New to the world of adultery

[FitChik]

Finally this week I got the understanding & explanation to my sitch - which until now has been a mystery..... AW.

My H and I were married this past Aug 08. We were long distance before & after the wedding due to dual military. After only 3 months of M, H tells me he's done & wants a D. He filed in Dec 08 before deploying to Iraq. I have been standing for our M and trying to figure out the the heck happened...

My H finally tells me this week he slept with AW the entire time we dated, after our engagement, and even the month after our marriage. I found out this W followed him to TX to be with him after he kept telling her not to move and that he didn't like her (per our mutual friend).

My H now states he is not physically attracted to me and doesn't want to be married to me. States he thought he was ILW me but was not. States he was not ready to be married and made a mistake.

I am waiting to be served and decide how to proceed. I am trying to cope with all of this new info - but it's difficult. I feel extremely disgusted and betrayed. If I knew my H was sleeping with AW even while we dated, I would have called it quits then.... let alone married him.

Any advice is appreciate! Thanks for reading.

[FitChik]

well guess i should update my sitch again!!!

my H just called and told me the adultery was a lie. states he never cheated on me. states he made it up to get me to go through with the D and thought it would fit into my "religious beliefs". i am so mad & confused!! i just want the whole truth! what is this behavior about???

[karen43]

Well, at some point he was lying to you. What kind of person does that stuff, ok well most of our WAS but ykwim, or what kind of person would even just tell you that he did??? The truth to me is that either way he's messed up. That's just not acceptable. Karen

[FitChik]

I agree Karen. Not acceptable. He is a mess right now. I hope for his sake he can get himself cleaned up eventually but I don't see it happening anytime soon. It breaks my heart.... I wish we could whack our WASs upside the head and get them back on the right path :-) But that would be too easy....

[marriedCrazy]

How about we just whack them and not worry about what happens to them?

LOL

[K4D]

I hate to tell you this. And you probably know it. But the saying here is believe nothing you hear and only 50% of what you see.

My friend and my W's cousin told me my W was having a PA and she denied it to and said she only said it to see if it would get back to me.

I discovered the truth and the truth was that she really was having one.

I would be inclined to say that your H was having an A. Why put it out there to anyone if that is not the case regardless of whether you think it would make the D easier.

Don't spend to much time being confused. Oh I hate to say this, but go with your gut instinct. You have to. At this point I would put money down that he was having the A.

More often that not I find from reading other peoples situations that there is usually an A of some sort going on that usually brings on the D. Infact, rarely do I see it be anything else.

Its hard to accept. I know. I was physically shaken when my friend called me to tell me that my W was sleeping with OM. I literally was shaking. I couldn't believe it and didn't want to. But the truth was, she was sleeping with him. I got the real proof in her emails later on.

I'm sorry FitChik. And while you do not have proof in writing like I got. The chances that he didn't have an A going on are slim to none. Word got out. He denied it. Why else would he want the D so quickly after? You can try and figure it out all day long and it will just eat at you. I would accept it as it more than likely was going on and decide from that point of view how to proceed.

Again, I'm sorry. But that is my personal experience and also the experience of reading other peoples situations.

Brighter days are ahead. DO NOT let this deter you from your faith in God. That is the most important thing of all.

I have a question for you. You said this was his second marriage and your first. Why was he D'd before?

Also, this is up to you and you may have already read it or may not have. Read Matthew 19:9 in the bible.

There is a couple reasons I point this out since you have become very faithful to God and religious.

1. If he was unfaithful before to his first wife, he did not have permission to remarry which makes you still unmarried spiritually. In that sense, you are free to walk. It was nothing more than a legal M. It wasn't a spiritual M. This is from any protestant bible.

2. If he wasn't unfaithful, again, he had no spiritual grounds for remarriage unless his first W was unfaithful and this only according to the protestant bible.

3. Now if you are catholic, unless he had the first M annuled, he was still technically spiritually married to his first W. Again, you are free to walk as it would never have been recognized by God as a valid spiritual M per the catholic bible.

I would be interested in knowing your take on this and if it helps you any. I know the emotional aspect still hurts very badly. But you can take the spiritual side as you are still free to M.

I'm sure I will get some interesting comments from others that read this. And there is nothing wrong with that. Its just my take on it and thats why I would be interested in your take on it and if it helps you figure out things for yourself any.

Either way, I know you are hurting and I know the betrayal you feel. Thats the hardest part of all is the betrayal. But depending on how you view Matthew 19:9, you may feel some what better about your future options as you begin to heal.

Kevin

[rop]

Hey Fit,
I am positive your H didn't come up with all the story of the cheating to make it "easier" for you to accept the divorce. It looks pretty clear from this side of the fence.
I know that being betrayed hurts like hell - but at least this thing happened fairly early in the marriage and I understand you guys have no kids. Don't try to understand his behavior, it is a waste of time -
Marriage is a "contract" you make in front of God - but the way I see it you were actually the ONLY ONE signing it..... so it cannot be a valid contract.
From a guy perceptive, if I were you, I would run away from a person that you are never be able to trust.

[FitChik]

How about we just whack them and not worry about what happens to them?

Sign me up!! :-)

[FitChik]

IYou said this was his second marriage and your first. Why was he D'd before?

Also, this is up to you and you may have already read it or may not have. Read Matthew 19:9 in the bible.

There is a couple reasons I point this out since you have become very faithful to God and religious.

1. If he was unfaithful before to his first wife, he did not have permission to remarry which makes you still unmarried spiritually. In that sense, you are free to walk. It was nothing more than a legal M. It wasn't a spiritual M. This is from any protestant bible.

2. If he wasn't unfaithful, again, he had no spiritual grounds for remarriage unless his first W was unfaithful and this only according to the protestant bible.

According to H, their personalities didn't match up. States his first exW had a lot of childhood issues that she wouldn't work on that impacted their R. So never got a real clear picture about their R.

I do not know if he was unfaithful in his first M. This week for the first time he told me he was - but again denied it yesterday. So I have no idea what to believe???

I do believe A is a valid reason to D according to the Bible. However God does not instruct his to D in such instance. I believe He would want us to love & forgive our S regardless what they have done, just like He does. However a cookie cutter approach cannot be taken and it is a personal decision. A one time A is much diff't than years of As with diff't people.

There are several other reasons in the Bible for D. Matthew 19:8 states it is acceptable to D when your Ss heart is hardened. In 1 Corin 7:15 is states in an unbeliever leaves, let them go & we are not bound to them by our M. These 2 are very hard for me to decifer if they apply to my H. His heart is definitely hardened but there are still some soft spots in there. Also while my H states he doesn't have faith now, he once was very passionate about it. So I'm drawing a big ???? on both of these.

[DCBHM]

Based on your situation you might could get an annulment or something. You have moral and spiritual justification to divorce. Ultimately, your M is so young and without kids there probably isn't much hope for your situation.

But you are here, so all I can suggest is that you focus on the GAL/LRT and let your H do what he wants... not much point in complicating your D if you don't have anything to fight over.