PM Thread #5 - Hope new plan works

[markhaving probs]

PM,

Thank you for your response, I will have a think and get back to you on my thread.

Have a great weekend,

Mark

[PositivelyMommy]

Went for another interview yesterday. I don't know why but job opportunities abound this year and it feels great. The thing is that this is a one-year commitment. You all know that I am thinking of moving home this Dec so if I make a one-year commitment, I am pretty much stuck here for another year.

It's a tough decision because it's good for my career to take this gig but I know that I would be a happier person if I left to be with my family.

I talked to my brother last night about it and he says to keep all options open. The job situation at home is not great. Whereas I am building a nice little career here. So he says to ask if they could do a six-month contract instead of a one-year contract.

This is a nice problem to have. I can really push myself and do something new and grow with this gig. But I want to get away from H and show him that I don't need him around and REALLY live a quiet, peaceful life.

e.g. this weekend. He called to say he can't come around to be with kids today. I don't like it because it gives me a feeling of mistrust at the bottom of my stomach. I feel he is lying, no proof or anything but I just have this sense using my Wifely sense.

I don't want to go through this every weekend. It's not healthy for me. Don't know why he still feels he needs to lie.

I want to ask him, if he tells me a lie and I believe it, does he still think that he has told the truth?

Or

If he tells me a lie but I don't believe him but I don't confront him and he THINKS I believe him, does he think he has told the truth?

Or

Does telling the truth or telling a lie have any differences in his book?

Why am I put in the position of being his conscience?

I am NOT going to engage in a confrontation. That was the old me, I used to call him on it.

The new me will detach and not let it bother me. He has to live with his own consequences of his lies.

I will have a nice dinner with my friends.

[PositivelyMommy]

I was never confident around guys. I felt very shy and was not one to be able to talk comfortably with them except for maybe just a couple of friends.

My H was my first BF. He was my first love. Most of my friends had bf in high school. I didn't. I wasn't in a hurry but also I lacked confidence with the opposite sex. They were like aliens to me. Now it's time to change that.

So the whole concept of how to attract a man is very daunting to me. I don't know the little tricks and what to do to make a guy like me. So I am employing in some help.

I have signed up for a course in dating. How to attract a man. I have NOT read up on this subject at all. My usual fare is psychology, not biology. So it's going to be a very big challenge for me. I want to use some tricks to bring my H back.

I am thinking maybe I have been approaching this the wrong way because I have been intellectual and not doing what comes naturally with other women. If I am to be the attractive option, I need to know the tricks of the trade. I will give anything a try. It's in June. I'll keep everyone updated.

[karen43]

The dating class sounds perfect and if there's guys in it even better.

I don't know that I have any tricks or anything either. I've only had 2 serious Rs, my first serious bf in college lasted about 1.5 years, and then almost right away started dating H. Both Rs I was friends first, to be honest I wasn't attracted to either when I met them, but after I got to know them my feelings started to change.

I mean I might attract more guys if I had the tricks or whatever, but I think I'd rather attract just a few guys, or even just one, that appreciates me for me and is attracted to me, my personality, and all that. Or I'll be happy with my family & friends if not. Maybe I'll feel differently in a year or 2 though. Karen

[PositivelyMommy]

Had an R talk with H. I know not supposed to but just had it this week.

He had called to say that he won't be able to see the kids again and gave me some bs about work. I didn't confront him at the time. But I KNEW he was lying again and I just wonder to myself, how long do I have to take this bs?

So after consulting with my brother and my BFF, I had a talk with H.

I told him a few things that were on my mind:

1) We need to tell the kids about us, I don't feel good about lying. But I don't want to jeopardize his relationship with the kids and don't know what to say exactly
2) If people ask me about him, I will tell them the truth also
3)I am OK with him not coming to see the kids but I need more notice and also I DO NOT want to hear the reason why (because it's probably B.S. anyway and I want to send the message that I am not going to take it anymore). There is no need for me to know the reason why. ( He wanted to protest but I stared him down)
4)I am thinking of moving back home in December. (He was shocked, I think)
5) I am changing my mind about taking the kids to visit his Mom next month. I told him I have too much work. Then I kept my mouth shut. He then slowly said he might be able to take some time off and take them maybe.

He had the audacity to say that he didn't want the kids to think badly of either of us. I replied, 'Why would they think badly about me?' He said, 'Because it takes two people.' I said, ' I don't understand, I didn't do anything to justify your actions.' He said, 'I told you why in depth.' I said, 'I heard what you said and understand your feelings. I just don't think my actions justified YOUR actions or decisions. For the breakdown of this marriage and for your NOT TRYING. I just don't agree that they will see me in a bad light.'

