A 180 would be not saying a thing to him. I wouldn't let him know that his birthday even crossed your mind.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Do not acknowledge the day to him. Leave it alone. If you want to acknowledge it yourself, have an ice cream cone or something, but don't send a text message, email or call him up.
Your son will be spending some time w/him and that's all that matters right now.
Focus on you today!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
First off I had a good time with my friend, having dinner and then shopping for groceries and such. Had to buy a new vac. cleaner, because my son gave xh mine awhile back. Vac. cleaners are so high! Anyway also thank you to everyone for sticking with me. The guy I was talking about did email me back, just something simple. Still didnt ask me out to dinner though. I guess Kerry and I will have to go fishing for my first date.lol
Now, AmyC, I will try my best to do this. I will list some things as I remember them. I dont know if it is what you want, but I will try. First, truthfully my xh was a good man. (I know you said the bad things but I will get there.), he was a good provider, not once did he let us down in that way. He always took care of us money wise. The main issue was HIS LYING! *xh lied constantly. He would lie about the simplest things and I would have to cover for him. He would take me by surprise alot. It was embarrassing at times. I probably couldnt count the times he lied to me and I DIDNT catch him. *From Lying comes DISTRUST. I dont think I ever trusted him fully. He even said this after he left, he said I never trusted him. AND he is right. I would trust him with my life, that kind of trust, but in the last few years, especially after becoming a cop, I wouldnt trust him alone with other women or, in some cases even with money. *His attitude! Attitude with me and or our son. Yes I can be a pushover when it comes to my son, what mother isn't, but my xh did not know how to talk softly or displine without SCREAMING and CURSING. I especially noticed this AFTER he became a COP! If my xh did not get his sleep out he was awful to live with. (my son is the same way). I have read up on NPD and I think they both (xh and son) have these symptoms. Lying is a BIG ONE with this disorder. Stretching the truth especially. Son DOES THIS TOO! XH became very cocky in the later years. He knew EVERYTHING and I knew nothing. That is the way I felt. He was NOT SENSITIVE to my feelings. Never wanted to talk about things. He would sometimes give me a few minutes and then that was it, the conversation was over when HE said it was over. If I was not finished talking, too bad. I would say about 75% of the time he was like this.
I had to live with the cop in him. I lived with the ups and downs of his life, as I was suppose to. For better or worse right? I lived with him through his years as a Fire Chief, which was also stressful. This new girl will NOT have to face what I did in that aspect, because he is no longer a cop and no longer a Fire Chief. He no longer has that stress. He gave ALL that up a few months before he left me and our son. His words: "Too Much Stress....I Was Unhappy, Had To Leave".
Ok, AmyC, is this what you wanted. These are the main things/ways that I feel like he let me down. They may be cheesy but they hurt. I may have added too much, sorry if I did.
P.S. Who needs a therapist when they have Amy and the crew.
It's not about what I "wanted", it's about what you need. Now I ask you, do you think being married to a man that you constantly have to cover for, can not trust, does not respect you and verbally abuses both you and your son is healthy? Is that the stuff you really think 'happily ever after' is made of?
There is much more to being a good husband and father than providing for a wife and child. MUCH MORE. So far all I see is that he brought home the bacon. I'm sorry but other than that he sounds like an arrogant, domineering ass for the most part. In a situation like yours (and most of ours), in the beginning we tend to wear the rose-colored glasses and forget about our spouses less than stellar performance AS our spouse. Opening our eyes and seeing that it REALLY wasn't all our fault helps in gaining the much needed self-esteem that we've all lost a large part of by the time we find our way to this site. Your ex doesn't sound like he did much to support you emotionally, to be your friend and your lover, to lift you up and encourage you...all those things that married people should do for one another out of love. Getting a clear picture of the way it was helps to deal better with the way it now is. You also need to see that that girl really hasn't won a prize in your ex because those same behaviors he displayed in your marriage WILL rear their ugly head in the next one because HE has not dealt with his own demons. In fact, it looks to me as if they both will be getting exactly what they deserve.
Now focus on yourself and making your life better. You know the only place to go from here is up so just keep climbing. You will see the sun again.
P.S. - Do not acknowledge his birthday. It will just be another reason for him to smack you back down. Don't give it to him.
Thanks everyone I WILL NOT be calling, texting or emailing. Snodderly I may have a double dip cone.lol
AmyC, you said to list the negatives so I didnt list the good things. I will, in his defense, and I dont know why, but, I will say that he was a great lover....well from what I have known in the last 20 years. Kept me happy anyway. We had no problem in that area ever. He will tell you that. We also had laughter. He helped around the house ALOT. He always cleaned the bathrooms, which I hate. He did the upkeep on the house and so forth. Here I will weigh them out.
