I'm ready to wake up now...........

[Silent Chrleader]

OK, my dear dear DB friends, I have been here more than a year and thus one would think I would be getting to be an "old hand" at this stuff and reaching a level of confidence and wisdom by now.........but apparently I'm what my good ole' Aunt Shirley would call "a late bloomer"! [She always used this term in reference to my brother, not me though!! ]

Here are my old threads should anyone desire some scintilating reading!!

Thread 1
Thread 2
Thread 3
Thread 4
Thread 5
Thread 6

Today, I went to the 3 Dr appointments. Mammogram......followed by annual (complete with final STD check from H having slept with me after the "secretary"), ......followed by meeting with Dr to talk about my AD med.......followed by lab work. That's enough pokin' and proddin' in one day than anybody should have to tolerate!!

My Doc is switching me from Paxil to Zoloft in the hopes that I will have less problems with mood swings (i.e. "just don't give a sh**", then 5 minutes later "maybe I can sneak over to the new OW's house and put some flaming doggie doo on her doorstep!")

Not really..... I'm really trying to get a sense of humor about all this! The Doc was impressed at my tales of woe from the last year. He finally asked if there was one thing I wanted to "target", just one, what would that be. I started to say the paragon OW of course, but then realized that probably wasn't one of his "viable" options. So, I went with the "getting rid of these freakin' blues" answer!! I'm tired of just wanting to stay in bed all the time! The Zoloft supposedly has less of the "sedating" side effect so hopefully it will be better.

However, I also have a long history of panic disorder, so I'm hoping that the "stimulating" properties of Zoloft don't send me flying straight into "the screaming meemees!" [i.e. cycles panic attacks that can last up to 8 hours] Fun times!!

S18 didn't do his promised work today, so I had to yank him up by his boot straps. My mom is upset because I haven't called her and ......... well, she's old and nosy and loves me as I do her (dearly!) but I don't tell her things because then she either gets mad and goes off the deep end and want to call H or starts harranging me to file for divorce, or......she sluffs it off with a "Oh just get over it already!" Neither of these is a good answer (but then there are not good answers), so I just try to keep her out of it. She doesn't need the upset and neither do I. And today she went off the deep end about S18's "shenanigans" and I told D24 this was why I didn't tell her anything......which she overheard.........yep, gotta call and soothe the old bat's feathers.......oops I means "old dear's feathers".......Just kidding!!! (D24, don't you dare tell her I said that!!)

I found out today that D24 has been spying on me here on the boards. (Hi sweetie!) She thinks you all give me great advice! I just need to follow it better.... yea, yea, I know!

This evening I went over to the house and got a lot of great cuddle time with my baby girl! And D24 made us all dinner. I am very proud of the woman she is becoming.

So, I'm not feeling like much of a DB success story by any means (and I know success does not just mean reconciliation). But, I am hangin' in there and trying to be the best me I can be. I have my kids and they love me! And the rest of my family who I love with all my heart even when they are at their most "dysfuntional". And I have my job (a good thing in these times even if I hate it sometimes). I have friends here and in RL who I can count on to be there for me when I need it. All in all, I know I am lucky. So......

To infinity........and beyond!!!!!!

Or at least until tomorrow.......

Hugs to all!!! {{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}

[brandnewday]

You do realize that this is a l-o-n-g freaking journey and just because you have been doing this for over a year doesn't mean that it's over ........

We all gets antsy and want things to move along faster, one way or the other.

I think when I hit the 18 month part I grew very restless and wanted this to just stop.

I would give myself a mental time out from the Marriage stuff, and try to focus on other things.

Hang in there,

((((hugs))))

[SChrldr's D24]

Yeah Yeah, I know Mom, I won't tell her you said anything. I decided it might be a good idea to get my own account to put in my two cents when I thought it necessary. No I won't be posting, not unless I see something worth being vocal about.

Yes, to all who are confused, I am SC's D24, the one who had a baby she didn't know she was pregnant with. (Labor HURTS!!!! But it was how we found out LOL.) I'm not gonna be active here per say, mainly cuz I'm getting married soon, not divorced (WOOHOO!) I just wanna say thanks to everyone here who has been helping my Mom thru all the stuff my Dad has been putting her thru. I've been telling her the same stuff you all do. Yes I know, spying on her isn't the best idea, but how else am I gonna find out where she keeps getting all the awesome advice she never listens to? *grins* Hopefully now I won't need to.

[kjensen]

SC-
You are a success! A daughter and son who love you and support you is more success than many of us get! Good luck with the AD stuff-it is hard to find the right medication! I'm glad you are speaking up and not settling for an AD that isn't serving you well-brain chemicals are tricky! My H won't be "the squeaky wheel" with his med nurse and tell her the two ADs he's tried are making him stay in the bathroom an awful lot! So good for you!

I was thinking, with all of this MLC stuff-we sure to become uber-focused on our spouses/relationships/OW/A/marriage. What the heck did our brain do before this crisis and turmoil all happened? What were we thinking about? I'd like to get back to that time even if my brain was just on 'screensaver' some of the time!

[sandycay]

Hey to D24... your so funny postimg here! I told T I was gonna bug her and she let's me sometime. Hopefully I will get to meet that pretty baby soon!

T... got your email late tonight. Thank you for the sentiments. I didn't tell you cause honestly I was chicken it makes me feel like chit. I hate it that you've been so down and I don't know it makes me somewhat uncomfortable that things here are going well. Is that weird? I so wish that for you!

R leaves next week for a month so we can get some girl time in!

You know this is when I strugglem just when things get good.... figures.... I hope I don't blow it!

[Silent Chrleader]

...You are a success! A daughter and son who love you and support you is more success than many of us get!.....

