When I posted first back last summer, I thought I was dealing with fall out from my H`s infidelity. I`ve since lived through months of silence and tension, sleeping in separate rooms, taken him to court for a protection order when he became physically aggressive with me. He won`t move out, he won`t go to couples counselling, he has stopped going to counselling himself and we are still living apart in the same house with three kids.
Its as if he is paralysed and can`t move on in any way but just if full of anger with me and blames me for everything going wrong in his life.
Things are actually calmer all these months on. Ive gone to two counsellors, a slew of books,have recovered from a series of illnesses, have met all of H`s family and they`ve been very supportive of me-and of course of him. And, with the help of MWD`s Divorce Remedy, I think I`m begining to see the woods from the trees.
We always had problems in our marriage which have been made difficult by our communication pattern. H would sulk for months. I would be at my wits end trying to shake him out of it and things would get worse from there.
But, in the past few years, he`s been dealing with high blood pressure, high cholesterol and gout. This may have sprialled him into Mid life crisis mode as he had a dalliance with an office co worker, has been buying very expensive clothes, shoes, spending a lot of time on his personal appearance, fretted about his hair loss and yet can lay around the house. Is taking sleeping tablets for insomnia, has lost weight and is often very lethargic.
I don`t think he is involved with the co worker anymore even though he continues to work with her and refuses to deal with my insecurity/lack of trust in that regard.
So it`s all pretty much a mess.
Except for me.
I`ve run my way through all the self help books I can just to help me through this. I have a network of friends and family who have been phenomenal through all of this. And although the children would undoubtedly be better off with two very involved happy parents they seem relatively unscathed by it all.
And I`m finally at the point of thinking. Hey, maybe this marriage can be turned around.
I found MWD`s chapter on Mid life crisis really really good. I know I need to be very patient. I know not to rise to H`s bait and become angry.I am aiming for solution oriented behaviours. Trying not to run down cheeseless tunnels(I`m a very slow learning rat...)I am treating him cordially but getting on with all my other Get a Life activities.
I know I love the marriage and right now, not the man. Maybe I`ll get to love him again one day-I hope so.
On the face of it it seems as if this marriage is doomed.
And my questions are. Does anyone here think this marriage is salvageable? Has anyone come from a worse starting point?
Hi Fallgirl Can't really answer your question - I don't know if anyone can:( My husband is in full blown MLC too, except he's not home and refuses to have any contact with me.
The hardest, hardest thing is not knowing what will happen, if it's worth hanging in there or whether we should just cut and run. Wish above all else, I knew the answer to that.
Jerri Me 50 WAH 47 M 23 years D 22 S 21 S 30 (previous marriage) B 02/09 marriage is over S 02/09 NC
Thanks for your quick response. tried to aquaint myself with your sitch but this forum didn`t allow me do that for some reason. Have had the same trouble trying to pm people. Hopefully that situation will improve as I don`t like to put too much detail out there.
Sorry to read about your situation. I do hope you`re able to focus on your own goals. I`ve found Susan Jeffers, Louse Hay and Malenaie Beattie`s books hugely useful to get me to a point of minding me and not jumping to H`s tune.
I know I`ve to give this a LOT of time and patience. And I`m just trying now to turn that into a positive for me;giving me a lot of time and patience and love. Maybe I`ll find my answers there.
For me cutting and running would lead to a whole new path of woes with the kids, money etc. I`m just not ready to take that route yet. Plus, H is horrified at the thought of it. Just as much as he`s horrified at the thought of us reconciling.
Meanwhile I`m working on me every day-just for me. and hey, maybe I`m gonna have to remarket myself some day soon too. I want to be ready for that!
Hope you`re finding Divorce Remedy useful!
Thanks so much again for your reply, appreciate any insights!
