This is my first post so I apologize in advance if I don't have the abreviations correct yet. Where to begin? My wife came back from a trip in January and told me she need "space" but never really told me why. I was incredibly hurt buy this! I went down all the bunny trails, is there someone else, do you not love me anymore? She said not to the other man thing so I did not know what to think. This went on for a few weeks and I finally blew up at her (I know bad move) that pushed her over the edge. The last 4 months my life has gone into a tailspin, the more I tried the worse it got, we are now living apart. We are selling everything and getting our won places, but not divorcing, which is odd. It has been 4 months since I have heard I love you, had any physical contact, she is waiting to see if I become a changed person like she has (more on that later). (This next part happened a few days ago) I was always under the impression (she gave it to me) that she was not looking and would wait until we get divorced to start dating. Well, I was using her computer and open a document (snooping I know) and what I saw stopped me in my tracks. It was a journal entry about a man she meet in class (over seas intensive for 2 weeks) and it was very heartfelt. She basically painted him as her ideal man, but she barley knows him????? We have been together for 17 years and married for 12,we have 2 boys (6 and 4), how can she do this. I confronted her on this and she admitted to having a "crush" on him but nothing has happened and he does not even know. We got into a big fight and I lost my cool. (why do I keep handing her a hammer and nails) Then she got angry because (and she is right) I violated her trust and read something private. From there it has been even worse, she has told me she may "explore" her feeling for him, so I guess the no dating clause is off the table. He lives in Europe and will be here at the end of May, then he goes back. How can she have a relationship with a guy that A: she does not know and B: is on a different continent. I realize she has painted a picture of him and she really does not know him from Adam, but now I feel I have competition. I'm trying to GAL and unplug, but it is so hard. I love her and want this to work. About her changes, she has been seeing a counselor for almost a year and at first it was very positive, but now the changes are extreme. She views herself as a new person and letting her old life go (all at the advise of her counselor). The only part of her old life that she wants is our boys, other than that she is on a wait an see mode (it is hard to convey how bleak she is) when it comes to me. Sometimes I feel that she is "better" than me because I'm not part of this new group she is in. She wants me to grow but has told me on several occassions that she does not think I can change based on our past. (ever seen invasion of the body snatchers?) I'm ready to do back flips for her and all I do is push her away and maybe into the arms of another. She has dropped out of our circle and surrounded her self with woman that are leaving there husbands. I'm so frustrated because I want to save my marriage! I'm a good person, good father, good job...etc. Our relationship was not perfect and I totally admit I'm 50% of the problem, but I also want to be part of the solution. I keep making matters worse, for example: I asked her what it was about this guy that was so appealing, she said he never let his emotions run his life, a direct shot over my bow! I devastated by all this, and I do not know what to do. I'm going to counseling and trying to stay positive. I TRYING to GAL but that is so hard!!!!! I just want to shake her and say "why are you destroying our family, can't you see I love you?" I have only seen her cry once (miss I'm in control of my emotions) and after that she made it a point to tell me that will NOT happen again. I'm rambling on...and there is a lot more to say but I bet you can fill in the blanks. Basically wife drops bomb, I go into panic mode thus making matters worse, we separate, she might be having and emotional affair that may lead to a physical affair, I'm in the dumps. Any questions? Any insight would be appreciated!
PS- I have not mentioned my boys and how much the mean to my wife and I. I refuse to put them in the middle, but they have witnessed a few fights and for that I'm deeply sorry.
M: 36 W:36 M: 12 years Together 17 2 boys (6 and 4)
Thanks, I really could use some advice right now. I seem to be doing everything wrong,I even re-read the chapter on the last resort and I still could not leave her alone. I need to be strong, I just don't how right now. This is so out of character for me...I'm usually a rock.
AK - as others will say sorry to see you here but welcome to what I think is the only place you will find answers! You are in good (though unfortunate) company, and there is a way through.
I will try to post to you thoughts and ideas as I can, I dont get much time here so I will hit you with what I can as I can. This is my second time around on this board, last time very very bad, this time better in some ways, but still requires me to relearn all I learned before, and try to stop forgetting what I learned!
First, I have something very hard for you. Admit to yourself that there very well might be a PA - admit it, decide if you would be able to forgive and get past it, then FORGET ABOUT IT.
But, I am serious, you must decide now if you have the strength and the love to forgive and move beyond a PA should you and W reconcile. Having been through this myself, I can tell you it will be one of the hardest things in your life to think about, and you must be sure because even if you are absolutely positive, on the other side you will have to deal with it for a long time (5 years later my previous sitch still haunts me almost daily, but I have made the decision to move beyond it)
Next, read more. Think about not your M, but yourself - what do you want to change or improve about yourself. It can be things that W complained about, or just observations about yourself. A major part of DB is being honest with ourselves and wanting US to be better - not for our W, not to save our M, but for ourselves. This is very important because restored M or not, you need to come out the other side a better person and happy with who you are.
Hang in there buddy, the roller coaster is brutal, but the end result of really getting DB is something money cant buy.
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
I'm so sorry that you're here, but it's a great place to be in our sitch.
This is probably one of the hardest things we'll ever have to do. I know how hard it is when you're still reeling from the shock of the bomb.
The most important thing to remember is that what you do and say now is going to shape her opinions of you and either solidify her reasons for leaving or make her rethink what she's doing. The best thing to do now is to give her space. Do some 180s . . . if you're first thought is to run to her and convince her of all the reasons she needs to be with you than do the opposite. GAL by renewing some old hobbies or doing something that you've always wanted to do. When she's around act as if you understand her need to do this. I know this all seems like nothing you want to do, but it works. The more you do it the easier it'll become. Be sure that you're doing it for self improvement though, she'll see right through it if it's just a ploy to get her back.
Read some other posts around here and see what's working for them. There's some really valuable advice here.
The leaving her alone is one of the hardest parts. It's seem contrary to what you think you should do. But, I've seen it work for folks on here. So, the sooner you can figure out how to do it, the better.
The best advice you'll get is about taking care of you. Get busy doing things for you. I promise you that will help more than anything...If you can figure out things to do that matter to you, you can spend at least some time doing something other than dwelling on the situation. And, as you get busy doing things, you will have less time to bother her. That will only improve your sitch.
Spend time reading about other people's situations here on the board. I got my best advice from posts on others people's threads. It also helps to get support from folks by posting on their thread. If you post and offer insight or support, they'll stop by your thread and do the same, etc.
It's gonna be a long ride, but you will pull through it even if your marriage doesn't survive...I'm proof of that!
I'm rooting for you!
Hugs! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
What do I believe? I really do not have any proof of a PA, just feeling and the journal entry which made no mention of sex, just that he has qualities she wants in a man. DO I REALLY WANT TO KNOW? Would it change things, I don't really know. She has been more willing to talk, but I'm not sure if I should take this as a good sign. My wife has some very valid complaints against me, I need to cop to that. I'm willing to look in, I just need her to want this marriage as much as I do. I just want to scream!!!!!
