I figure the last one should lock soon, so I'm starting this one.
First a short synopsis: Me: 27 W: 22 S7,S8 (I have full custody from prior marriage) D1 (From this marriage)
Married: 07/2006 Baby Born: 05/2008 FIL Died: 09/2008 BOMB: 12/29/2008 (suspect OM) S: 01/06/2009 (W moved to MIL) D-Filed: 01/23/2009 (Accusing me of mental/physical cruelty) Served: 02/02/2009 Retained Atty: 02/04/2009 Retained P.I.: 02/05/2009 Confirmed OM: 02/06/2009 Answer on Grounds of Adultery: 02/09/2009
Since then some have been aware of me going into WAR mode. I'm very reactive to legal situations, and very proactive in taking the fight to whomever brought it.
I made the decision to begin moving on and focusing on the D in late March 2009. But there is still a part of me that is finding it difficult to let go in terms of a potential future.
That being said - the A is exposed but ongoing. W has shown guilt somewhat, but I have not been approached with remorse, an apology, or even a desire to discuss the situation.
Right now I'm just getting D1 on Saturdays and moving forward. I uncovered a boatload of prior evidence of W's mental history in March 2009, and have requested a Psychological Evaluation to determine custody based on a possible (likely) breakdown in her mental state since the birth of D1 and death of her father.
I am being careful not to take any actions or reactions out of anger. I am focused on doing right by D1, and my priority list is as follows:
1. D1 2. W getting help 3. M
W has not bothered approaching me, but before I'm even willing to stop the D, my required (basic) conditions are thus:
1. Total honesty/transparency/no contact 2. Counseling/etc. 3. Mental evaluation/whatever medicine/therapy is required
So... any advice is appreciated. I first confronted the A on 02/11/2009 so I'm about 2+ months past D-day. The A has been ongoing since at the earliest August 2008 and at the latest October 2008.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Any suggestions on "truth darts" I can use during this time frame?
I know Puppy is a big proponent, and I'd love to use something similar at this point assuming it doesn't affect the legal situation by coming across as too harassing.
Maybe quotes?
"People sometimes lie when the truth would serve them better."
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
You are a very remarkable person and I absolutely am in awe of your laser beam focus. You are doing the right thing in protecting your children from your wife's insanity. And I don't use that word lightly.
My h is a borderline and there is no DBing in the world that will work on these personality disorders. It's sad, but this enemy is too great and I decided to save myself instead.
As far as truth darts, I think that only one I tried actually got through, but it didn't help. My h was involved with OW, but still saying grace and crossing himself before meals, etc. The hypocrisy of it was making me sick, so I called him on it. He immediately, coincidentally abandoned his religion.
How in the hell do they delude themselves into believing that GOD loves adultery?I mean really, was this a Frank Burns/Hot Lips Houlihan situation? "HIS WILL BE DONE", LMAO!! Oh yeah, GOD has bestowed his blessing on h's unholy union.
I admire you so much for holding fast to your integrity. You and Puppy are so brilliant.
D1 took a few steps by herself this morning! I was sitting in the middle of the room and she was hanging on a daycare worker's leg, and I said "Come to daddy" and held my arms out. She took about 5-6 steps towards me before falling down. She then whimpered for a minute, then reached out to me and I picked her up. She sighed and laid her head on my shoulder.
W isn't driving her car now, not sure if she's having car trouble or wrecked it. She is driving FIL's old vehicle to work now. Something to note, not sure what it means.
I'm still communicating strictly about D1 and focusing all my energy there.
I appreciate your kind words Kimmie, as well as your assessment of the situation I find myself in. I'm not a doctor by any means, but everything I've read about BPD has had that "lightbulb effect" where all of her behavior matches up with what I've been reading. Some of the things I've read are downright eerie in the sense that they almost seem to be writing specifically about my situation.
