I have doubts about joining in on anything like this but I’ll give it go. I feel like I’ve been through it all and I’m at a stand still.
Here’s my story. We’ve been married for 19 years. In October 2008, I finally had enough of our marriage. In my eyes, I knew we were done. I didn’t feel my wife wanted to be married to me anymore. I was tired of being the one staying up late at night crying and wondering why my wife was so distant. We didn’t fight. We spent a lot of time at the same places doing the same thing but just not connecting like a couple should. She seamed to be content with our relationship but I wanted more. This went on for years. We had our good times; it wasn’t all bad. Of course now she will tell you that it was 19 years of pain.
Back in October, I gave her an ultimatum and I was serious…or at least I thought I was. I told her that if she didn’t want to be in this marriage she needed to leave. I could see the hurt in her eyes and then all of sudden it’s like someone flipped a switch. She was overcome with anger like I had never seen before. She did leave and for a moment and I was somewhat glad, then the reality of what was happening finally sunk in and then I became an emotional wreck. She came home the next day so that we could work on finances and plan the divorce. Yep, I did it all…cried, begged, yelled, accused, lost almost 40 pounds, and considered suicide. I was the one who chased her out and 24 hours later I was begging for forgiveness. I know that was pretty pathetic and when I look back I’m embarrassed by how I looked and acted; it sure wasn’t the mature way to handle things.
If I wrote everything that happened between October and now you would be reading for hours, so let me give you an abbreviated version.
Mid Oct: – Big fight; wife left and came home next but only to work on finances and divorce.
Mid - Late Oct: Enjoyed movies, dinners plying cards but I was told that kind of interaction would give me to false hope so we stopped and resumed the arguing, begging, crying, etc-
Nov- Still in same house but living separately, more of the same; Starting reading books and web surfing, found lots of info but I concluded that “nothing can help me.” I’m too far gone.
Dec – Still in house, discussed divorce, I agreed to Irreconcilable Differences but after she visited her lawyer, most of what we agreed upon was changed, and she became so mean that all that mattered was that she would get whatever she wanted.
Dec – I wouldn’t release her from her share of the mortgage, she can’t afford to move out so we are still together. No divorce until house sells.
Jan – March – no more fighting; not much talking; living like roommates;
Apr – She starts texting more about little things like dinner, kids, work, etc. We talk a little more. But I think I made a mistake when I asked her to find a good book or at least watch the movie Fire Proof. She won’t do any of that, she claims she that she doesn’t need to read anything because she is sure of what she wants. Also, counseling of any kind is out of the question.
I felt that things were getting a little better, but I pushed her away again with my suggestions.
What about me? I’ve be through hell and back. But for the last three months I’ve prepared myself for anything, I can’t come out of this a loser and boy have I learned a lot through reading, counseling and talking to other couples. I have a life, I go about my business. I even quit a job I didn’t like and actually excepted another job making more money…not bad considering today’s job market.
If I could look into a crystal ball, what would I like to see? I would love to have my wife and family back. I know I don’t deserve that, that’s why I’m not begging, crying…but it would be easier than divorce and I’m convinced that I could be a good husband.
From all the forums that I read, I anticipate the first question will be, “Is there another man?” If there is, I don’t think I would be too heartbroken at this stage, in fact if I were one of you reading this I wouldn’t see how there would not be. If she is, she must be ignoring him as much as she ignored me. She’s always home except for work and grocery shopping, other than that, when she’s out either my son or daughter is with her. She could be having a text or internet affair, but I’m not curious enough to want to know.
I’m not looking for a magic answers, but I do welcome any comments or suggestions
