I have posted my story previously and it's long and drawn out. I just have a couple of questions to ask.
Has anyone heard that their spouse does not want to be responsible or a parent? My husband came into our relationship at a young age (23). I was already in my 30's with 3 children. He has said his major motivation for leaving is that he doesn't want to be a dad. He feels as if he is a bad role model. He also says he doesn't want to be responsible for anyone but himself.
Now mind you we also have the issue of him seeing me as a mother figure instead of as a wife. This is all due to nagging and me always being the responsible one ie. making sure the bills got paid and stuff got done. I told him when we first got together that I did not want to be his mother nor did I want to raise him and I meant it. I feel as if I was forced to be his mother when it was something I balked at repeatedly. I would tell him I did not want to have to remind him of things because it made me feel like I was trying to be his mother, yet he would forget so many things that it became a standing joke in our house.
A friend of mine called and spoke to him today to get his side because all he was hearing was mine. My friend tells me that I need to realize that this is over and move on. Why is it that I am able to convince myself that he will change his mind?
I need some advice here. I am driving myself crazy!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Thanks Ready for the kind words. Read your story and WoW! I applaude your efforts. I'm just wondering if I should just move on. He says he doesn't want to be a dad and sadly he spent the last 7 months telling his problems to my best friend because he said he couldn't tell me. I'm sad because I believe that if I had known that he felt he couldn't talk to me I probably would have mentioned counseling sooner to get someone to help us be able to communicate and I was robbed of that by my husband and best friend. She felt that she was helping him by talking to him and by helping him she was helping me, but I believe that in the long run this has ended up being something that could possibly have been changed. I just want to know everyone's opinion of what he is saying to me. I keep telling myself that he will change his mind, but his words and what he told my male friend on the phone today do not support my thoughts. Any ideas? Should I just move on and not even bother? I did tell him I want to be friends, but he told my male friend that he doesn't think I will be able to because I will always be wanting more. Is this a done deal?
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Hi! I read your posts and I have to say that I think you've been pursuing your H way too much. The more you contact him, stop by to say hey, etc. the more he's going to retreat/run away. My two cents would be to back off for awhile, and spend that time thinking about what you posted above - is it worth it to fight for the M or not. If you believe it is, then read DR cover to cover and apply the techniques.
I'm new to the concepts too, but I feel much better about myself when I just focus on me and my kids and less on what H is up to. You can't control him away, and those attempts to control make him defensive. I also married a younger man, and agree that you really have to watch your words and actions so it doesn't come across as a parent-child R vs. equal partners.
Best of luck to you. Keep posting, and spend some time thinking about what you want and what's best for the kids.
Thanks mnt_dreams for your advice. I totally agree with the whole needing to stop pursuing, but it's really difficult. One of the things my husband said to me before he left was that he felt I wasn't interested in him. Being so nonchalant and backing off just seems so counterproductive. I've been thinking a lot and actually have had something brought back up that I had pushed aside.
My husband and I had a discussion a while back about the fact that he is ADD. He never went to get a diagnosis and hates being labeled anything. He shows so many signs of the disease though. He forgets things unless they are important to him. He starts out projects really excited and by the end is just miserable because it's hard work and hard for him to stick to it and many other things.
He said when he was leaving that he didn't want to be responsible for anyone else that if he didn't have a job, didn't want to wake up until 3pm, or didn't feel like eating it wouldn't affect anyone else. He was telling me he loves me and you could see it in his eyes not two weeks before he left. Right before he left he went through some really difficult issues that I believe caused him to push everyone away.
After we talked on Friday, he said he would call me back that night to let me know what he was going to do with his dog. No call. Didn't call Saturday either. He finally left me a message on MSN telling me he didn't know what he was going to do, that he didn't want to take him to the shelter, and was seriously thinking about letting him out in the woods somewhere. He thinks he will have a better chance to make it out in the woods than at the shelter. The dog is a very pretty lab sheppard mix who is just too much for us (me and the kids) to take care of. He needs a home with a yard and people who will be with him for more hours than we can. He was originally adopted from the shelter by Dan and I because he wanted a friend to have at home.
I'm just so confused. I know that I love this man. I have been reading and reading so many things trying to figure out what I should be doing. I did some attempts at GAL today. I went out with the kids to the park and took pictures. Sadly I have to be honest and say that part of my inspiration was to be able to put the pictures up in hopes that he will see them. I know that it is said that GAL is not supposed to be about doing things to get a partner back, but in the grand scheme of things isn't that what we all subconsciously are wanting?
I do have plans to get my hair cut and colored. I, myself, am tired of the rut I've gotten into. I also am making plans to join a new gym that has opened up here.
I feel so sad and hurt. Movies with romance and people being intimate (hugging and kissing) just break me down. I'm tired of this. I was driving home the other day realizing how much I took for granted going home to my husband. *sigh*
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I'm just so confused. I know that I love this man. I have been reading and reading so many things trying to figure out what I should be doing. I did some attempts at GAL today. I went out with the kids to the park and took pictures. Sadly I have to be honest and say that part of my inspiration was to be able to put the pictures up in hopes that he will see them. I know that it is said that GAL is not supposed to be about doing things to get a partner back, but in the grand scheme of things isn't that what we all subconsciously are wanting?
Yes. However, when we are in this unfortunate (but very real) position, we don't have the luxury of being able to do what we "want" anymore. Not for the time being, anyway.
There will again come a time when you get your emotional needs met. Now just isn't that time.
The advice you are getting here is spot-on. Loving detachment is really the only way to deal with the WAS, even though it is counter-intuitive.
I have a good friend who told me in college that he never wanted to have kids, ever, and he meant it! He said that he would be a horrible father because he had had a horrible father and he never wanted to inflict that kind of abuse on another human being.
Fast forward 10 years, and guess what? He is happily married with two little kids and home and he would not trade them for the world. When I mused to him a few months ago what he had told me back then, the claims that he never said that. Funny how selective memory works, isn't it?
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Thanks for the link. This is one of those things that's easy to say, but much harder to do. I'm not there yet...being able to do it. It's hard for me to 'let it go'. Especially after seeing her twice yesterday, when she came over to the house. Once because our 12 y/o started her period, and later to sign some tax forms. I miss her. I don't miss our old relationship...but I miss her.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
