hey hows it going this is my second post and ive been reading alot of other posts on here so im trying to go NC, but very hard to do. My W is 400 miles from me on internship for school, so i miss her alot and the thought of hearing her voice makes the pain subside alot but she will not reply to my texts or answer the phone even if i try so that is whats holding me back. She moved to ohio for internship 10mos ago we have been together for 13yrs, and ive been waiting for her, i realy am questioning myself in all of this due to the fact that she is overly stressed out about her work, writing her crp(book basically), and i have kinda been in a deep depression since before she left so she has had to worry about all that stuff with work and school and then take care of me her 28yo child back at home waiting for her so i think i pushed her away by missing her so much by never grocery shopping never cleaning and then when she left my depression took over i began having some crazy stuff go thru my head i think she got tired of having to worry and be so stressed out so she cut ties with the 1 she thought would be the easiest to get rid of........me. Its like i gave up on me so she eventually gave up on me. She has untill the end of june and she will be done with her internship and she then will have to do a post doc im not sure were she is going for this i wish it will be that she is coming home, but by the signs ive been givin she basically hates me and "she doesnt love me anymore". It destroys me to write that. All the time we have been together she has basically been taking care of everything..the housework, the dogs, paying bills, grocery shopping, everything. Funny thing is i always boasted to everybody about what a great woman i have and how she loves me and takes care of me, little did i know that all i was doing was pushing her away by making her be my mother. i read the DB book and it kinda opened my eyes a little to all of this i miss the laughter, the hugs, the kisses, the iloveu's, i miss it all, in my life and i need to become a better person to try to get it back. The worst part is now that i know that i did this my house is clean, i went to the gym sunday morning and i even went to the cubs game with friends on sat. night, befor i would have done none of this, because in the back of my mind my mother(W) would take care of it. i am gonna become a better person the person she wanted so much for so long if its not for her for me. She told me "it is over for good i have had 13yrs to change" and she is right i did this i pushed her away by making her my mother and it is killing me inside. im going to change and hopefully she is right the relationship we had before is over, we can have a new relationship without her having to be my mother.
Sorry you are here with the rest of us, but hopefully you have found the right place.
From what you have said of your sitch, you seem to have figured out what you need to do - stop being her child and become someone with whom she wants an R.
Keep posting and everyone here will pile on to help you - either with sympathy, advice, or a smack upside the head, whichever you seem to need most at the moment.
For now, I'll leave you with only the following advice:
1) If you haven't already, back off and stop the pursuit! There is a list floating around that makes it more clear, and it is outlined in the DB book, but basicly realize that anything you do to court her, convince her, etc is just going to be seen as pressure and will push her away. Stop!
2) Focus on yourself. You seem to have figured it out - now make it permanent and stick.
3) Detach Detach Detach -- Do whatever it takes to stop focusing in her. I know it is hard - it really is for all of us -- but it is the only thing which will successfully enable you to do 1 and 2 above.
A final note / question: I don't want to unnecessarily bring up any doubt or fears in your mind, but is there another man in the situation? With your W a long way away in a school situation, it is possible that something may have developed. From my own sitch and from reading what has happened here on the boards, it seems pretty common that such a change in a spouses feelings toward you are very often accompanied by / precipitated by an Emotional Affair (EA)(or Physical Affair (PA)). In many cases (mine included) the existence of and true extent of the A don't come out until long after the bomb is dropped.
Again, this is just a question - don't want to seed unnecessary fears - but if there is an EA, then it definitely complicates the issue. It is unlikely that the WAW will notice any of the changes that you are making as long as the A is in progress, or even for a while afterwards, so remember to be making these changes for you. You are the one who has to be happy with them and be able to sustain them long term for yourself.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinker thanks for responding to my post, i am pretty sure there is not another man but i can only go by what she has told me i believe her when she tells me that she is not seeing anyone else. i am really putting my stones in the barrel that she is overly stressed out about school and work and tired of taking care of me. I am totally commited to changing my ways it has been to long and as much as i want to call her right now i am forcing myself not to. i am considering getting phone conferences from DB to see if that will help my situation. I am totally new at this since i have been with this woman since i was 15 years old. I am gonna do everything i can to make her notice i want to change but that is the hard part trying to NC and her know im working on changing when she is 400 miles away.
I forgot to add something in my last post me and W were supposed to talk today as she had told me last week that she wanted to talk on sunday. So earlier today at about 3:30 i text her and said "happy easter, what time do you want me to call you" she replys "i am having dinner at my moms today cant talk" now i fig she was expecting me to totally be upset or beg her to talk to me so instead i replied with a text back saying "ok well have a nice easter and enjoy your day" wow that is really good for me all through our 13 yr relationship i have always pursued her so she responds back with a text that said "thank you 4 being respectful...congrats on the cubs game...im jealous. Hope u have been taking care of yourself" i only responded with "i have been taking care of myself have a great easter"....what do i do next compared to how we have been communicating recently that was a ton different. i dont want to backslide from any progress i might have made
....what do i do next compared to how we have been communicating recently that was a ton different. i dont want to backslide from any progress i might have made
Figure out what you want to do FOR YOURSELF. What will make you happy? What will make you like yourself better? What will make you a better person?
...then do that!
Take your focus off of her, and put it on you.
The point is to take better care of yourself. You don't tell her you are changing - you just do it.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
