I have been married for almost 15 years.. got married at 24, wanted to get married and start a family. We had alot of struggles at first financially, infertility, adoption and now some major health issues on my husbands part. I have been on antidepressants for the better half of our marraige, there have been times that depression debilitated me, so I was put on a "maintenance" dose. For at least the last 10 years, except for this last year..my husband was overly involved w/ things on his computer. It wasnt porn or women, it was graphic clubs and gaming and so forth. He totally zoned out when he came home and when we had small children, he escaped downstairs to the computer. I told him several times how i didnt like it and wanted him around us more, but he says he didnt see it as a problem, but now he does. Our sex life was nill, he came to me the fall of last year and said he felt like we had become "business" partners and had no relationship, and wanted to work on it. My first thought was that he was concerned about not having sex, b/c he never cared about us spending time together before. So i agreed to come off my antidepressants for a while to see if I could get an improvement in my sex drive. I did this and we started actively trying to go out and have date night. Then he had a major health episode, cardiac related and he is young (37) he was hospitalized and had a few months at home recovering. Before he got ill, we had been exploring sexual issues and not to get too graphic on here, but I stumbled into a sex chat site as I was looking for something else. It peaked my curiousity, and i got involved slowly. This is something Very out of character for me, but after coming off those antidepressants and having my sex drive return and finding this site, it was all a big rush. He knew I was going on and he knew how much, but soon I was on it more and more, and he didnt like it. As he was recovering from his health issue, I used it as an escape mechanism, i could go on there and dissapear, it was the most wonderful relief I had. I didnt have any problems on there, i was someone else. It finally got to the point where he said he didnt want me to go on anymore, and I said that I would try to cut back but I wasnt ready to just stop, i felt it was a harmless exploration of my sexuality.. these were strangers, i would never know or meet. Resentment built up and he asked again. Finally, I said I needed to go to therapy to try to stay off the antidepressants and I suggested he go also, to help w/ the after affects of his illness. So we are both in individual counseling. Then we decided to go to marraige counseling b/c we could not come to an agreement on the sex chat site. We have been going there for a few weeks. Sorry this is getting long.. The sexual aspect of the website had worn off and i was becoming dependent on it for socialization. I am a stay at home mom w/ two small children, not any friends outside the home and no real activities. I used to work full time before we started a family. He hacked in my computer and got all my passwords and went through my account on there and read emails from people..which Im sure was hurtful.. and i have done some pretty brazen things on there.. but I have never meant it to be to replace him..So now he feels I have had an Affair through the site and has given me an ultimatum to quit. So i did.. two days ago. i deleted the account and unlocked my account on my desktop. I am having a suprisindly difficult time, I have come to realize how lonely I actually am.. I dont understand how you can be surrounded by peopel that you know love you, yet be so incredibly lonely.I am really angry about him hacking all my stuff b/c now i dont even feel i can have an honest email w/ my best friend who is out of state..I get his position.. 10 years ago if i could have hacked into his to see what all he was doing.. i would have done the same.. but i am still angry. We have had some very honest conversations over the past few months.. we had a teenager who we had raised since he was 4 leave to go live w/ his mother after 12 years, just last month. That boy and the little kids occupied so much of my emotional energy.. i havent been able to see that I am not happy. Now, after his health scare, which has made me see we only have one life.. and after the absence of our oldest child.. and the removal of the cloud of antidepressants.. i am able to reflect on where I am in our marraige and in my life. And i am extremely unhappy. I cant quite put my finger on why.. but I think I have been for a long time. For the first time, we have discussed that we fear the possibility of divorce. I have enrolled in college to start this summer and am trying to find more constructive things to do with my time, but I still have this immense feeling of unhappy. Like my life is just passing me by. My concern is that this is actually depression symptoms returning or if I really am this unhappy and get back on the meds.. it will mask it again for years. We are at the beginning of trying to work this out, but I find it so hard to even think about it.. I dont know if I do want to work it out, or if I just need to do somethings for myself, or what my problem is. He says he loves me and just wants me to be happy, and if its over then its over, but he wants us to give it an honest chance. I do too, I am just so overwhelmed w/ confusion and uncertaintity, I dont seem to be able to think straight. So I found here hoping to run across a woman who has been in my shoes..or a man:).. Right now my plan is to try school and try to do more things for myself, and see if that improves my outlook.. so much time has passed between my husband and I where we neglected our feelings and our marriage..Im afraid that I wont be able to recover it..and that makes me so sad I cry everytime I think about it. Thanks for reading my super long story.. look forward to some input. H.