Have been reading: SPLITTING: Protecting yourself when divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist
It even lists 3 common divorce scenarios and one of them (moderate) seems to describe my situation. I should be very thankful I didn't fall for a high-functioning Borderline... that can get pretty hairy from what I've read - and I had a friend in the Navy go through a divorce with a BPD diagnosed wife who has pretty much ruined his career with false accusations.
From what I understand about BPD, trying DB principles will not work because W is master of emotional cutoff. If I'm not communicating with her - I don't exist. She will feel bad about her A eventually, but I'm not sure what it will take for her to wake up. She seems to fit the criteria of the "Borderline Waif" from what I've read. My friend's wife was more of the "Witch" variety... similar to xW.
So I'm going to order the book "Co-dependent No More" because my IC recommended it after I discussed my prior relationship patterns.
Best thing I can do right now is continue documenting via audio/video/journal all of W's behavior and our conversations so that she isn't able to make up anything wild.
Right now the only personal interaction I have with W is on Saturday morning and evening. Outside of that I text-message 4-5 times per week to ask about D1. Amazingly, the communication breakdown is also something that is textbook for Non-BP's to resort to out of instinct from what I've read... so learning a lot about myself as well.
So... GAL, work on me, and see what happens. Everything else should take care of itself. I keep having weak moments, but ultimately remind myself of a few key facts:
1. You can't guilt-trip a wayward. Even if you succeed in making them feel horrible about themselves - it was you who did it and that doesn't attract them back. 2. They have to come to the realization on their own - or not at all. The best thing you can do for yourself is give up control of their behavior - because you'll only drive yourself crazy. 3. Focus on yourself, become independent, and take care of any children you have. One way or the other, you'll be in a better place when you get to decision-time. If you take back a wayward when you are emotionally drained, you invite cake-eating.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Today has been going fine. D1 continued her walking by herself yesterday and promptly fell into something and has a mark on her forehead.
This morning she was a bit tired acting, and just wanted me to hold her so I did. She just sighed and rested her head on my shoulder.
I have mixed emotions... started posting on a BPD support forum as well to discuss some PD related issues. Trying to integrate SET communication (Support/Empathy/Truth) so I can be 'heard' when I discuss things with W, because right now she disconnects whenever I start discussing anything 'real.'
On the one hand I'm fighting my urge to "save" the woman who doesn't want to be saved and my urge to fight like hell through the D in order to prevent there from being future manipulation attempts through the court system - something SPLITTING recommends.
Read some more websites, and re-read "I hate you - don't leave me" and found an example (written in 1980) that describes my situation to a T. Woman has a baby, her father dies 5 months later, she starts multiple A's, same background/family history as my W - almost eerie the exact similarities in the details I'm handling, i.e. baby in May 2008, death of FIL in Sep 2008, A starting around the same time, etc.
Based on reading, I have a dilemma, where by "going dark" I am in essence being cut off emotionally and W's abandonment triggers have been fired (the initial allegations/angry reactions/control of D1). Currently my low-contact of text-messaging about D1, etc. keeps us in the playground of the sane, and should help me in minimizing her attempts to escalate the D through more and larger allegations - which will occur as she gets "painted black" through the proceedings.
This will guarantee a D unless her A collapses abruptly (likely as OM disappoints) - at which point she either moves onto someone else or attempts to "hoover" me back. Both possible scenarios I am considering - both unhealthy in the sense that if she comes to me professing remorse, apologies, etc. - I can only trust that if she goes into long-term therapy and shows actual drive to improve herself - otherwise I'm holding out hope for nothing.
On the flip-side, attempts to salvage my M could require me initiating contact, "proving" that I'm not abandoning her, establishing a healthy relationship, and handling her abuse without judgment until she decides on her own to get therapy. This runs the risk of further "acting out" behaviors that could put me at further jeopardy in the D if she makes up something wild.
So from a practical standpoint, I've got to focus on the D and hope that W approaches me and is receptive to the idea of going into therapy.