I know this was NOT the right DB thing to do, I just couldn't let him slam me. He has not grown a bit. Even after one year of counselling. I don't believe it. He still blames me for his infidelity, cheating, lying! I am very sad. I see now that he has not changed his POV, will not want to change it and will NEVER come home. He can't see his contribution.

It's very sad but in a way, it makes my move easier. I don't have to look back and wonder 'if I had stayed a few more months maybe...'

Well, I stood up for myself. I feel like cr*p. We didn't have an out and out fight. We didn't really argue, we just didn't agree.

So that means our previous conversations of him saying 'this was neither of our faults' was all b.s. He did think it was my fault and I had caused him to cheat, lie and betray me. All of his work with his counsellor who was trying to show him that he was a man who craved excitment, that marriage and life can get a little dull. He was NOT listening, he still go back to blaming me.

I am so angry now. He is still so in the fog. I am running out of compassion and patience and goodwill towards this man.

I know I am a woman of incredible patience. I just hope OW has incredible patience as well because I don't know how she could live with him. That R is doomed.

I know what I am walking away from. I know that he is not the man I knew. He holds so much hate in his heart and so much blame underneath the surface.

When I told him that I will not lie to everyone anymore he said, Oh I assumed that you had told people. I said, No I wouldn't disrespect my children like that. They do not know so I will not tell other people. And anyway, the last time I threatened to tell people you got SO mad at me. ( He threatened to make the D very ugly and never ever talk to me again if I jeopardized his job.) So are you really OK with me telling people?

All right everyone. I know people will be telling me what I have done wrong, I am expecting your advice.

But I am glad we had it out. Not good for M but good for my peace of mind of never to having to tell lies anymore or to listen to them.

[mdoodles]

hi...i do not know if i have ever posted to you, but i have followed your posts from time to time.

first off, he knows very well it wasnt your fault. i have come to learn that they blame us because it is easier to put it off on someone else, it is easier to say it was our fault too etc.

u did nothing wrong, and i think u know that. when we hear someone tell us we did, it plays with our mind, it has happened to me.

i think u handled yourself well, we cannot stick to db every second, and sometimes u shouldnt, if u feel u need to defend yourself, u should.

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks mdoodles. Thanks for reminding me that it wasn't my fault. I tend to believe everything he says. Bad habit.

[karen43]

PM, I think you are a great example. I want to be just like you!

My H has the "blaming" thing too. My therapist said at the time I started seeing her, it was actually a lot easier to improve (my) depression than it would be for my H to stop the blaming. She was saying in her opinion that's one of the toughest things to work on. I have to say a year later or so, that my depression is pretty much gone, and H is still very angry/blaming.

I agree your H is in a fog now. I don't know that means he always will be that way, or that he couldn't work on his issues. But yeah,you have to realize you have a problem and then work on it, and it sounds like he's not there. I think you are wise to just go on living your life as if he will be in the fog long-term, but I don't think that means that he will never be able & willing to R with you. You make this fantastic happy life for you and your family, and he may or may not join you later, but his loss if he doesn't.

I think you did exactly the right thing about the visit to his mom. He can handle that if he wishes. Good for you! I think you are handling everything wonderfully, mature but loving. Don't ever let him make you feel guilty for that! Karen

[LL44]

Haven't posted to you either, but this hit home for me:

He still blames me for his infidelity, cheating, lying! I am very sad. I see now that he has not changed his POV, will not want to change it and will NEVER come home. He can't see his contribution.

This is my life. Now, you can't say 'never' about him coming home, but the rest is what I deal with as well. If I hadn't been such a 'bad' wife, he wouldn't have cheated. Also, I have heard "If I come home (before our divorce), this is what you would have to change (insert everything about me). I will not have to change at all".

Don't let him change your opinion of yourself. And do not let him take you off the high road. Ever. I am glad you stood up for yourself, and I think you did it well. High road high road high road.......its harder, but it feels better.

One thing I say to people when asked what happened with our marriage is "xH wanted a single life, he wanted out, so I let him go". Easy to say, and most people know what it means.

Also, I tell xH when I hear about how this is all my fault "I will take the blame for my part in the distance that happened between us, but any action during or after your affair is on you".

[mdoodles]

it is much easier for them to blame us than for them to admit they messed up. if they admit they messed up, they may actually feel guilty - and they dont want to feel that.

also, the more they blame us, the easier it is for them to move on.

i know for me,when i was angry at h, it made it alot easier to try to move on, than when i was upset and all sappy about our marriage.

one year ago this weekend, we were on the worst terms ever in our history. i never would have thought things would be ok.

one year later, h is home. is it perfect or even great? no.

but he is home.

so dont give up, if u arent ready to.