Yes, you're right, and I am so very grateful I have them! They are the light of my life and really, in many ways, the very reason I keep going sometimes. Even when they are a pain in the backside, I wouldn't trade them for anything......nor would I give a plug nickel for others like them either, but I digress...... [My grandfather used to say that to us kids......and since my D24 is watching........]

... .. H won't be "the squeaky wheel" with his med nurse and tell her the two ADs he's tried are making him stay in the bathroom an awful lot! ......

This made me laugh! Perhaps I'm naive, but I'm not sure why an AD would make him go to the bathroom.....??? But, I can relate anyway because there's a reason my H calls me "peanut bladder".....

...I'd like to get back to that time even if my brain was just on 'screensaver' some of the time!

Me too!!!! I told my Doctor that I was really ready to wake up now.....thus the name for this thread!

BND, I know that a year is nothing comparatively speaking. And patience is not my strong suit at all. I often wish that I could have like an earphone that I wear as I move through my life with all the wise people I have had the privilege of "knowing" on these boards on the other end, so you could all tell me what to do and say that I won't regret later! People like yourself, BND, and yellowrose, and snodderly, and 25years, and Puppy, and Babygirl, and Glam, and sandycay, and......the list goes on.

I have been talking more to the guy from that dating site. We have yet to actually meet, but we have had some pretty amazing conversations on the phone. I don't know what to think or feel about that. He makes me laugh. H has a GF and is moving in with her. I don't think he is coming back. This other guy seems so much more down to earth and easy going and genuine. I guess time will tell......

[brandnewday]

Just remember, the "online" guy is filling that empty void.

Giving you validation and making you feel good about yourself.

Kinda how the OW does for your Husband.

Keep things in their proper perspective and take it SLOW!!!!!!

((((hugs))))

[Silent Chrleader]

Just remember, the "online" guy is filling that empty void.

Giving you validation and making you feel good about yourself.

Kinda how the OW does for your Husband.

Keep things in their proper perspective and take it SLOW!!!!!!

((((hugs))))

I know, BND. You are totally right. The flirting and stuff is such a salve to my to battered emotions. I have talked to my C about him and I have been totally open and honest with him about my situation and my fears and concerns........not just for getting hurt, but for hurting him as well.

But, he is going through some tough times too and we just seem to be filling that void for each other. And we haven't actually "met" yet, so there's a kind of security in anonymity that has allowed us to open up a bit more with each other than we otherwise would have. It's an interesting dynamic going on, but I am trying to keep things in perspective and yes, take it SLOW!

Thank you for your continued "mentorship" of me [[[[[BND]]]]]. I really appreciate the help keeping my feet on the ground!

[sunshinelewis]

SC, I have thought about a dating site. I dont think I am ready to date but I think I am ready for a distraction.

It's so much easier for our MLCers/WAS because they have that distraction.
I feel so alone. I dont like that feeling either.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Y'all.

Well, I'm back in the house. Still have a lot of un-packing to do.......

Had an issue with H late last week. He didn't like the wording of an e-mail I sent regarding the house (actually it was a reply to an e-mail he sent me). Anyway, he took exception to my wording and threatened to "let the lawyers play". I kept my cool though (hung up on him 2x when he wouldn't stop talking his disrespectful attitude). I think he may have been drinking. Anyway, the next day he sent an e-mail that outlined his "plan" for getting the house done (which will take upwards of a year to do). But, I understand that because we just don't have the money ......

I am going to see a lawyer though because he sent me a proposed budget today that I want advice on. Such as, if declare bankruptcy and the judge allows a home for each of us because we are seperated, does that then reduce my claim on the dream house since that is the one "alloted as his" for the bankruptcy purposes (if indeed the state allows him to do that which I'm not totally conviced they will).

Also, H is now terming the co-pays for C for S18 and me as "luxuries" that he won't allow for (H has stopped his C). I'm pretty sure H underestimated his income a touch(didn't show his raise from his promotion).

H went to dream house for the weekend. Pretty sure he took OW. I so hate that! He promised he wouldn't......I know, I know. Small potatoes. But it still hurts.

T (guy from dating site) is still calling pretty much every day and texting. I like him. He still makes me laugh, but we've also had some serious talks too. At minimum I have a friend in him (but he is openly hoping for more). I have been very honest with him about everything (including the fact that he is not likely to get "lucky" with me any time soon if ever!) and he still wants to meet me.

I'm really not sure how I want to proceed from here. I am feeling weepy a LOT, but the Dr said the new med will take a couple weeks at least to kick in. I'm hoping it helps with the depression (i.e. tired all the time, weepy, no motivation).

I've been thinking about my whole past with H. I remember one time a couple years ago when he had been being so edgy and combative and I asked him if we could just take a month to not fight at all and just be accepting and supportive of the other and not judging. Just to love each other as we were for a month. He said he couldn't do that. When I asked why, he said because he just couldn't. He always contended that he couldn't "respect" me because what was there about me to respect. I wasn't a "Suzy Homemaker" but I wasn't a "Career Woman" either, so what the he** was I? I couldn't answer that question. I agreed with him. I felt I was lucky to have him and I made no bones about telling him so, and he agrees with me!

What does it say about me that I sit here in tears over a guy who doesn't care that neither of his kids want to be around him, and he says he needs space and doesn't have anything to give a relationship any more, and then 2 months later has a girlfriend and is moving in with her.

He has said he feels very clear on what he wants and is very happy with the direction he is going in. I don't see him looking back at all. And even if he did ever want to come back, if I took him back, how could he ever have respect for me then? How could I respect myself?

I'm so angry at myself right now! Why do I have such a tough time really letting go and moving on?!! I never thought of myself as such a freakin' wuss!!