Hey hows it going obviously not good as we are all here, anyway this is the 5th day of NC with my WAW, lol......I know i say that as if it is some huge accomplishment compared to what is in store for me im sure 5 days is nothing. Basically im writing today because i usually call WAW on sunday to talk to her and see how she is and im struggling very bad to not break NC right now but i really feel that i will break down on the phone with her or that i will lose any ground i might have gained at all if any with her over the last 5 days. Its hard for me because i am questioning the NC because although it is a total 180 for me it is feeding right into her demands she stated she wanted NC with me and that those were her boundries that she could not talk to me until she was over me and then we could be friends...but if i try to get back with her when we are friends that we will not be friends.
The other reason is that i was at mcdonalds today after i got done fishing and i saw a little girl with her mother she was maybe 3-4 she had long blonde hair (W has blonde/brown hair) and was happy as could be. W and I have been discussing children for the past month before she left and felt it was finally going to be time in the next 1-2 years after waiting 13 years. I was pretty sad i wondered did i miss out on having a family because i did not help out around the house enough.
I also am struggling with the NC due to the fact that my W has apologized to me maybe 3x in 13yrs it is just not her way so im scared that going NC is just helping her throw me away.
Finally after my long vent session my ??????
I work shifts basically i work 3 14hr shifts, this week I work Mon,Tues,Wed., and then I am off untill the following Wed. due to my schedule changing to Thurs,Fri,Sat. So I will basically have 7 days off I was considering driving to Ohio and dropping the dogs that she totally adores and misses off at her moms to let her see them. And me if she wanted.....and yes that is the whole problem I dont know if that would be to pushy or pursuey, I dont even think she would see me.
Also the dogs have a vet appt. on 5/5 and she stated that she wants to pay for the vet because they are her dogs. I dont know if i should just let her pay to avoid confrontation of not let her pay because she has always felt like she has to be my mother. So basically i am confused???????
thanks for the sound advice, i was truly in the dumps today trying so hard to stick to my guns and have NC and then..........? Guess who called??????? You r absolutely right, she did i have to admit i was totally nervous like a little school girl on prom night, but i think i did ok i made a few mistakes but for the first contact i think i did ok.
She called to talk her voice was a bit apprehensive at first but she called and asked if i wanted to talk i replyed i did. So we began talking and she said that she wanted to come home(chicago) this weekend and get some of her stuff her school books and some of her other knick nacks that remind her of home(she is in Ohio) and i choked it back and said to her that that was a good idea and asked if she would feel more comfortable if i were not here and she replied that no she wanted me to be there.
So one of the mistakes i definately made was i stayed on the phone way to long we talked for close to 3.5hrs, i know the book says to not carry on long conversations, but i could not control myself, to finally hear her voice and her laugh was a incredible feeling. She was telling me all about her sisters trip to vegas, how she went out with friends and stuff like that, I told her about working out, how i had actually been cleaning and keeping the house clean. She asked if i had been fishing i kinda chukled and replied as much as possible she laughed and we just kept on talking.
I at no point in the conversation broke down or pursued her we talked as friends. She was pretty inquisitive about the counseling I am recieving and what are we working on, that type of thing at one point listing off some of the things that were problems lack of communication,anger(on both of our parts),not cleaning...etc.
I wasnt sure how to handle it but i figured a good 180 would be to offer to bring the dogs to see her and bring the stuff that she wanted this weekend since I will be off for the 7 days. I told her that I understand how she feels about the seperation and that this was her show that if she wants to be friends that is what i want to, I also told her that she knows how i feel and that I dont need to tell her that stuff that if she feels this will make her happy to be seperated that i was totally ok with it that i was taking this time to work on me. We have been best friends for 13yrs. so if she truly does not love me and we r over I want to maintain our great friendship it is very important to me.
She is supposed to text on tuesday to let me know if she is coming up hear this weekend or if she wants me to drive to ohio, which would not be bad anyway because i could see my family and stuff.
I am happy right now just because i have missed her laugh so much, but i am not putting much stock in it she told me point blank that she did not want to get back together she wanted to be friends and so do i that is better than nothing. She told me that she has not been bad mouthing me and that she has just been telling people that I make a great best friend, but a great partner not so much.
So lay it on me im open for all criticism and advice....please I truly love this woman.
One thing i forgot I caught myself rehash the past a few times and tried to not do that as much as possible. I know very bad, im trying so hard believe me i really want to change for me 1st and for her.
Thanks for replying again, 1 thing we talked about was that before the seperation, she was sitting in the computer room and i got up at 5am to go fish so i could spend the rest of the day working on the yard. When i got home she said that it was such a beautiful day out that i should go fish the rest of the day, she said or i should take her car for an alignment(the dealer I work at doesnt have an alignment rack) or i could work in the yard. She seemed to almost be encouraging my love for fishing.
So i chose fishing she told me last night that that was a test the fishing represented my wants (being selfish), the alignment represented her wants, and the yard work represented our wants as a couple. And I chose to go fishing. which i actually did not go i called a buddy to see if he wanted to go and he could not so i did yard work. But that decision hurt her very bad and that is what made her decide she had enough and needed to seperate.
yeah i totally bombed the NC today, i know i suk i feel horrible about myself, I was at work and she texted me and we ended up texting back and fourth like 4-5x not fighting or anything, mostly just about work, and i know she was working on her thesis paper, so im sure she was getting pissed. But now i feel like i blew it, so back to NC tommorow she is supposed to text me and tell me if she wants me to come to ohio or if she is comign here. Either way anybody ever do this im afraid i scared her off again. Back to NC. i suk
First of all, you don't suck. The negative self talk is not good. You talked to her, so what? It was less than the marathon conversation you had the other day right? Just don't do it again. It's normal to want to talk to her you know. It doesn't make you failure or a loser. It makes you human. If she's supposed to text you tomorrow then just let her and when she does just say ok. If she says to bring the dogs tomorrow say ok what time? If she says not to bring the dogs say ok. Then don't say anything else. No long sentences about ok, I hope you have a good weekend. Just ok. If she prolongs the conversation great, keep the answers short and to the point. Don't be rude, just don't leave open ended responses.
Instead of putting yourself down think of how you did better than the last time. Tell yourself that you're going to do better next time. Stop telling yourself that you suck or making yourself feel badly. You are your own champion and your own cheerleader. GO TEAM YOU!!!
thanks for the kind words i am just so afraid to lose her forever she is everything to me. I miss her alot i never thought she would leave me. I never thought i would be alone. I thought i treated her good i tried ireally did i worked hard to get her a house that she wants nothing to do with now and i am here alone and everything in this house reminds me of her.