Good Sex Provider Helped Around House Alot Laughter-When in Good Mood
Bad Lier, stretched truth Distrust because of lying Attitude Cocky, Knows everything Respect-less during the end Respect-for others could improve No Emotion No Compassion-suck it up and get over it already. Did NOT care what others thought!
Sad isnt it. Towards the end all these things worsened. He even told me after my mothers funeral that he didnt want me mopping around the house for a week, that he knew I would do this. WELL YEA.
When you live this way for over 20 years, you kinda adjust to things and you think its normal. My sister-in-law told me this long ago. People always talked behind his back about his attitude and cockiness (if that a word), I always defended him, but I did get to see the best side of him and they didnt.
Sunshine, you are a brave girl and I am proud of you for ignoring his B-day. The arrogant ass probably expected you to be all over that and he was denied. Good!
Plus, it sounds like you have a great start on GAL too. You have lots of friends and guys are interested in you. That's a lot, my dear, and it's all good. Keep it up.
Thanks everyone I WILL NOT be calling, texting or emailing. Snodderly I may have a double dip cone.lol
AmyC, you said to list the negatives so I didnt list the good things. I will, in his defense, and I dont know why, but, I will say that he was a great lover....well from what I have known in the last 20 years. Kept me happy anyway. We had no problem in that area ever. He will tell you that. We also had laughter. He helped around the house ALOT. He always cleaned the bathrooms, which I hate. He did the upkeep on the house and so forth. Here I will weigh them out.
Good Sex Provider Helped Around House Alot Laughter-When in Good Mood
Bad Lier, stretched truth Distrust because of lying Attitude Cocky, Knows everything Respect-less during the end Respect-for others could improve No Emotion No Compassion-suck it up and get over it already. Did NOT care what others thought!
Sad isnt it. Towards the end all these things worsened. He even told me after my mothers funeral that he didnt want me mopping around the house for a week, that he knew I would do this. WELL YEA.
When you live this way for over 20 years, you kinda adjust to things and you think its normal. My sister-in-law told me this long ago. People always talked behind his back about his attitude and cockiness (if that a word), I always defended him, but I did get to see the best side of him and they didnt.
You are right. You do adjust to dysfunction and even make excuses for it. Problem is, that only makes it that much worse.
Look, you did what you could with the tools and understanding that you had back then but this is new time.
Like a new day dawning.
You are going to learn so much and life is going to just bust wide open for you if you will let it.
Please, please, please live up to your words. Do not call or email or text him today. No contact, no mailing him a belated b-day card nothing. Make it through today without any of those things. Not for him, but for you.
You can do this, use your thickheaded stubborness to your advantage. : )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Please, please, please live up to your words. Do not call or email or text him today. No contact, no mailing him a belated b-day card nothing. Make it through today without any of those things. Not for him, but for you.
You can do this, use your thickheaded stubborness to your advantage. : )
Jack you know me so well. I am stubborn and I don't give up. I have always been told this. I sometimes feel like he got the better of me and that is probably why I wouldnt leave him alone. I HAVEN'T and WILL NOT call him about his Birthday. I did wish him a happy birthday, he just didnt hear it. I am sure he thought I would call. I am sure of this. He probably is GLAD that I didnt call, but probably shocked still.
So Amyc according to what I wrote, in your opinion, were we pretty messed up? I learned to live with it. Dont get me wrong, we had good times. BUT when he got mad, for the past few years, he would threaten me with divorce. I told him one day I would get tired of this....he beat me to it. Is it possible he was starting MLC as far back as 2003 or 4? I dont know. I do know that the girl he is marrying is an emotional mess. She would have to be. Losing a child is not something you take lightly, even though she does a good job covering it up. Her mom is the one that left the baby in the car, so she gives her daughter anything she wants, therefore my xh gets to enjoy it too. We struggled with money and I am sure he is liking it. I could be wrong. Who knows. I would however NOT trade places with him. I may be struggling, but I have GOD, and I am learning to be strong again.
Sunshine, you are a brave girl and I am proud of you for ignoring his B-day. The arrogant ass probably expected you to be all over that and he was denied. Good!
Plus, it sounds like you have a great start on GAL too. You have lots of friends and guys are interested in you. That's a lot, my dear, and it's all good. Keep it up.
Kimmie I do indeed have friends, but as far as guys, I dont feel that way. One guy asked me if he could call me but he still hasnt. I was kinda hoping he would since I was free tonight but he didnt.