I'm sorry you guys are in so much pain. It must be awful. But I do not see why you would think that a divorce would help. Marriage vows say "for better or worse, sickness and health" yadda, yadda....
What does getting divorced look like in your mind? Do you imagine it to be a magic cure for your unhappiness?
I hope you guys can work through this because I seriously doubt that divorce will bring the relief you seek.
And it's devastating to children. Even adult children. I don't know why so many people lie to themselves about this particular fact either.
Hang in there. We have some great posters here who can help.
I can relate to a couple of the things you mentioned in your post, and I'd like to invite you to copy your post into a new thread under the "Sex-Starved Marriage" forum.
Self care is so important. You will feel so much better when you start doing more for yourself. I am a big advocate of exercise. For me, it helps clear my mind and keep my attitude positive. I hope you consider regular exercise as part of your plan.
You are particularly blessed that your husband wants to work on improving your relationship. If both of you are committed to working on the marriage, you will surely see progress. It is never an easy road, but it is well worth it.
Spend some time reading posts under the Newcomers and Infidelity sections. You will learn so much about possible perspectives/stances of your husband. You will also be convinced to never ever cheat, and certainly not destroy your marriage and family without the hardest fight of your life. That would be the most foolish thing you could do to yourself and to those you love.
Have you read any of Michele Weiner-Davis' books yet? I recommend "The Sex-Starved Marriage" as a start.
i havent read much on here..yet.. but am working on it.. I dont think that divorce is the "answer" , this is just the first time in our marraige that one of us has said we were unhappy w/ the marraige.. and its really shocking to both parties...i dont know what divorce looks like.. i try not to envision it.. other than try to think if that will even make a difference w/ my unhappiness...
We had an extremely honest conversation last night. He keeps pushing me to tell him why I am so unhappy.. I told him that I didnt have that answer yet.. but i told him what i was feeling..It was hard and Im sure hurt his feelings.. but he keeps pushing and pushing me..I cant even think from day to day and he wants me to have it all figured out so we can "fix " it.. I have really neglected myself in many ways over the years, I have lost my individuallism to motherhood, I stopped demanding attention from him a long time ago,, i just got so tired of being ignored..i gave up and tended to my "duties" as wife and mother. Now,, so much time has lapsed between us that I dont feel anything toward him, just blank,, other than feeling badly that i am hurting him. We both have done things to get where we are, he accepts what he did as wrong, but in no way as damaging as what i did. We disagree on that but i dont fight about it. b/c he can never understand the draw to being online..
I told him last night that I have been able to filter out in the last few months that I am extremely lonely. I told him that i didnt understand how i could be surrounded by people that love me yet feel so incredibly lonely.. he didnt either..
I told him that i didnt know how i felt about our marraige or him, or if i was just having personal satisfaction problems..I just dont know for sure. He thinks I am having a mid life crisis or menopausal issue.. lol.. maybe i am.. but whatever it is .. it is real to me and devastating.. I have always been sure of myself and my life.. now it all seems a big mystery. I have alot of guilt over the situation w/ our oldest son.. i have guilt over hurting husband over online activities.. I have guilt for not being happy w/ what i have.. I feel guilt for wanting more for myself....i feel guilty for thinking that maybe the problem lies in our marraige.. I just feel ALOT of guilt..i have always been the one to hold stuff together in the family, come up w. the "plan" to handle things.. and now i am the problem..
His health scare at such a young age, seems to have frightened me in more ways than i thoughtt.. i feel our lives are just being spent working, shopping, do the yard, taking care of kids.. i dont feel like we are living..we are exsisting..
I know this all probably seems minor or easy to overcome,, but when you are the one w/ the doubts and unhappiness, it seems incredibly overwhelming...b/c i dont want to go back to a medicated state and live in denial of any unhappiness . I did tell him that as long as I was "functional" i didnt want back on them....but what is functional..lol I still cry several times a day.. some days its worse than that, but i feel like maybe its ok... maybe i need to cry and go throught all this to get to whats at the bottom.. I know he is scared to death.... but I have no emotional energy left to help him w/ that fear,i am struggling to help myself at this point..
Lucky Girl.. i have started walking. and may join the local gym as an outlet to get out of the house in a constructive fashion..My college courses start in the summer.. so I am hoping that mind will be occupied a little w/ that..
