I have just had a call from my wife saying she wants to buy a mobile phone for our daughter 11. I asked why and she said it saves me having to call her mobile to talk to the children, and if my daughter wanted to talk to her she could do it with her own phone. She also said it saves us having to talk to each other (that hurt). I got assertive and said I think it is inappropiate and there was not a good enough reason for her to have one. I said if she was with me and wanted to talk to you she can either use my phone or the landline. If I need to talk to the children I could call the landline or my wife's mobile and ask her to put me on to the children. She said "well I will sort it out anyway", meaning she is going to get her one anyway. She then said I do not want to talk to you anymore and ended the call.
I don't know but I get the impression there may be another agenda to this. Even though one of my daughters friends has a mobile for these reasons (apparantly), I feel my wife does not want me ringing her mobile, is it because I might call her when she might be with somebody who she does not want to know about me? Is she involved with someone, if she is, would he know she is still married?
After reading antlers post I should not let it bother me, but I stood my ground without worrying about what she would think of me, but it does stir up the possibility of OP and maybe the speed she wants to end our marriage, or am I being paranoid? _________________________ Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Even if some OM knows she's married, a married woman doesn't want to PROJECT "married woman!" when she's with her boyfriend. When my was was having her affair, my kids would constantly complain about not being able to reach her via cellphone, whereas she used to almost always answer it (or call back right away).
I have a question that I would like answering. Now that my wife and I are seperated, she only wants to communicate via text messages, and if you look at my last post she is getting a mobile for my daughter so that I do not have to talk to her at all. I am concerned that she is completely pulling away and detaching from me, what is happening to our relationship here, as it appears she does not want any contact. I need to clear some rubbish from the house, I asked what time would be convenient and she told me a time and said it did not matter as she would not be there anyway. What is going on here?
Also, we need to discuss finances and in the past we have always ended up arguing because we cannot agree. I have been very helpful in giving her a large sum of money that legally she was not entitled to but morally was hers as she brought the money into the marriage. I do not want to send our relationship back to square one again, though I don't think I have come off square one yet. Without trying to argue but also not to become a doormat what is the best way to approach a definate volatile situation?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
If you try and force contact at the moment it will make her pull away faster. If she wants to communicate by text then look at the bigger picture.
Appease her and communicate by text for everyday small things - and keep these to a minimal if possible letting her set the pace. However draw your boundaries about what you will discuss by text and what you will discuss in person. For me, it was finances and the house as we don't have children.
If he tried to discuss those over text, which he did, I think I said something along the lines of 'I'm happy to discuss this, let me know when the best time to meet is.' And then wait. I can't really remember now exactly what I said, look back through my early threads as they are all linked.
Look at the bigger picture, at least text is communication and it also gives you time to think about your response and get any knee-jerk actions under control.
Give things time to settle, work out what is urgent and what isn't realistically. The finances are a contentious issue, work out when you will be heard and play it that way.
What would be a 180 for your daughters mobile phone? How about looking at it and saying something along the lines of 'actually I am pleased she is getting a mobile, I feel we have not been so close in the past and this may be a good tool for us to be closer. Thank you for the great idea.' Wonder what she would make of that? If you get arsey, it will reinforce her views.
Thanks for your response. I will take your advice and put in into action. Regarding my daughters phone I gave my point of view which was that I did not feel comfortable with her having one, partly because I think at 11 she is too young to be having a mobile. Secondly, and if I am being really honest with myself it is more the fact I feel hurt and suspicious that my wife does not want me calling her mobile. My wife was out shopping yesterday which was when she called me about the phone and I disagreed. If I now about turn it looks like I cannot make a decision and stick to it which has been a problem in the past. A 180 here would be for me to stick to my guns on this one. What do you think?
I did ask her to get me a smoothie maker and a couple of dvd's which were waiting for me when I went around to the house this morning, so I suppose she's not totally heartless.
J, why do you think my wife is detaching from me to the point of communication by text, and the body of the text is like she is sending it to a colleague, somebody she does not know, anybody but her stbx?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I don't know what others think but you could say something like 'I've been mulling over what you said yesterday and have come to the conclusion that although generally I don't agree with an 11 year old having a mobile phone given the circumstances this could be a great opportunity for daughter and I to have better communication which is something I really want. Thank you for suggesting and sorting it.'
Why don't you text her this... Show that you 'get it' although make it sound like you - you get the general gist though?? I don't think that you would lose face by doing this. Think over it some more before you act.
On your question, I know that it is so hurtful and I know the pain... still do... Only they know why they want to only communicate by text? My own theories are guilt and shame on their part and the need to flee from pressure they feel from the LBS, it is common though I think. Give yourself a break from thinking on it too much and try to work on accepting that this is how it is at the moment. It doesn't mean that it will stay this way. As that post stated yesterday, the worst has happened and the only way is up.
I felt like H was talking to an office colleague when he was talking to me. It is painful, believe me I know. But it is their problem, not yours.
I thank you for your support, it means alot to me. I will think about what you said about the mobile, and I will re-read the 'getting it' in Michelle's DR.
J, as I was writing this post my mobile rang and it was my wife asking me whether I had taken the rubbish from home. I won't read anything into this (I dare not) but she would have known the rubbish was gone when she returned home, so why ring?
I sat here and uttered your wording to her validating my wife for wanting to get my daughter a phone. She told me she had purchased a phone for her yesterday anyway, against my wishes, but I did not engage in an argument I just 'smiled and waved'. Validating her seemed to work a treat as she sort of said 'oh', when I said it was a good idea. My wife then said she had started her 'growing up' changes and thought my daughter might want to talk to her if things started happening, so maybe I should not look too deeply into why my wife suggested getting her a mobile.
I forgot to thank my wife for the smoothie maker and dvd's she got me, should I ring her back, text her or not do anything? She did ask me if I got them and I said yes. I obviuosly need to thank her but what is the best way?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Hmmm for someone wanting 'to only communicate by text' she is doing an awful lot of phoning . Go with the flow for now, unless it is an issue you need to set a boundary on.
I think you took her by surprise by the phone thing! That is always good. It looks like she got the phone anyway so at least you are not the bad guy eh? It was great that it enabled you to engage in discussion rather than deadlock and it has appeased you somewhat in your suspicians as to why.
On the positives, there is nothing more hideous than having to talk girl stuff with your dad so maybe that is a good thing. Remember, don't take it personally it isn't always about you (which btw I am totally guilty of doing most of the time so taking a huge spoonful of my own medicine!).
No harm in texting her and saying 'btw thank you for the DVDs and smoothie maker'. I'm interested to know why you didn't say thanks at the time... are you sure you didn't? It is automatic for me to say 'yes, thanks' or 'yes, thanks for doing that, much appreciated'.
I must admit I forgot to thank her as I am trying so hard to say and do the right thing all the time, as instinct and spontunaety has got me in trouble.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
. Go with the flow for now, unless it is an issue you need to set a boundary on. 
easy to do. I thought, perhaps you may be being cold towards her.