Seems like I have a better chance flying to the moon and back strapped to a banana.
Realistically I think it is going to be a slow process of Gestalt conditioning of rewarding good behaviors and setting boundaries and enforcing consequences for bad behaviors.
Not a healthy relationship in other words.
Married people shouldn't have to relate to each other like this.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
There is something odd in the air... I just have a feeling something is going to change in the near future, for good or ill.
Since the drama started, each day I have had a separate Bible verse that seemed to relate in some way to the events of the day. Today's verse is this:
I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith. ~2 Timothy iv. 7
I'm not sure what to make of it... today I removed all pictures of my W from my myspace profile (our main contact outside of texting) - while she still lists me as her "wonderful husband."
Arrived home at the same time as OM. Last night he was talking to other neighbors and they just stared at me when I arrived home. Seems like the party is over or something.
Maybe it is nothing... just get the feeling that maybe W is not liking reality atm. Ebbs and flows I'm sure, she probably just hasn't had the OM fix in a while.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
One of the nosy neighbor's kids and OM's nephew wanted to play with S7/S8. Told them not today, but I hate that the nature of the illicit relationship has broken down the feelings around the neighborhood and escalated the drama. I'm just not comfortable having my kids play over there at this point - but they don't understand why they can't see their friends right now.
Reading on a BPD support forum and lots of familiar settings. I don't believe I've seen more than a couple (out of hundreds) of successful reconciliations. Although attempted reconciliation by BP's are apparently quite common... no matter how badly they treat you they want to come back like nothing happened.
Makes me think it is stupid to hold out hope when the percentage she'll eventually want to come back is very high - but the percentage she'll cheat again is very high as well. From most of what I've read, it takes 5+ years of consistent therapy for a BP to show consistent change, and even then the BP has to want to change.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I think the one thing I didn't take into account is I think you mentioned she filed first with an attack. I would say in that case your back is up against a wall at that point. But fighting and a war is so hard. I also pointed out your wrong in the marriage because I am sure it broke her heart and hurt her badly. She loved you and I am sure trusted you and you did something to break that trust and also damaged her self esteem. My soon to be X is making me out like I am wild and going crazy in his vendetta. But truth be with kid's, school, and work. I don't have time to be wild. Am I changing yes I am. I am happy and so much more relaxed. I am rebuilding my self esteem and living life again. I started bowling, and going hiking and actually hanging out with friend's when I have free time. Sometimes it's for dinner, sometime's boating and a picnic, or a concert. Or sometimes it's to a club to listen to a band. I have never been a big drinker my whole life. Maybe two glasses of wine a year. Also am very anti drug and anti partying. My ex though is making me out to be some irresponsible person who goes out partying. When for years he told me how boring I was because he was a drinker.
DCBHM, can you have the kids over to your house? Are HIS kids inviting them over to play? Thats icky.
I dont think that in the event of a reconciliation, you would be out of line at all requesting that she goes to therapy. But its not unusual for BPD people to stop therapy, or medication when they start to feel better (Im cured!). They have to want to get better, for themselves, their kids, whatever, it has to be their idea. I have noticed some almost sociopathic tendencies in some BP people, its about them, and what makes them feel good right now. Whats the big deal? Im not happy, and thats what matters.
I hope that you arent making a mistake by "painting her black" in court. Sometimes the D proceedings can be a chance for you to show each other that you have changed. Im not saying that will happen in your case, or that she has changed at all, but hasnt your M been hurt enough? I know that you have all this documentation, but is it necessarily wise to use it right off the bat? Maybe this is a chance to have your M euthanized rather than beaten to death. Im not even necessarily making a suggestion by saying this, mostly just thinking out loud.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I was sitting in the middle of the room and she was hanging on a daycare worker's leg, and I said "Come to daddy" and held my arms out. She took about 5-6 steps towards me before falling down. She then whimpered for a minute, then reached out to me and I picked her up. She sighed and laid her head on my shoulder.