the bills and won't accept any money from me to pay towards the bills. I guess that could guilt on his part because I sold my flat to move into his and he knows I can't afford to buy a place now.
I've seen him three times since he left, which was before Christmas. On each occasion he looked extrememly tired. He is working very hard and is travelling quite a distance to work. He's a contractor which means he has to go where the work and money is. The contract he is currently working on seems to be a lot more pressurised and this is when he seem to change and him wanted to spend more time with his son came about.
First occasion we got together was two weeks after he moved out, he was all over me like a rash, couldn't keep his eyes off me. Every opportunity he would hug me, the second time wasn't so good - I got drunk and tried to talk. Bad move, I ignored what my initiution was telling me. Anyway I started asking questions:
Me: 'Are you happy without me'. Him: 'you just get on with it' Me: 'Do you love me?' Him: 'I've already told you'. Me: 'Did you wake up one day and decide you didn't love me anyone?' Him: 'He doesn't work like that, I understand how you feel, you got the raw deal'. Me: 'Did you ever love me?' Him: 'I always loved you and never stopped'. I wanted to say 'my god what is this all about, Mr Confusion'. That night he seemed very flippant.
The last night I saw him was when he popped it to drop my Christmas presents off. His parting comments to me were: 'You know where I am if you need me' I replied: 'I don't actually'. He asked if I wanted to know, to which I replied, 'What do you think I'm gonna do, just turn up on your doorstep. You know where I am' He replied: 'I know where you are, I found you.' The turned and and went. He looked very sad.
From that point until middle of March I heard nothing from him. I sent him an email thanking him for his Christmas presents, then another just a chatty one letting me know what was going on in the house etc. I have no response from him at all, it felt like he's choosing to ignore me like I don't exist anyone, he really must hate me\dislike me. Middle of March I plucked up courage to sent him another chatty email, keeping upbeat and again letting him how things in the house were going. Two weeks later I had a response from him, nothing much just a few lines. Since then communication has only been by email and very slow.
My Niece is getting married at the end of May, and they would really like him to attend. She had tried numerous times to get hold of him, he would not answer her calls, her messages or her texts. She was very upset and could not understand what she had done wrong. Then in March he replied to her text saying he wasn't making excuses, asking how she was, said to send him an invite and gave her his address (he has offered to give me address, but I don't want it). On Monday of this week, she called him and he answered her call. She said he sounded pleased to hear from her, would like to come to their wedding if it was ok with me. If the shoe was on the other foot I would not go.
The whole time we were together I never ever had any doubts about how he felt about me, he worshipped me and there was nothing he wouldn't do for me. He was always there for me. For a very long time I didn't know how I felt about him, it took me at least a year to love him. When my Dad died he was there for me even though he had never met him - my Dad's funeral was the first time he meet my family. It must have been very hard for him. After losing my Dad, it felt like a part of me died, I became this awful #### woman who wasn't in control. How he put up with me I will never know, I'd have left me. But he stood by me no matter what I throw at him, hand on heart I was evil. I will also be honest that I didn't always make his son feel welcome, I was jealous I admit that, but I also felt very much on my own, + I knew how his ex partner felt about her son coming to stay with his dad and his partner. I was always aware how hard it must have been for his son - having his dad to himself, then suddenly there was someone else around.
When he first left, I blamed myself for the breakup, but as time has gone on I feel that his isn't about me. I feel he has a lot of issues from the past that he hasn't addressed, and suddenly they have all come to a head. Please believe when I say I don't kid myself - I'm the complete opposite. I often felt I wasn't good enough for him, but that's my own confidence issue. I do feel he has going through a bad time, but being the type of people he is won't admit to it - his attitude is 'you just get on with it'. (That comes from his mum, she is very much an 'ice maiden'). He is not the people I know and fell in love with, it's like someone has taken over him. I also know from the past, when things are not right he buries himself in his work and drinks more.
What I don't understand is how you can go from a loving relationship, from someone you loved, to completely cutting them off, unless of course you never really loved them in the first place. It's like he's erased me and his home out of his mind\life and moved on from me very quickly.
I love and miss him very much, he's in my head every waking hour. We shared so much together, he hated it when I wasn't around and would always try to arrange his evenings out on the nights I was doing something. When he'd come after an evening out, he'd always come and find me, his first words being: 'hello sweetheart, did you miss me'. He also seemed pleased so see me. Before all this happened, we had the whole house re-done and beginning of September he encouraged me to change my car, helping me to pay for it. There was no indication that he was thinking of leaving.
I am trying to understand, I spent quite a few nights trying to track back to see if I see any sign as to when he started to become unhappy with me\us. No matter how hard I try, I can't find it. My inituation tells me he's not happy and things aren't right with him, I also know he won't get or ask for help. Around his friends everything with him will appear to be normal. Maybe I am kidding myself. The hardest part is knowing there is nothing I can do. All I have done is taken is a big step back and let go. I'm trying wherever possible to get on with my life.
I myself am prone to depression and have done for most of my life. When all this happened I went down very fast, couldn't eat or sleep (I'm still not sleeping properly). Couldn't stop crying, and just wanted to shut myself away. I was signed off work for a while, and even when I did go back I couldn't concentrate. It's a awful feeling. I have a great Dr and am on anti-depressants, and I feel I will be on these for possibly the rest of my life.
Sorry this has turned out to be a bit like 'War and Peace', once I started I couldn't stop. A very big thank to everyone who has taken time to read it.
