I am still here and I need some HELP

[whitneypinch]

Some of you know my story.
My WAW and I have been split up since dec. 2007. We are divorced now.
We get along well and text each other almost everyday. It is usually just about our two kids. We send each other photos of the kids when they are away from each of us. Seems like there are not too many issues with my ex and she is calm.
We see each other about once a month at drops offs etc.
I asked her if she wanted to do something fun sometime?
Here is how she responded "I like the idea of us getting together for coffee or something every now and then."

My responce to her was "Ya, ok, except neither of us drink coffee. You let me know when and I will come up with something fun and light."

I know most of you would jump at this opportunity but I just wonder what is the best way to handle this.

[still hopeful]

Whitney,

Hello again. My advice is that as long as you are still open to the option of reconciling, play it slow like you did and show interest in response to her display of interest... but only most of the time, which may involve you being 'conveniently' busy so you don't appear 'needy.' Another option is to give her YOUR available times from which to choose from for a get together, i.e. Sunday afternoon til 5pm; T evening between 5 and 9pm; TH morning before work. Again, this is just an example and a thought. Good luck to you and don't put terribly much stock into a sign of positive move. One positive sign is good. Two positive signs is a direction. Three positive signs is a pattern. Good luck to you.

[whitneypinch]

H again Tom,
I still follow your threads as well.
Yes, I guess that is all I can do. I have thrown it back in her court to let me know when she is available and then I will plan something light and fun.

[still hopeful]

Work to NOT pursue regardless of how you feel. Work on YOU still. Make every effort to improve who you are, at least a little bit, in SOME way, every day. Your efforts are your gift to YOU and your children. SHOW them what an authentic man is. Answers to your questions are all around you. If you don't know the answers to the questions you have, rest assured that the answers exist somewhere with someone on you MUST resolve yourself to your own focused exhaustive search to find them.

Regardless of your own hopeful feelings, hold yourself back from appearing needy. Continue GAL. Continue growing. Continue focusing on yourself and your children. Be receptive, but not a pushover. Be too busy to take her up on an offer every now and again.

Good luck my friend. I wish you well. As you are reading in my sitch, it's taken another turn and I'm working to step back, let go, and still stand firm on what is right for me and my children. I am beginning to see the light that others have repeatedly shined directly in my eyes, but for now, I will work on releasing my grip and praying for God to reveal His will to me.

[whitneypinch]

Yes, there lies the challenge for me. My ex and I have beencoe friendly enough that I am able to tell her I miss her. Of course I am sure that comes across as needy.So yes...I need to step back, let go as well.

[whitneypinch]

Ok, my WAW and I have become much more friendly on the phone. We even send texts saying good night etc., sometimes with hugs.
Our 6 year old daughter is really have a hard time with all of this and is now crying at night for mommy and daddy to be back together.
So I suggested to my XW we should do something fun together. She said great. So today I went to the driving range with her. She has taken up golf. I don't play but I was really good at driving.
We had a fun time with no tension or issues at all.
She did not have the sparkle in her eye for me anymore. I could see that.
So, unfortunately it looks like I am going to be one of those divorces that are going to stick. We had everything in alignment for reconciliation. I GAL, did the 180's, became an awesome father, the anger is gone, we have become friendly, we have done stuff together etc. but no results.
Yes, I know I have grown so much and really have become a better person and a great dad. I really thought that if we had a great time together that I would at least see the twinkle in her eyes. Sadly, I did not. I am just really, really hurting right now.
It's so hard to love someone and work so hard to make it work for the family and it's just not there.

[JMC]

So, unfortunately it looks like I am going to be one of those divorces that are going to stick.

Sorry you are in pain. I can empathize with your post, as I too would like to have my marriage restored. However, I have come to learn of couples getting back together many years after the divorce. I would suggest that sending texts good night is a good start. It seems to me that having an ex with whom you can be civil is a positive, versus the negative energy it takes to engage in a hostile relationship. I am by no means an expert, but I feel that you and I must both be patient and continue to take care of ourselves and treat others as we would like to be treated. That is what I keep telling myself anyway. I hope things get better for you.

[whitneypinch]

Thanks so much JMC,
I appreciate all you feedback.
I was so selfish before my bomb. I have become so kind, appreciative and caring for everyone I come in contact with. This has been the best and the worst thing ever to happen to me in my life. Yes, I know people do get back together years later but I just thought I would see a tiny glimmer in her eyes. So, yes, I will continue on being the best I can be and continue to learn and grow.
I just don't want to be a single dad. I just miss my family sooooo much !!!!

[JMC]

Hope things are going better for you Whitney. Your comment about the best and worst thing to ever happen reminded me of something a friend said to me upon hearing of my separation. He himself is on his second marriage, and had no kids from his first marriage. I do not know too many details regarding his first M, but he told me that someone said to him "this may be the best worst thing that ever happens to you."

It is always amazing to me, and I share this thought with my friends who have no clue, that there are so many people going through, or already have gone through, this process and that so many of the stories are the same. MLC is like a checklist. An acquaintance at church told me a year ago that his W wanted him to move out. I relayed to him much of what I have learned and he kept saying 'yeah, she did say that, and I do think there is an OM, etc..'

I very much miss my family. I have a wonderful grown D (adopted my ex's daughter, but she IS my daughter) with whom I have a great relationship, but I still miss doing things as a family with her mother involved. Regardless, it sometimes is comforting to know there are others out there going through the same thing, and I keep telling myself that God would not give me something I could not handle.

[whitneypinch]

Well, things have taken yet another turn.
I pushed on my ex to go out again and she panicked. She wanted to make sure we were only going to go out as friends and that there were no expectations. I will tell you that one person can only take so much.
I told her that we could still be friends but that I thought that we should only go out if she initiated it. The truth is I really should have never initiated any of this. My DB coach pointed that out.

So I am in limbo land. Ex would go out again and is friendly, but it's too painful to be around her and see that she does not care in the way I do.

We have 2 little kids that are both hurting. I just don't get why my ex does not want to explore anything between us. But like most on this board, we will never get it.

Since we have 2 kids I can't seem to get away from all of this. I think I really have to "try" to detach and only respond to her contact. I have tried this in the past but don't seem to have the strength to pull it off. She sucks me back in every time I try.