OK well...I hope you are getting good feedback on your private board. I hope its working out well for you, but you know, I wish I could help at all...it doesn't seem I can though so I will just wish you the best and watch for updates.
And beyond just updates, I wish you had more time for just general silliness like we had enjoyed last summer! Where IS everyone anyway???
Its funny how this board gets hopping for a short while and then turns back into a ghost town.
Baggy: I'm glad you're getting support. You've been such a tremendous help to me and many others here.
DQ: Are you sure you're not the Italian Mamma here? You sound like my Mom wondering why her kids don't make time for Sunday dinner anymore! Haha!
Speaking for myself... Summertime is definitely different for a SAHM. The swim club is open and the parks are filled with little buddies for my son. We won't be stuck at home as much for the next few months. But, that doesn't mean I don't care very much about everybody on this board. I'll still be checking in as much as possible, of course!
Yes, very helpful. I only wish I would have found this six months ago, a year ago, or more (waaaa!). At least I know what do right after I end the separation.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
OK well...I hope you are getting good feedback on your private board. I hope its working out well for you, but you know, I wish I could help at all...
Silly girl. Believe me, if there are issues occurring that I think you can even remotely help me to address I'll bring them up here. My wife is still far away from the type of sensuality and sexuality that you and LG are able to tap into, and it will be a long while before she gets there.
However, I think she has the *spark* of desire to reach for that, although she generally keeps that spark well hidden. My primary role at the moment is to provide the secure environment wherein she can explore that spark....which means keeping my own issues at bay and under control enough not to derail her. It's a delicate balance, between backing off too much, thus giving her the opportunity to stall, and pushing too hard, thus causing her to slam up the "shields" and protect herself.
YOUR FIANCE, luckily, already possessed the intimacy 'gardening skills' necessary to tend you and allow you to develop and flourish sexually. I have to learn those skills as I go, and neither neglect (whilst retreating in a huff to the man-cave) nor over-water and drown her.
YOU had to be at a point in your life where you were healed enough and ready to flourish, open up, and bloom under his care and tending. My wife has at least emerged (tentatively) from the seed, but is still a very fragile 'sprout'....not ready to flourish and bloom just yet.
[time to stop this analogy -- I'm starting to get Alice in Wonderland images in my head.]
You get the idea. For example, you've referred to how sexually energizing and enjoyable your daily "mini-ravishing" sessions are, and encouraged me to adopt that strategy. My wife, on the other hand simply isn't ready for that yet, and has complained tto the therapist about my attempts to push a little in that direction. At most, I can get away with a bit of brutish man-handling and sexual playfulness about once or perhaps twice a week -- all other touching (during the day) has to be safely non-sexual and loving. In other words, like many women, she is simply not comfortable (yet) with the notion that she can actually *enjoy* being treated as a sex-object from time to time, IN ADDITION TO being treated as a love-object by me...that the two 'modes' are NOT, in fact, mutually exclusive.
She's -slowly- coming around, and I'm slowly improving my gardening skills.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Our counseling sessions of late have been a mix of IC and MC, meeting separately with the therapist, and then coming back together again to tie things together. The sessions have also been a mix of discussing our respective pre-marriage histories (particularly childhood), but also hashing out current issues within our marriage.
Where we presently find ourselves is primarily a result of my wife's and my respective child-abuse histories, with the resulting so-called "attachment disorders:" where my wife's is of the intimacy-avoidance variety and mine is of the intimacy-craving variety. In the session on Tuesday, our therapist reiterated the fact that we are currently functioning (relationally) in a narrow band of overlap which is a bit uncomfortable for both of us --> not overly so for either, but still envelope-pushing for each. We both still get itchy about it on occasion, and it's a precarious enough "razor's edge" of intimacy-level overlap that it's easy to fall off and back into marital-crisis. With time and continued work, the path should widen and be more comfortable for both of us (and harder to fall off of too).
We're also finding it easier to regroup following the occasional conflict, a *much* needed improvement within our R. We still sometimes argue and disagree (all couples do, even in healthy marriage), but the important development is that we no longer let those arguments escalate, and we make up and regroup again much faster than previously. I think this is the result of three developments:
we've improved our communication level and communication skills measurably (RE: John Gottman's The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work);
we've processed and discarded much of our past resentment "baggage," such that all of the old hurts and anger -no longer- lurk so close to the surface (ready to erupt); and
we now *understand* each other far better, our respective male and female qualities and respective POV's, and we can thus each empathize with the other far better.
I was reminded of the above this morning, when my wife and I got into a heated argument over upcoming summer vacation plans. In the past, I would have eventually stomped out of the door to work and withdrawn to the silent man-cave for a day or two, while my wife would have gone into indignant, ruffled 'mother hen' mode. This morning, however, we took about 5 minutes of time-out while I got ready to go to work, and then came back together again, smiling about our behavior and putting forth the 'repair' effort to regroup, hug, kiss, and separate for the day in decent moods (rather than huffy ones).
Who'd of thunk we could actually DO that?! At this rate, my man-cave's gonna get all full of cobwebs and dust from disuse!
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
How beautiful that the universe brought you and Mrs. Baggy together. The pairing of her avoidance and your craving is divine.
Big mad props on how you two handled this morning's conflict. I dare you to never huff off into your man-cave again. Even when your W morphs into the ruffled hen, YOU keep it together and stand still, calm, and strong.
How beautiful that the universe brought you and Mrs. Baggy together. The pairing of her avoidance and your craving is divine.
Ugh...divine, as in "divine retribution" or "divine torture"?
As DQ has talked about before, SSM's wouldn't exist if HD's would only pair with other HD's and LD's only with LD's. Life, however, doesn't work that way and instead we get these frustrating HD/LD combos.
My church would say something along the lines of: but the HD/HD and LD/LD combos would lead to little personal growth in the area of closeness and intimacy, while the HD/LD combination forces each partner to grow and develop in order to stay together and make the marriage work (with those failing to do so ending up with affairs, parallel-life marriages or divorce).
If my wife and I pull this off, and the chances are very good now that we shall, then I'll bow to the church's POV (that life's challenges are purposefully set before us so that we can achieve are greatest growth and potential). However, if our recovery efforts ultimately fail, I would do my utmost to ensure that my next partner is as much of a touch and intimacy nut as I am....only to have some OTHER major issue crop up, of course...
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Not trying to highjack your thread, Bagheera but I wanted to pm you but I don't seem to be allowed too.
so anyway, you helped me quite a bit a few months ago and I now have a male friend that has joined and could really use your advice. if you are willing he is newcomers catagory and is really withdrawn and doing alot of the "wrong" things thus far.
if you could pm me, I can give you his screen name
