i want to thank you for the posts and advice u have give me. although i do not post often, i have followed your posts in the last year and have truly learned from you and your way of thinking and have applied the knowledge i have gained from you to my own situation (as recent as last night!)
not all marriages can be saved, that is very true. there comes a point where we just cannot put ourselves through the wait any longer or we realize it just will not ever work.
but, by waiting as long as you have and trying as hard as you did, you certainly gave your marriage every chance you could and for that you should commend yourself.
you know in your heart you gave it your all and you should have no regrets.
i wish you the best.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Puppy, I'm in the same city as you and recently went thru my own divorce. I feel for you, I really do. I feel like I tried everything I could to save my marriage but I ended up being the one who filed. My ex wife also has mental issues(diagnosed Bipolar but I see more symptons of Borderline myself) that made our marriage very difficult. I wasted alot of time trying to fix her only to realize you cant fix someone who doesnt wish to be fixed.
Have you taken the required class for divorcing parents yet? I started the process in November and it was almost 6 months before the divorce was final. It was uncontested and me and my ex used a paralegal to help us fill out all the forms we needed. We had each retained lawyers but decided that if we could agree on most things the thousands and thousands of dollars that would be saved could help us each provide a nicer place for our daughter. Our incomes are similar so no alimony or child support was needed since we are splitting time about 50/50.
I dont suggest divorce for anyone when kids are involved but one half of the couple can only do so much. I wont sugarcoat it, it can be lonely on the days I dont have my daughter. But being in the marriage I was in was lonely everyday! My daughter seems to be doing very well since we co-parent much better than co-spouse'd.
I dunno, maybe it's because I'm about 0-for-4 on trying counselors -- they all sukk.
I'm about 2 for 4 myself (IC and MC). I don't know that they help so much except they give you an hour to vent every week or 2 and even friends & family don't want to listen to that much venting prob. I find this place, friends, therapy, church, exercise, GALing, it all works for me in combo.
There was only one counselor in my town, I tried her, but she really only wanted to try to ease the D, she and I werent on the same page.
I agree with Karen, a local pastor was great, an odd thing about Alaska is the abundance of churches, and I did drive for an hour to meet with another counselor a few times. I got along with her better, but she also seemed more interested in Divorce counseling than MC. A combo of these boards, and the pastor were the best for me, I also did the phone counseling.
I think its also important to remember that your kids arent there for MC, so maybe the C that didnt work for you would be effective for your kids. I would try to find someone who specializes in kids, maybe even kids in a divorce. Dont be afraid to ask them how often they deal with your sitch, or whatever questions you may have. Any medicine is a business, and if they want your business they will treat you like a paying customer.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
[quote] [Well, you can DB all you want & as hard as you can but at some point sometimes it's not enough. Like in my case. And maybe Puppy's. /quote]
Also I think that maybe , just maybe taking it all the way to D after trying Dbing for so long may be the last resort. Sometimes you need to complete the process and see what rises from the ashes.
Percentages - 17% of divorced couples remarry . So who knows. Makes sense to me if all else fails.
.....Percentages - 17% of divorced couples remarry . So who knows. Makes sense to me if all else fails.
I read that book too, Pollyanna!
So funny what we will grab onto that allows us to cling to hope..... sad too.
Puppy, you once gave me some much needed encouragement by telling me you wanted to stand up and cheer for the woman that I was the night I found out about my H's PA, and I told him what I felt without crying or breaking down. To this day I will think of what you said when I get really down and it helps me to strive to be strong and true to myself even if it's not "good DBing".
You are a good man, Pup! Hang in there! The woman who wins your heart one day will be a lucky dame!!!!
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
.....Percentages - 17% of divorced couples remarry . So who knows. Makes sense to me if all else fails.
I read that book too, Pollyanna!
So funny what we will grab onto that allows us to cling to hope..... sad too.
Puppy, you once gave me some much needed encouragement by telling me you wanted to stand up and cheer for the woman that I was the night I found out about my H's PA, and I told him what I felt without crying or breaking down. To this day I will think of what you said when I get really down and it helps me to strive to be strong and true to myself even if it's not "good DBing".
You are a good man, Pup! Hang in there! The woman who wins your heart one day will be a lucky dame!!!!
Posts like this really encourage me, SC. We get so busy in our lives, and we think we're just treading water and not really making a difference, and then someone from across the cyber-universe who you don't even know reminds you that you touched them in some way, and all of a sudden you see PURPOSE in your life again.
I try to exhort, to call people up to all that I believe God has intended for them. Many times that's also consistent with DB, and sometimes it's not, but I always call 'em as I see 'em. As a Christian, the hardest thing is to know when God wants me to turn the other cheek, and when He wants me to throw over the moneychangers' tables. Most of the time, it's something in-between -- we are to lovingly detach, hold up our boundaries, and enforce them without hate or venom.
It's rewarding to see so many people on here GROW. Sometimes I focus on everyone's PAIN, and it gets really sad and discouraging, but other times you see the growth and you know that thru pain, God can accomplish great things in our lives, if we let Him.
